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Original poster

Please read - my friend really needs some advice

22 replies

dustystar · 09/01/2008 12:19

I wasn't sure where to post this so have posted it here and on loan parents

My friend split from her ex a couple of years ago and he now lives a couple of hours drive away. When he left the children stayed with her. However her dd who is 8 has a lot of behavioural problems and the relationship between my freind and her dd deteriorated to the point where she felt she had no choice but to ask her ex to have dd for a while.

It was her last resort and not a choice she made lightly but she has 3 other children and her dd was making life intolerable for everyone. As her dd was having such problems (these started before the split) my friend had sought outside help and the SS were involved. She had organised family xounselling, counselling for her dd and a family conference to sort out other issues.

Since her dd went to live with her dad a couple of months ago he has cancelled everything and doesn't accept that her dd has any problems at all. Because they are no longer in the same borough then my friend has been told that her borough are no longer involved in her dd's welfare.

She gets to see her dd once a month and has very little knowledge about how things are for her. Naturally she is very concerned and wants her dd to get the help she needs. She had always planned on this being a temporary thing allowing her and dd to have the space they needed to work on their relationship but it looks as though it will be long term.

Sorry for the long post but I wanted to give some background. basically does my frined have any right to push for her dd to get counselling and also what she'd really like is for someone to help her and dd mend their relationship. Is she legally entitled to any help with this now that dd is no longer resident with her? Also she wants to be sure her dd is getting the letters she sends - is there any way she can do this without having to rely on her ex?

Does anyone have any advice for her please

TIA

OP posts:

karen999 · 09/01/2008 12:22

Of course she is right to push for her daughters best interests - she is her mother and as such has parental rights and responsibilities. I would advise her to go to CAB and get some advice as they are excellent at this kind of thing....or for her to speak to a solicitor.

karen999 · 09/01/2008 12:23

Was your friend married to the father?

Original poster

dustystar · 09/01/2008 12:24

She's seeing her solicitor today so hopefully he'll give her some advice. i also suggetsed the CAB. I just said to her that I would post on here as personally I have had better advice from some of the mners on here than some of the professionals i have had to deal with.

OP posts:

Original poster

dustystar · 09/01/2008 12:25

Yes - they are divorced now.

OP posts:

dividedselfridgesxmaswindow · 09/01/2008 12:26

Is there a possibility that her daughter is improving in her new environment? Afaik it is very difficult to regain residency of a child that has, essentially been 'given up' even if as a temporary arrangement.

However, she should be able to maintain reasonable contactbut if the exdp is being difficult perhaps a contc order needs to be sought.

karen999 · 09/01/2008 12:27

Ok - so he will have prr's as well. What is the relationship like between them both - surely they want what is best for their daughter?

Am glad that she is seeking legal advice as it sounds like a complex situation and she will hopefully be given good advice. Does your friend want her daughter to be back living with her now?

Original poster

dustystar · 09/01/2008 12:30

I think the situation has improved becuase her dd adores her dad, is getting all his attention and also he lets her do what she wants and applies few boundaries so she's happy as larry at the moment.

There's no doubt that her dd's behaviour was made worse by the deterioration in their relationship but she does have problems anyway outside of her relationship with her mum. My friend just really wants her dd to get the help she needs so she can be happy in herself but doesn't know where she stands legally now she has given up residency.

OP posts:

karen999 · 09/01/2008 12:36

Just because she has given up residency does not mean that she has given up being her mum!! I am sure that she will get excellent advice from her lawyer and that she can start progressing things.

I hope things work out for her.

Original poster

dustystar · 09/01/2008 12:37

The relationship between my friend and her ex is very poor. He is a heavy drinker (though AFASK not currently drinking) and treated her very badly. He is also verbally abusive to her now so it is very hard for her to talk to him or trust what he says to her.

What my frined had hoped for was that her dd would stay for just a few weeks, maybe a month, with her dad to give them both a bit of space from one another as she was getting ill from all the stress and couldn't cope anymore. She had hoped that during this time they would maintain good contact and work at their relationship so that when her dd returned home things were calmer.

Unfortunately contact has been minimal and her dd wants to stay with her dad. This is obviously very hard for my friend but she wants her dd to be happy. she is just concerned that her dd will now not get the counselling etc that she needs and also that she will not able to improve their relationship.

OP posts:

karen999 · 09/01/2008 12:41

The fact that your friend sought outside help in the first place will help her case. Did they have an agreement in place wrt the kids when they divorced?

dividedselfridgesxmaswindow · 09/01/2008 12:43

I think she may be criticised for placing her in his care if he is unsuitable in which case she would wish to maintain that he is an appropriate carer and, thus, her argument fails rather when she tries to claim that she is the more suitable parent to have residency due to his drinking/behaviour/etc.

