Page 2 | How To Split Bills - Unusual situation

bringbackneighbours · 2022-08-16T15:12:19+00:00

I know I know, this has been done to death but I'm lost. DP and I are getting married in Match next year. I have 2 children, aged 12 and 9 who I share 50/50 with their dad. DP's children have flown the nest, happy, working and are settled. I live with DP and so do the children when they're with us. DP owns the house we currently live in. We're hoping to buy a place together next year which we will both pay equal deposits for and take out a hefty mortgage (about 350k). I had to take time out of work to bring up ADHD DD so have ended up taking a steep pay cut because of this break. I hope to work my way up again and increase my salary in the next few years. DP earns 10 times more than me (more ATM, but I should be getting a pay rise next year). How would you split your bills? Happy to supply more detail with figures if this helps.

WinterMusings · 16/08/2022 23:45

@bringbackneighbours he sounds lovely, as do you.

it's complicated when there's such a difference in wages & in ages of respective children.

if I was in his position, I'd be happy to pool
all of the money & you buy what the kids need out of it. if I loved you I'd want the best for you AND your kids. I'd want to make sure ALL the children benefit from my good income & would put a savings plan in place for them.

I can understand your view too, but you'll put in all your salary, whatever it is. If you were in your own with the kids you'd have to budget differently, but you're not & he doesn't want to see you or your kids go without when he earns 10x what you do!

if you try to live in line with what you earn, it'll be very awkward & unnecessary.

im sorry that might be a bit garbled, I'm tired.

essentially I'm saying he earns 10x what you do and he wants to share his life with you and that includes money, he doesn't think it's a big deal, so don't go spoiling things, to be 'independent' because you can't live the way he can if you don't share, &! That's what he wants.

beachcitygirl · 16/08/2022 23:54

felulageller · 16/08/2022 23:20

Why are you getting married?

Whichever one of you dies first the surviving spouse can disinherit the dead spouse's children. It's absurd!

This is an ABSURD and spiteful comment.
They are getting married because they love each other and want to.

Why the hell do you care what will
Happen to their respective children in years to come after they are both dead.

How weird

It's not their kids money or houses it's theirs and their life and they want to spend it with each other in partnership.

Their kids may or may not get an inheritance - they're certainly not entitled to one.

Jeezo

Chocolatiestchocolate · 17/08/2022 12:09

I was a sahm but still dp wage went into a joint account for all of us. He was marrying me. Therefore my ds was part of the package. (his words)
I dont get all this splitting costs.

Comefromaway · 17/08/2022 12:18

You come as a package with your kids. Once you all move in together you become a family.

If or when any of them decide to go to uni in the future then their entitlement will be based on your dp's income and he will be expected to contribute to their living expenses.

DisforDarkChocolate · 17/08/2022 12:28

I had 3 children when I got remarried. The children's expenses have always come from family money and we had a joint account where most income went into. He generally earned about 6 times what I did because I worked very part-time and on a low wage. We were happy with this but I do think it's slightly different in your case because he has adult children he may wish to protect some assets for.

I'd go for a family pot you pay into as a proportion of income and day to day childrens expenses come from that. To me not having a shared focus impacts on the marriage overall.

cupofdecaf · 17/08/2022 13:25

Honestly you either get married and pool your family money. Or you stay as partners and get the paperwork in place so you're each other's next of kin.

SunnyNunny · 17/08/2022 13:49

If this was posted as a reverse I guarantee you responses would be completely different. If I told MN that my DP who has two kids is living with me and earns 10% of what I do, I would be told not to get married, to protect my own children's inheritance, have separate finances etc

Tessasanderson · 17/08/2022 14:31

I can never understand this discussion. Its so simple...

You have a household income of X. Whether your DP earns 90% and you earn 10% is irrelevant. Your household income is still X. Your expenses are Y. Whether you and your 2 children account for 50%/60%/70% of expenses, your household expenses are still Y.

What is left, lets call it Z is your family money. If your DP is controlling enough to think this shouldnt still be family money, it would worry the hell out of me and mean i would not get involved in mixing ANY finances with them. Whats the alternative? He sits on a pile of money while you struggle away trying to make ends meet. Maybe he gives you the odd handout to keep you sweet.

How utterly miserable.

neighboursmustliveon · 17/08/2022 14:34

I would say you split all pure household bills proportion to earnings including normal food - you might want to pay for the kids sweets/cereal bars etc that are bought only for the children if you wish.

You then pay all your own personal costs and for you that includes the children.

The other option is equal spending money so all money in a pot, less household bills and split what's left in two. Again, from your share you pay for children costs.

Original poster

bringbackneighbours · 18/08/2022 09:34

felulageller · 16/08/2022 23:20

Why are you getting married?

Whichever one of you dies first the surviving spouse can disinherit the dead spouse's children. It's absurd!

Because we love each other! We are going to get insurances to protect one another. And we have wills. I made that very clear earlier. What is absurd exactly? BIZARRE comment. Have a nice day.

OP posts:

Original poster

bringbackneighbours · 18/08/2022 09:36

neighboursmustliveon · 17/08/2022 14:34

I would say you split all pure household bills proportion to earnings including normal food - you might want to pay for the kids sweets/cereal bars etc that are bought only for the children if you wish.

You then pay all your own personal costs and for you that includes the children.

