50:50 custody financial support

[Thea32]

Hi hive mind
My partner of 8 years and I are separating and I’m after some advice about finances. Obviously with a 50:50 split I don’t get maintenance entitlements . However, my partner earns significantly more (although we both work full time)- his job is much better paid. AIBU to ask that he pays proportionately more towards the cost of shared child related essentials such as uniform , swimming lessons, school lunches, before school club etc? Not pays for them completely but just chips in a bit more. He states there is nothing written in law so he is intent on splitting all costs 50:50. I worked many years part time and as a stay at home mum for first two years, so I feel that the salary discrepancy is partly related to the career break I took in the service of childcare. Any advice or direction towards anything written in law would he greatly appreciated, as he’s clearly going to make this very awkward. Thanks

Are you married? That would make a big difference

No not married

Oh gosh. No real legal advice.

But I would say to him it won't go unnoticed by the kids the discrepancy. And honestly it won't take long for the kids to realise their dad let their mum and them struggle while he could have comfortably helped.

Sorry. It really sounds shit. I hope someone comes along with more helpful advice.

I think not being married you don't legally have any entitlement unfortunately

Thank you for your support and perspective 😊

Will you get universal credit? That might help a bit.
Are you definitely doing 50:50 rather than 60:40 for example? If it's not 50/50 shared care then you may be entitled to more.
Otherwise, there's no much you can do but point out it will affect his kids, not you.

Just to add to the message- it there is no legal grounds - what is the ‘done thing’ in cases where couple is not married? Interested to know others in same situation how they have navigated this?

No not entitled to universal credit and it will definitely be 50:50 x

You can ask for what you like for the children but clearly he is only willing to pay the legal minimum.

And as you chose to not marry, you have no entitlement to financial support. I know it’s too late now but you were very foolish to be a SAHM and work part time to support his career when you were not married.

Yes of course it’s unfair but that was the choice you both made.

Why do you think they always want 50:50?

If they want to be difficult they will be regardless of whether you were married or not - you said partner I don't think you are. Nothing in law counter-acts their pissy nature.

So sadly you will need to think very carefully on this. So firstly make sure that the time component really is 50:50 of the difficult parenting (ie not weekends and holidays). Ignoring any bleatings about shifts etc. Keep a very careful detailed diary including all lates, classes, clubs missed etc.

There will be child benefit - if there are an even number of children then the norm is to split equally. If odd numbers and you dont agree and there is a counter claim then ultimately the HMRC get to decide - so make sure everything (school, doctor, dentist, hospitals etc) names you as 1st contact. Keep records of appts and who took the DC.

You may get UC in your own right but probably not as you are full-time.

There are essentials eg school lunches /uniform. It is fine that the DC have different choices when it comes to this, so when they are with you, eg packed lunches might be the norm. If ex doesnt want to bother, then he needs to pay for school lunches. I found with my ex that my purchased school uniform would go to his and not come back until it was too small, yet my DC were never allowed to wear it. So I used to accept gratefully 2nd hand uniform from other parents and the 2nd hand uniform shop - so I always had enough. I didnt have to buy the branded uniform so hold out on that - blazers are expensive and they only need 1.

The tricky part is the optionals outside school. Eg after-school clubs, dance clubs, Scouts/Beavers etc, sports clubs. You often have to pay a terms subscription in advance and perhaps uniforms etc. I found that my ex wouldnt take our DC on his time. "Luckily" the clubs didnt require a regular commitment but my DC lost rhythm, didnt make friends etc. It was absolute sabotage. My barrister at the time said the court would consider that "parenting differences" and there was nothing to be done (despite the obvious impact to the DC). I doubt anything has improved in that regard. So do not pay in advance. Let him book and pay, take the DC and then you can attend as a parent watcher. Offer to volunteer! But definitely mine missed out. And you have only to see the numerous threads on here from organisers berating that parents cant agree and DC turning up alternative weeks etc to see that most people are not supportive at all.

I think it's fair to split the basics (cloths, etc) and current activities that you both agree are important 50-50. But for future activities or expenditure where there's an option of not doing it at all, then fine for you to say "I can't afford this, would you be up for paying for xxx?" This may happen quite naturally if you do your 50-50 split so the kids are with each of you on specific days of the week. Couples that I've known do a 50-50 have often gone for Monday to wednesday with one parent, Wednesday to Friday with the other and alternating weekends. If you do that then each of you can make decisions about and pay for activities that happen on your days.