It all comes down to status quo - which is that he is the resident carer of the dd.

Original poster

dustystar · 09/01/2008 12:44

I think they did but it hadn't gone through the court but was done through their solicitors. I know that if they cannot sort out access between them now that it will need to go to court. He just upped and left one day anyway and wasn't interested in taking the kids. It took my frined weeks before she could get him to accept how bad things had become for her and dd and to agree to have dd live with him for a while.

OP posts:

karen999 · 09/01/2008 12:48

I suspect that if it goes to court then they will take a number of factors into consideration,ie, status quo, welfare of the child, what the child says, what SS think, why dad cancelled counselling etc....at the end of the day the court will do what they think is in the best interests of the child, but she should certainly get a contact order.

dividedselfridgesxmaswindow · 09/01/2008 12:49

True Karen999

Original poster

dustystar · 09/01/2008 12:50

I don't think she considers him unsuitable - at least not when he's not drinking. He's been a shit to her and fairly useless as a Dad up till now but she'd never have sent dd there if she thought she wouldn't be looked after. Its more that she is concerned that her ex is in denial about her dd's problems. He thinks they are all her fault which isn't true. She is worried that while she is ok now her dd still has many issues that she needs help with and isn't now going to get help with. Also she would like to work on her relationship with her dd but at the moment isn't able to do so.

Unless he started drinking again and neglecting dd then I know she wouldn't force the issue. She would like for her and dd to mend their relationship and for her dd to want to move back home with her but she accepts that this may well not happen and that her dd may well choose to stay with her Dad permanently.

OP posts:

karen999 · 09/01/2008 13:01

Well it sounds like she is doing the right thing. I hope everything works out for her and her kids and it would be great if her and her ex could start working on building up a better relationship, especially for the sake of the children.

wildfish · 09/01/2008 14:16

Sorry if this sounds cruel. Sounds like she couldn't cope, and sent dd to exDH. xDH says DD is now fine and great. She not happy about that, and in typical other parent fashion says its cos .... no rules, denial, etc etc. Any attempt to say xDH is handling it better (for what ever reason), implies failure by her, so its better to say DD does need help and x is denying it.

Sorry thats how it comes across. She should be happy if DD is doing well there. She should concentrate on getting reasonable contact - but I would guess the relationship might not be good, and the "DD needs help" would be the follow on effect, again.

madamez · 09/01/2008 14:27

While Wildfish may not be right (after all, none of us actually know these people) I think that's a feasible explanation of what's going on. Itl;s also true that some people are a bit too keen to run off bleating to some counsellor or other for problems that will iron themselves out in time - particularly when it comes to other people's problems -'You won't behave in the way I want you to! You must be mentally ill!'
Nothing wrong with your friend consulting a solicitor/CAB to ensure that she gets contact with her DD, but it is possible they will find that the DD is better off with her dad and no longer needs intervention.

Original poster

dustystar · 09/01/2008 18:46

If she didn't have 3 other perfectly happy children I'd agree but she does. Her dd has been difficult since she was really young - long before she and her ex split up. I really don't get the impression she is doing the other parent blaming thing. Its more that she really loves her dd and wants to rebuild her relationship with her. The ss down here had agreed to help with this but since her dd has gone to stay with her dad all that has gone out of the window. Her dd is a very troubled little girl and has been for years. Her parents splitting up has made things worse but its not the cause.

She already feels like she failed her dd so its not an attempt to avoid that. Nor is it a case of running off bleating to a counsellor instead of letting things iron out for themselves. I have known them since her dd was at preschool with my dd and her dd had difficulties then. By the time she decided that her dd whould stay with her Dad for a while her dd was regularly physically and verbally aggressive to her and to other children. She was constantly in trouble at school and my friend had tried every avenue she could to get help for them all. This was absolutely her last resort and I think that if she could be sure that her dd was really ok then she would relax about it a bit but she doesn't trust her ex to tell the truth as he has lied so often in the past.

OP posts:

karen999 · 09/01/2008 18:51

I feel for your friend because something that she thought she was doing for the best has now come back to trouble her. I completely accept what you are saying about her dd - I am sure it must be a very worrying time. It cannot have been easy for her to make that decision but with three other kids to care for I can totally understand...and good on her for recognising that a relationship with her dad is important - even though she may disagree with some of his decisions....

Can I ask what his relationship is like with the other children??

Original poster

dustystar · 09/01/2008 18:53

Its good.

OP posts:

karen999 · 09/01/2008 18:56

That is reassuring. It seems that they have both lost their way a bit when it comes to her dd. It would be so much better if they could sort things between themselves rather that it going to court because this kind of situation can bring out the worst in people.

I would (if I were your friend) really try hard to try some kind of mediation before it gets to the court stage...

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