How should expenses be split fairly in a marriage

[Dglmom]

I am married 10 years & my husband has always refused to talk about finances. Until recently, I had no idea what he earned, what he spends, what he saves, what he pension entitlements are. However, I recently went to file a personal tax return & saw from his payroll details that he is earning twice my gross salary. He has always insisted on splitting everything 50/50 - childcare, mortgage, bills, property tax, ordering oil/gas (he has let us run dry, until I pay my 50%). I work full time & in addition to our split costs, I seem to always be the first to put my hand in my pocket for grocery shopping, kids clothes, extracurricular activities, summer camps, the cleaner )which he was reluctant to get, but has only paid once).

I am a public servant, so my pension (which isn't great, being the post 2013 Single Public Service Pension Scheme) is deducted at source, but I have no savings and quite literally not one cent left to myself at the end of every month. I buy my clothes in Pennies, use cheap creams/shampoos and don't really go out or eat out, very often.

I have tried so many times to discuss this with my husband. He shuts down completely and either walks off or just say 'yea' and nothing changes. I have suggested counselling, sent emails, letters, texts - but nothing changes.

I am so hurt at this stage, that I constantly fantasise about winning the lottery and having the financial independence to leave him.

I feel totally miserable and disrespected, yet he is living his best life - spending his money on his hobbies, pastimes, social life.

There is no question of spending money on family holidays or furnishings for the house (which I would love). Those conversations go absolutely nowhere.

When we purchased our first home, we had to set up a joint account, but all he will put into this is 50% of the mortgage repayment, a few days before its due. The rest of the month, its either empty or overdrawn.

I really need advise here as to what my rights are. If I were to leave him, what would he be obliged to pay? We have 2 primary school aged children.

That's awful. We don't have any separate money at all. Dh used to be highest earner, sometimes by quite a lot, now I am, but that's not been relevant to how we organize our money: we've always just had joint accounts and made joint decisions over large expenditures.

I know some people like to keep money separate to some extent to make budgeting easier, even if it is just a bit of "pocket money". In that case, I think most people in a loving partnership would want to plan their finances so that both have equal amount of money to spend. Which means the higher earner putting in a higher proportion of their salary to household expenses. If the difference is large enough, the lower earner won't put in any.

How has this worked all these years? It’s ridiculous. You would be financially better off divorced because you would get a cut of his pension as well as him being liable to cover a roof over his children heads. Speak to a solicitor asap!
also, financial contributions should be the percentage of what you earn, not 50/50.

If paramedic DH earns less than me, is it because he's not working hard enough? Mommabear you are a goady twerp.

When I lived with my ex, we both transferred part of our monthly salary into a joint account for all joint expenses - bills, shopping, holidays, mortgage etc. I earned twice as much as him so I put twice as much into the joint account. Whatever was left in our personal accounts we used for our own individual stuff (clothes, hobbies etc). It seemed fairest that way. We didn't have kids though, so there was no issue about who did most childcare.

@Dglmom please do not undervalue your pension. The 2013 pension is still a very generous pension scheme.

Others have given advice about splitting bills etc. Definitely pay for grocery shopping, kids clothes, extracurricular activities, summer camps, the cleaner out of the joint account. He doesn’t see these costs because you are paying them. Don’t pay in extra to the account and if he refuses to pay more and you run out of food etc. he can go without.