The other option is equal spending money so all money in a pot, less household bills and split what's left in two. Again, from your share you pay for children costs.

Perfect suggestion and thanks. We will go for the first option, exactly that because it sits right with me.

OP posts:

Original poster

bringbackneighbours · 18/08/2022 09:40

Tessasanderson · 17/08/2022 14:31

I can never understand this discussion. Its so simple...

You have a household income of X. Whether your DP earns 90% and you earn 10% is irrelevant. Your household income is still X. Your expenses are Y. Whether you and your 2 children account for 50%/60%/70% of expenses, your household expenses are still Y.

What is left, lets call it Z is your family money. If your DP is controlling enough to think this shouldnt still be family money, it would worry the hell out of me and mean i would not get involved in mixing ANY finances with them. Whats the alternative? He sits on a pile of money while you struggle away trying to make ends meet. Maybe he gives you the odd handout to keep you sweet.

How utterly miserable.

I give up. I haven't said ANY of the hogwash you've assumed is happening. My DP wants to share everything. It's me holding back. RTFT before you make nonsensical comments that don't relate. It's like you're commenting someone else's thread.

Its not so simple... it really isn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

bringbackneighbours · 18/08/2022 09:43

beachcitygirl · 16/08/2022 23:54

This is an ABSURD and spiteful comment.
They are getting married because they love each other and want to.

Why the hell do you care what will
Happen to their respective children in years to come after they are both dead.

How weird

It's not their kids money or houses it's theirs and their life and they want to spend it with each other in partnership.

Their kids may or may not get an inheritance - they're certainly not entitled to one.

Jeezo

Show quote history

Couldn't have said it better myself! Thank you 😊

OP posts:

Original poster

bringbackneighbours · 18/08/2022 10:01

WinterMusings · 16/08/2022 23:45

@bringbackneighbours he sounds lovely, as do you.

it's complicated when there's such a difference in wages & in ages of respective children.

if I was in his position, I'd be happy to pool
all of the money & you buy what the kids need out of it. if I loved you I'd want the best for you AND your kids. I'd want to make sure ALL the children benefit from my good income & would put a savings plan in place for them.

I can understand your view too, but you'll put in all your salary, whatever it is. If you were in your own with the kids you'd have to budget differently, but you're not & he doesn't want to see you or your kids go without when he earns 10x what you do!

if you try to live in line with what you earn, it'll be very awkward & unnecessary.

im sorry that might be a bit garbled, I'm tired.

essentially I'm saying he earns 10x what you do and he wants to share his life with you and that includes money, he doesn't think it's a big deal, so don't go spoiling things, to be 'independent' because you can't live the way he can if you don't share, &! That's what he wants.

He is lovely, you're correct. I found him late in life (age 44) and I feel very fortunate. DP is happy for everything to be chucked in one account and to not mess around as he said it all ends up the same anyway.

Its great to hear from others in a similar state of affairs and to know what you did. Thats what I hoped to get out of this thread.

“Don't brood. Get on with living and loving. You don't have forever.”
— Leo Buscaglia

OP posts:

neighboursmustliveon · 18/08/2022 10:06

My aunty met a man later in life. He didn't have his own children but always earned a good wage where my aunty didn't and actually hasn't worked for years. He pooled his wage right away and always treated her then late teen/early 20's dc as his own from the start. He would never have let a difference in earnings mean he has a lovely lifestyle and my aunty and her children struggle.

Original poster

bringbackneighbours · 18/08/2022 10:18

neighboursmustliveon · 18/08/2022 10:06

My aunty met a man later in life. He didn't have his own children but always earned a good wage where my aunty didn't and actually hasn't worked for years. He pooled his wage right away and always treated her then late teen/early 20's dc as his own from the start. He would never have let a difference in earnings mean he has a lovely lifestyle and my aunty and her children struggle.

Good god, I must lie down. ...

How and when and where have I even indicated that my DP would let us struggle?? LOL.

It's like people want to make whopping assumptions based on nothing to do with anything I've said. For the love of god - it is ME who wants to pay for MY children with MY money.

We share a life now and have the same lifestyle. When and where did I say my DP has a 'lovely lifestyle' and that me and the children struggle?? Please guide me. . .

OP posts:

worriedatthistime · 18/08/2022 10:26

I live with dh and our children and dh earns twice what I do so he pays 3/4 bills and I pay a 1/4
What would your dh be happy with you contributing ? What can you realistically afford as if he earns 10 times more then you won't be able to match at all
Could pay for you dc things like clothes and food shop and share other bills more equally ?

MrFirstTimeBuyer · 21/08/2022 00:32

We have a similar situation (sans kids), with me being in your DP's shoes.

My partner makes decent money (above average), but not comparable to my earnings.

We keep separate finances (even post wedding, mainly due to foreign tax implications) but since before we were married, we split the rent/main bills unequally. Initially maybe 3:1, now more like 6:1. I've repeatedly insisted on revising so I pay more as I get pay rises, but she refuses to change it. On top of that I do 90% of the day to day shopping, I gave her a credit card linked to my account for larger purchases, and I pay for all meals out, holidays etc so it feels fair to both of us.

We're buying a house and I'll be paying all of the deposit and mortgage, so we might revisit then (maybe put bills in her name or something), but it's not something we really worry about.