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Should I accept this money?

21 replies

MRSAHILL · 28/03/2022 15:51

Not sure if I'm posting in the correct section as this is more a moral dilemma. Last year my nephew, whom I am very close to, was due to get married. The wedding was a really fancy affair, very expensive food, drinks and also transport for guests provided by my brother and his wife. There were 3 of us attending from my family and all family members usually only spend around £50/80 on a wedding gift when anyone gets married. However, due to it being an extremely generous wedding and the fact I'd just sold my car and got a bit of spare money for once in my life I gave £500 to my nephew. Him and his fiance were buying a house at the time and I think the money just went into that rather than buying a wedding present. Sadly, his fiance called the whole thing off and left him for someone else. The wedding obviously never took place and they lost their deposits for everything and he's now lost money in the house split. I've since struggled quite a bit for money, due to unforseen events, and my brother, who is quite well off, has suggested he gives me back the £500. I desperately need the money but feel terrible and don't know what to do. My opinion has always been that if you give a gift you don't ask for it back and at the end of the day, I know there was no wedding but that wasn't my nephew's fault and he was absolutely heart broken. He was so grateful when I gave him the money but basically I've just handed over £500 to help him buy his house and I haven't don't that with any of my other nephews and nieces. Any advice gratefully received,thanks.

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TokyoSushi · 28/03/2022 15:54

Your brother has offered to reimburse you or he's going to ask the nephew to give it back?

If you're desperate and your brother is wealthy then I might take it, but I wouldn't ask your nephew for it.

MRSAHILL · 28/03/2022 16:09

My brother would be paying it. I wouldn't dream of taking it off my nephew as he isn't well off. His dad was paying for everything for the wedding and has lost a lot of money in deposits but could afford to pay me back. I just feel ashamed though, taking something back I gave as a gift but I am absolutely skint.

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Babyroobs · 28/03/2022 16:12

I would take it if you need it. If your nephew ever gets married again and you are in a better position financially then give him a generous gift next time.

Trisolaris · 28/03/2022 16:17

It sounds like your brother wants to help you and is trying to find a way to get you to accept it. You aren’t demanding it back from your nephew but it’s ok for you to accept your brother’s kind offer at a time when it will make a huge difference to you.

Riverlee · 28/03/2022 16:21

Can you accept it as a loan? Either have a loose agreement that you will pay it in the future, or set up a standing order that you will pay £10 per week - it’ll then be paid back in a year.(if you can afford to do this).

MargosKaftan · 28/03/2022 16:23

I agree, this sounds like your brother is trying to find a polite way to give you money. Accept and when things are a bit more settled for you, make sure you help out the next person who needs it.

DenholmElliot · 28/03/2022 16:23

Take the money. Your brother wants to help you.

gamerchick · 28/03/2022 16:25

Take it.. obviously it's bothering your brother that it wasn't returned.

MRSAHILL · 28/03/2022 16:25

The reason I gave 500 was because I'd been through some personal trauma and my brothers family had helped me through it. There are no grandparents around anymore and this is the first wedding of a younger family member and with it being all very generously paid for, even all drinks, I felt like I should give a decent amount. It feels wrong to take it back, but we didn't actually get to attend the wedding, obviously through no fault of my nephew or brother, but I've really given the money for nothing in return.

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Blossom64265 · 28/03/2022 16:30

Technically if the wedding is called off, the gifts should be returned. It is very gracious of you to understand that your nephew isn’t in a position to return the money. Since his father is offering to reimburse you, I would accept.

maxelly · 28/03/2022 16:34

Yes I think I would providing it's a genuine offer from your brother and he can afford it. We definitely take a 'what's mine is yours' attitude in our immediate family and if it was my sibling I would so hate to see you struggle because of having been a bit over-generous Flowers. You can always give a more generous gift to your other nephews/nieces when you are more financially stable and the appropriate occasion arises?

MRSAHILL · 28/03/2022 16:38

Thanks everyone. I will accept the money and say that if he's ever getting married in the future, I'll give him the 500 again. I'm hoping my financial problems are temporary so I should be in a better position in a few months. My brother is quite well off but it's not his fault my finances arent in good shape at the moment.

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Gladioli23 · 28/03/2022 16:41

Don't comment on what you would do in future - you don't know what your finances will be like then.

Accept gracefully and very politely and don't broach the subject further.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 28/03/2022 16:43

Your brother is obviously trying to do the right thing by returning the money to you, so I agree you should let him.
£500 was more than you could afford and your brother recognised this, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.
You sound like a good family BTW.

anotherbloodyyearofcovid · 28/03/2022 16:54

Accept the offer of reimbursement gracefully and move on. Your nephew and ex fiancée should have returned all gifts, whether they were saucepans or cash.

BattledoreAndShuttlecock · 28/03/2022 16:58

Split the difference?

MRSAHILL · 28/03/2022 16:59

@Putinisawarcriminal thanks, yes we are a small but loving family. We've had a lot of tragedy over the years and I think the wedding was the first good thing to happen to us in a long time, although sadly it was cancelled. I should never have given 500 but getting the money from the car sale made me a bit giddy and I wanted to show my appreciation to my brothers family for their support and it was all the excitement of the wedding.

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lemongreentea · 28/03/2022 17:22

you were very generous and your brother is being thoughtful and kind if he is paying out of his own pocket. accept it

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 28/03/2022 19:01

@Trisolaris

It sounds like your brother wants to help you and is trying to find a way to get you to accept it. You aren’t demanding it back from your nephew but it’s ok for you to accept your brother’s kind offer at a time when it will make a huge difference to you.
Agree take it back graciously from your lovely generous brother xx
noenergy · 28/03/2022 20:58

Why did you give the money before the wedding?

MRSAHILL · 28/03/2022 21:28

@noenergy I gave it before the wedding as they were buying their house and were setting up home and needed things at that time and I happened to have the spare money (I was happy for them to use it towards house buying costs or whatever they needed) but it was specifically given on the understanding that it was a wedding present and I thought that on the actual day I'd just give them a card. I also gave my nephew £100 (I've only just remembered) as he'd seen some shoes he really wanted for the wedding but due to the wedding being cancelled, he never actually bought them (I don't expect to be given this money back). The wedding was supposed to be just a few months later and none of us would have dreamed that it would not go ahead.

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