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Family fallout over gifts

18 replies

Kermitthemuppet · 30/08/2022 09:07

What would you do?
My siblings and I have received gifts from our parents. The trouble is that the amounts have been different and at different times of our lives. They have been significant amounts though.
Whilst this is very generous, it has caused a great deal of resentment amongst us. I don't know how the resentment can be resolved.
I have benefited more but waited a lot longer than the others. I am upset that this has caused family upset but I feel that it's not my fault. My brother has become really argumentative and to my mind money grabby over this.
Has anyone else faced this? Was it ever resolved? Did the resentments last a lifetime. I am really upset over this.

OP posts:
Callisto1 · 30/08/2022 22:02

It's hard to say how long the resentment will last, but would it be possible to equal the amounts so everyone gets the same? Even if you all got the amounts at different times I think it can be hard on the person who gets the least to not be resentful.
DH and his sibling have always gotten the same amounts, despite the fact that DH's sibling is considerably richer. It just prevents any ill feelings.

Kite22 · 30/08/2022 22:13

Why do the siblings know ?

We were fortunate enough that our parents helped each of us, over time, as and when thy could, and as and when each of us needed it (or perhaps I should say could really have appreciated the help).
I very much doubt it was the same amounts. It certainly wasn't at the same time. It was about letting us have support when it made a big difference to each of our lives. I have no need to know what financial arrangements were made between my parents and my brother 35 years ago, and he has no need to know how much they gave to me 20 years ago. Neither of us need to know what our other brother had in between.
We know that our parents did their best to offer support, as they could, when it helped us the most.

I will do the same / am doing the same with my adult dc. Being fair, and doing your best for them doesn't always equal doing the same.

hattie43 · 30/08/2022 22:20

I don't think parents should gift differing amounts it does nothing but cause arguments and upset .

SuperCamp · 30/08/2022 22:24

Did the gifts have equal value even though different amounts? E.g the amount needed for a deposit on similar first homes would cost more in recent times but have the same value in your life as a lesser amount needed for the same house 5 years ago.

What is behind your parents thinking in the way they have given money?

If it has been very unequal, suggest that they compensate in their will?

WoolyMammoth55 · 30/08/2022 22:30

Hi OP, didn't want to read and run. It sounds like there's been, as PP said, too much discussion of specifics about amount of cash gifted, but not enough discussion ahead of time of what might happen in future, and how it might make people feel.

So that's a shame - either lots of discussion would have worked, or zero! But you've got the worst of all worlds.

I disagree with PP who said amounts have to be equal. If not gifted at the same time then there's loads to deal with around inflation and what £1 bought 15 years ago compared to today - it's not actually very helpful.

However, in our extended family we've got a situation where there are 2 siblings, A is very sensible, hard worker, high earner, and B is much more flaky, arty, lives a life with much more downtime! And A is pretty pissed off at their parent's assumption that B "should" inherit more due to being less well-off, when it's life choices not a disabilty etc. On the other hand amongst the in-laws there's an A who has 2 kids and a B who is definitely permanently child-free, and the GPs have been clear that they are gifting A more to support the kids, and eventually pass on to them, and B is cool with that - a very loving and adoring auntie who agrees with her parents' decision.

Anyway, since you're upset I think you should try to resolve this. To do that you'll most likely have to start discussing the un-discussed stuff. I'd start with your parents I think, to thank them but also express your upset about your brother's reaction, and ask their advice maybe? Then once you've talked things out, perhaps you and parents arrange to speak to brother all together to explain/give their reasoning and try to build the bridges back?

It may not work but I think if you leave it, it will just fester. Best of luck.

Hawkins001 · 30/08/2022 22:33

What happened to people just being grateful regardless of the value ?

Auntieobem · 30/08/2022 22:33

Like Kite22 asks - how do you know so much about different gifts? My mum has helped me out sometimes and is generous at birthdays and Christmas. I assume she also gives to my brother, but I have no idea really. I've never told him how much she's given me and he's never told me how much she's given him. It's up to her and none of my business what he gets?

