Does anyone else live like this?

[lubellabee]

I have a wonderful husband and two sons who I adore (one a baby), a lovely cottage with a beautiful garden (we all love our gardening and live outdoors) and most importantly we are all so happy (when) together, I feel extremely lucky.

HOWEVER, my husband commutes 1hr 45mins to work each way, leaves at 7am and is back around 8:00-8:45, which mean he misses the kids (my three year old finds this very hard). We spend no time together as with young children, are in bed very soon after he arrives home. (His work colleagues are not chatty / don’t have much in common) so his days are lonely and long.

The second issue is that we struggle financially. I run my own business during the evenings (both my children are at home), which is another factor - when he does get home I am working (no quality time, time for sorting the house etc). I’ve done this for two years (with a two month break when DS2 was born). he earns fairly well and I bring in as much as I can - but after mortgage and bills we are left with around £500 a month for everything else, food, two cars, children - it is impossible. And therefore very stressful.

Very rarely do we have coffee trips, bottles of wine - everything we do is calculated. We don’t get much help from family with our children (not that it matters too much) - we we’ve never had a date night in three years (very different from the life we used to live).

is this normal? My husband is extremely stressed, tired and quite frankly lonely during the week. I am just tired!

what do we do?

Hmm. This all isn't really working is it? But some of your choices are unusual. His commute is a problem. How old exactly are dc? Oldest starts nursery. When will dc2 start? What job did you do before? Could you do a toned down version part time?

"we we’ve never had a date night in three years". I'm sorry but that's just silly. Nothing else you've posted affects that. So you could easily resolve that now. Why on earth have you let that bit go on so long?

Sorry, your home sounds lovely but your husband's commute is not sustainable. I did a 2hr commute for 2 years, 3-4 days a week. It was awful. I should have moved sooner. If his job can be done in other cities, provided the pay and prospects gap isn't huge, maybe you could consider a bigger move where you're likely to find a nicer home for less near work?

Sit down together today with a big piece of paper and a pen. List out your priorities and any non negotiables. Then map out your options:

• DH changes his job to a closer one to where you live. if you’re in Surrey and commutable to south west London, there are many businesses and institutions in that catchment and something will crop up eventually. Can he even make a lateral move, eg using his skill set in a different industry?
• You all move closer to his work (there might be options allowing you to rent out your cottage and return to living there one day if you truly love it)
• You go back to FT work if there’s an opportunity local to where you live now, and DH gets a more local, poss lower paid PT job.
• Other options to increase your income or reduce your outgoings. Although that won’t tackle to time issues.
• other options I haven’t thought of

Then decide together what will best meet your needs as a family. I don’t think there will be a magic bullet. All options will involve at least some effort and upheaval. In view of this, make a time next week to be together to start acting on what you decide today. Good luck, and remember that having preschoolers is a uniquely tricky time and in general things get a bit easier as they get more independent.

Would you consider putting both children in nursery so you could work during the day to solve some of the financial issues. I think that it is pressure for your DH bring the main breadwinner. Perhaps if you worked he could put in a flexible work request and drop a day in the week. You run your own business but on a couple of hours in the evening which isn't enough time.

Why is he walking rather than leaving a bike at the station or using one of the Boris bikes?

My husband’s office is a twenty-five minute walk from his terminus, so he matelas does a six minute cycle.

Why, though, is he staying in a job with such a hard commute if the pay isn’t great? The only reason for a commute like that is a hihan-paying job.

Not saying the commute is ideal but this would be a pretty standard commute for many in my SE town. I did it for years. It seems he’s got long working days in addition to the commute though- if he left at 5, he could be back for 7.

Amazed you’ve put up with this for so long - either of you!

I hope you can find the least worst option… and reclaim some of your lives back!

I haven’t read all of the replies but in the situation it doesn’t matter what other people are living like it matters that you are living like this and you are not happy. Your house and garden sounds lovely but the other stuff really sounds like it makes you unhappy. I would look at what can you Change ? Could you move to a smaller or cheaper house? A different area so husband is closer to work? Could he change jobs?
I recently had a close friend die and have really looked at my own life as we only got one and I can be very short. Don’t settle for life that is making you unhappy

Why do you have two cars if money is tight?

I’m also unsure why you have two cars, if he’s away all day like this,

your options are cut back further
move closer to his work
you earn more money
he changes job.

Do you qualify for free nursery hours for your eldest? If so, use them and carve out more time for your business. It still won't be easy with a baby but certainly easier to get some work done during the day.

If you can't afford to get back into London is there a different area DH could commute from that would shorten it? Would one of the other major stations be nearer to his work? I'm in a commuter area north of London and although it isn't cheap, it's cheaper than Surrey. I live in a village but it's only a 10 minute cycle to the train station in town and then 40 minutes by train to London St Pancras. I have friends in the town itself who spend longer cycling because they're on the opposite side of town.

If he's commuting 5 days a week why do you need 2 cars?

Maybe he drives to the train station, they could be living in a really inappropriate spot.