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Original poster

I can’t get husband to see it not fair or am I wrong ?

52 replies

Vbi · 26/10/2022 12:43

My husband and I constantly disagree about how much he pays towards the household bills

we are both in a second marriage
we live in my house , and he has kept his original home which is empty, not rented
my 16 year old son lives with us and I have another at uni , who comes home in term times
i am employed with a good job and he owns his own company which is doing very well - we probably earn about the same

our household bills , mortgage , utilities and food come to about £2500 but that’s increasing monthly like everyone’s
I never ask him to pay for the childrens expenses or mine
since he moved in he has paid £600 a month and pays if we go out which is 1-2 times a week but nowhere fancy
I have asked him to increase his contribution but he refuses

He says I am being unreasonable , I’m sure I’m not but wanted your opinions

OP posts:
TammyOne · 26/10/2022 14:14

I don't really get the "YOUR children" comments. Are stepparents not expected to pay towards their step children then? Because they are as far as DWP or HMRC is concerned..if you even live with, let alone marry, a man who is not your children's father, he is expected to support them along with you.

OP, him having a house but not renting it out seems really financially daft, so that would drive me nuts. With the money, I don't know but I feel like it should just be split down the middle? It's how it's always been done in my family though, with my step dad, and now with my partner. There's no "his kids, my kids", we are a family.

Fushiadreams · 26/10/2022 14:15

What’s he paying for his own house and why’s it not rented out, is it just sitting empty?

Grandstan · 26/10/2022 15:24

TammyOne · 26/10/2022 14:14

I don't really get the "YOUR children" comments. Are stepparents not expected to pay towards their step children then? Because they are as far as DWP or HMRC is concerned..if you even live with, let alone marry, a man who is not your children's father, he is expected to support them along with you.

OP, him having a house but not renting it out seems really financially daft, so that would drive me nuts. With the money, I don't know but I feel like it should just be split down the middle? It's how it's always been done in my family though, with my step dad, and now with my partner. There's no "his kids, my kids", we are a family.

What a load of rubbish! Why should a step parent pay for children that aren't his? Where is their father and why is he not paying for his children? Where on earth have you got your information from?

peachgreen · 26/10/2022 15:35

Oh wait, you’re married?! In that case you both own both houses so should be splitting the mortgage on both properties equally. So whatever that works out as.

knittingaddict · 26/10/2022 15:37

Unless the op comes back this thread is pointless. Too many unanswered questions.

THisbackwithavengeance · 26/10/2022 15:53

What is the point in being married and living together if you're not going to share finances, assets and commitments? Yes they're not his kids but they are still dependents in his household.

I personally would have a joint account into which you put every income source including child benefit, maintenance, wages and dividends. Rent out the empty house and that also goes into the family pot.

Pay for everything out of it and that includes all bills, all entertainment, all food, cars and transport, clothes, hobbies, stuff for the kids and any habitual spends so any direct debits. You could divvy out a certain amount to each party for personal spends if you wanted. Anything left goes into a joint savings account.

Otherwise I would separate. He can have his house you can have yours, nothing is joint and then you can meet 3 or 4 times a week for sex and/or nights out which is not a bad way of running a relationship IMO particularly in later life.

But him paying for "digs" whilst the OP pays for everything isn't fair and causes resentment.

As QE2 said to Prince Phillip in The Crown you're either in or you're out but not halfway. .

TammyOne · 26/10/2022 16:01

What a load of rubbish! Why should a step parent pay for children that aren't his? Where is their father and why is he not paying for his children? Where on earth have you got your information from?

You might want to calm down..
I just said in my experience, that's what happens. A married couple are a family, with all that entails.
As far as the information about how DWP (Universal Credit) and HMRC (Tax Credits) goes, that's how they roll I'm afraid. When you live as a family, with another adult in the house that you are in a relationship with, they are expected to contribute. So, for example, a woman could not live with a man who is working and claim Universal Credit for her children.
Child maintenance is a whole other issue.

SuperCamp · 26/10/2022 16:02

Impossible to say without knowing how much if that is mortgage.

He presumably has his own mortgage to pay.

£600 towards sounds quite a lot to me.

Since you are married and living in the same house why not have a joint account for joint expenses; utilities, council tax, contents insurance, food, going out etc. Every month each put in enough to cover this plus a contingency. Then keep your own money separate for your own spending, mortgages, kids etc.

SkylightSkylight · 26/10/2022 16:11

Seems like the OP isn't actually interested in a discussion. I get people have to work etc, but why start a thread when you don't have time (or interest) to engage in it??

Dacquoise · 26/10/2022 16:31

Is He paying a quarter because there are four of you sharing the house and in his mind he doesn't want to subside your children?

knittingaddict · 26/10/2022 16:35

SkylightSkylight · 26/10/2022 16:11

Seems like the OP isn't actually interested in a discussion. I get people have to work etc, but why start a thread when you don't have time (or interest) to engage in it??