AyBeeCee · 30/08/2022 22:37

Auntieobem · 30/08/2022 22:33

Like Kite22 asks - how do you know so much about different gifts? My mum has helped me out sometimes and is generous at birthdays and Christmas. I assume she also gives to my brother, but I have no idea really. I've never told him how much she's given me and he's never told me how much she's given him. It's up to her and none of my business what he gets?

This^
You're in this situation OP as there's been too much discussion on who is getting what. This has just drawn attention and made it into an issue and caused jealousy

RandomMess · 30/08/2022 22:38

Does the length of time that has passed mean what you were given recently equates to what your sibling got years ago?

For example 10 years ago 10% of a 3 bed semi would be different in £ to 10% of the same house now but they would have equal value.

LittleLlama · 30/08/2022 22:49

My Mum gifted some money to brother because he has a disability and it helped him make some adjustments to his home. She would not have been able to gift this much to us all. My Mum did discuss this with us first. There have been no family issues with this.

My Mum also paid more for Sister’s Wedding but that is because she got married 15 years after me. She did pay for the same/similar things (dresses, car, flowers and cake). I think that is fair enough.

I hope your situation gets better Kermitthemuppet.

Threelittlelambs · 30/08/2022 22:53

I agree it’s not something that should be discussed and I don’t think the same amounts and being fair are the same thing.

I brought a house years ago and go £500 towards the deposit -
Dsis much younger has had loads more - I don’t care - she needed the help.

mrsbyers · 31/08/2022 10:11

Money is worth less over time so it follows the same gift would be more now

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 31/08/2022 10:52

My parents gave both DB and me help towards our first home. He's younger than me so bought his first home later. Mum phoned me beforehand because he was getting more than I did. I didn't care really, my DPs were selling the same number of the same shares as they had sold to give me money and shares had gone up in value, but housing had gone up in value too so he needed more help.

The thing is there is often a long back history to this sort of resentment. My Mum was always very careful to treat us equally, in fact she got very anxious if she had given one of us something until she was able to 'equalise' it with the other one. That's because when she was a child the son was the favoured child and the daughters got much less in terms of attention, education, opportunity etc, not just money. She was so careful to be equal that neither my DB nor I worried much about slight inequalities.

In your family, how were things when you were children? It might be a whole load of tiny things from the past coming to the fore now. Perhaps the baby of the family always got to play with siblings toys because he/she would cry if the toy was taken away. Perhaps younger siblings didn't get to do the sport/activity of their choice because it clashed with the timing of one that the eldest was already doing.

Can you find a calculator that shows the value of money in a specific year compared to today? It might show that the difference isn't as much as your siblings think. Also, if it's help with a house deposit, can you compare what percentage of average house prices you got with the percentage of average house prices they got at the time that they got it.

Kermitthemuppet · 31/08/2022 16:36

Thank you all for the different approaches. Has really made me think. The unevenness started with a sibling who got something when he married to help him get started. Honestly, I don't think my parents planned it out any further.
I think it has got out of hand because sibling helps parents with official documents etc. Think this has led to having too much insight into parents affairs. This has been bad in many ways. I see that now.
Redressing the balance in wills is such a sensible approach. I will suggest this.
I hope this can be resolved. I would hate this to simmer forever more.

OP posts:
Ihaveamagicwand · 01/09/2022 02:06

I’m with Supercamp on this.
I remember my DM saying how it was really unfair as her PIL had given their children exactly the same amount of money when they married. However the first and last weddings were over 20yrs apart. The first married couple had been able to furnish or their house, my parents given the same amount, had only been able to furnish a room.

Sue3467 · 19/02/2025 11:15

It’s really naive to think that in normal circumstances it’s ok to gift different children different amounts and at different times. As an adult child who has seen this type of behaviour destroy a family - it often causes resentment between everyone. All children should be treated fairly. There’s often underlying issues - resentment, favouritism, etc which are serious matters and this just causes things to boil over. It’s often not about the money.

BorgQueen · 19/02/2025 12:23

Why are you posting on a 3 year old zombie thread ? 🙄

Sue3467 · 19/02/2025 12:56

Why are you? Doesn't it say more about you

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