I agree. Causes me to feel irrational annoyance and makes me doubt the veracity.

holrosea · 26/10/2022 16:53

Surely if you are married then both houses are now marital assets that are jointly owned and theoretically would be divided 50/50 in a divorce. So why should he not being paying towards OP's mortgage? I assume this £600 bargain living arrangement helps him to pay "his" mortgage, if he has one.

Unless you have a solicitor's agreement about who owns what, I think you should both be paying equally for the houses. Also, when you marry someone with children, you do take on some responsibility for housing/contributing to their children, even if they are not biologically yours.

As for expenses, where I live, households are divided into fiscal parts: an adult working full time is 1 whole, a child is 0.5 parts, and a child in shared custody or "part-time" resident child is 0.25. Therefore, your household would be :

You = 1
Husband = 1
16 YO = 0.5
Student = 0.25
HOUSEHOLD = 2.75 parts

2.75 divided by 0.25 is 11 parts
You + kids = 7 parts
Husband = 4 parts

For example, if your monthly food shop is £500, your part would be £318.18 and his part would be £181.82.

I don't see why his house is standing empty though when it might be costing money and it could also make a contribution to your financial wellbeing as a family.

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 26/10/2022 16:56

Why is his house empty? Does that mean he's paying his own mortgage on top of the £600?

Grandstan · 26/10/2022 19:23

TammyOne · 26/10/2022 16:01

What a load of rubbish! Why should a step parent pay for children that aren't his? Where is their father and why is he not paying for his children? Where on earth have you got your information from?

You might want to calm down..
I just said in my experience, that's what happens. A married couple are a family, with all that entails.
As far as the information about how DWP (Universal Credit) and HMRC (Tax Credits) goes, that's how they roll I'm afraid. When you live as a family, with another adult in the house that you are in a relationship with, they are expected to contribute. So, for example, a woman could not live with a man who is working and claim Universal Credit for her children.
Child maintenance is a whole other issue.

You are talking complete rubbish. You might want to have a look at the real world before spouting this rubbish. I’m a step parent and would not pay for another person’s child!

Holly60 · 26/10/2022 19:58

If it's your house then presumably you don't want him to help pay the mortgage.

Are the rest of your bills coming to more than £1200?

Did you discuss if he is happy to pay towards your child who is living at home?

WakingUpDistress · 26/10/2022 20:29

Holly60 · 26/10/2022 19:58

If it's your house then presumably you don't want him to help pay the mortgage.

Are the rest of your bills coming to more than £1200?

Did you discuss if he is happy to pay towards your child who is living at home?

Too late, they are married.
Her house would be his if they were to separate. Same with his. Or their respective savings…..

No point trying to protect the house with him not paying the mortgage.

TootMootZoot · 27/10/2022 08:54

I know this is legal matters and that you are not really asking for opinions but here goes anyway.

Your friends sisters kids are still ending up losing out though. I presume any gifts for grandchildren were just tokens.

Why was your friend originally going to give money to her sister?

Babyroobs · 28/10/2022 21:36

What's the point of a house sitting empty ? Has it been like this for long? No wonder there's a shortage of houses for rent or for people to buy.

OdkinsBodkins · 28/10/2022 23:14

Bills are going up so obviously he needs to contribute more to the bills etc.

I have asked him to increase his contribution but he refuses

I'd be considering whether to ask him to leave. Not a kneejerk reaction. Just considering. What else is he unreasonable about or refuses, eh?

OdkinsBodkins · 28/10/2022 23:16

The question about "why should they pay for someone else's child" is valid but you are talking complete rubbish was incorrect. They knew of what they spoke (when it comes to benefits rules).

MovingOnUpp · 29/10/2022 09:04

I think you need to add up the costs of both houses, all bills, food costs , going out expenses and then work out what is fair for each of you to pay.

JudgeRudy · 14/02/2023 03:43

Just curious, but why do you need a spare empty house? Surely you either sell up and get somewhere together (pro rata split) or rent it out.

If he's got a mortgage on his house that will factor in surely. Maybe he would actually prefer to live there but felt it easier because of your kids to live at yours.
Would you be prepared to live with him and pay half his expenses. The kids could stay at yours for a few years till you decide what to do.

It's really tricky now you're married. I personally think that should change things. Did you discuss all this before marriage? If so, what's the long term plan?

Indáirire · 14/02/2023 05:42

He may as well pay towards the mortgage considering you're married and he be entitled to a portion of the house if you split up.

Triflenot · 14/02/2023 06:57

What reason does he give for not agreeing with you?

EyesOnThePies · 14/02/2023 07:01

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