Is financial incompatability a relationship deal breaker?

[LindsayMK]

My partner and I have been together for nearly four years, and I live with him in his shared ownership property with my 9 year old. We've talked about getting a mortgage together but I feel that we are so financially incompatible, and I don't know if it's a relationship deal breaker. I save as much as I can, moving money into saving accounts every other week and I also check my credit score regularly to see what I can improve on. My partner, meanwhile, earns a good salary but is always brassic month-end, withdraws lots of money from cashpoints, lives in his overdraft and never checks his credit score despite my pleas/nagging that it's so important to keep on top of these things. Bills and mortgage are always paid but he just seems to lack any awareness of the importance of managing finances well daily and caring about what mortgage lenders look at. Not sure how to drill it into him and I've started daydreaming about getting my own place - I even have stuff boxed up for my forever home rather than using them now! I always tell him he has to break from his single man mentality. Any advice?

Yet he’s the one with a mortgage already, and you moved in with him?

I don’t think he has a single man mentality.

It sounds like he’s achieved what he wants to, and that works for him.

I would be much more compatible with someone who is a saver like you - but not at all compatible with someone who has a “forever house items” box.

Why don’t you get your own place?

Sorry, but it sounds like you're obsessed with credit scores etc. As long as he pays his bills on time and stays within his overdraft/credit card limits, his credit score will be fine. He won't be downgraded to any real extent by drawing lots of cash out to spend nor having nothing left at end of month. A mortgage will still be available as long as he has an employment history and doesn't miss payments when due. I think you're getting confused with people who have to "repair" a poor credit record after being downgraded due to past issues.

You don’t sound very compatible. He’s happy doing things his way, and you are convinced that he’s wrong and should be doing things your way.

Living together isn’t the only way of running a relationship, perhaps it’s time for you to move out. Depends whether you prioritise home ownership or the man, entirely your decision.

You shouldn’t be seeking to control his finances.

It doesn’t sound like he needs to care that much about what a lender would think of him as he already has a mortgage? Those are more FTB style worries.

Does he earn more than you and therefore is generally less concerned about running out of money? Does he have the security of parental money to fall back on if it really came to it? It’s not fair but some people genuinely don’t need to worry about money much!

As long as he pays his bills on time and stays within his overdraft/credit card limits, his credit score will be fine

But there's also the issue about needlessly paying interest at very high rates and saving or spending spare money. It sounds like they're at opposite ends of the spectrum when they probably need to try and meet in the middle somewhere.

What's he withdrawing lots of money for? Everything legit is contactless these days. It would be a deal breaker for me, but then again, you have responsibility for a child and he already owns a house so is already on the property ladder. You aren't. I'd get my own place

Yes, it matters and you are not wrong to be sensible with money. Needlessly living in your overdraft is not being good with money.

I'm careful with money and good at saving, but I never check my credit score so you sound even more careful than me!

Given that he always pays his bills and mortgage, I think you have to ask yourself whether his approach is 'wrong' or just different to yours? Some people would genuinely prefer to spend money in the here and now rather than save for an undefined future event.

But yes, you can absolutely decide that your viewpoints are too far apart on this issue to be compatible. DH and I have never had an argument about money and that's a huge plus for me.

Yes I personally think it is if the incompatibility is big enough. It sounds like for you both it's pretty wide. It's his attitude and habit that will most likely continue because he sees no reason to change, bills and mortgages are paid so what's the problem? It's not necessarily a single man mentality.

Ideally everyone should be financially 'savvy' and do as much as they can to achieve their goals, whatever they may be. You have yours so it's up to you if you are prepared to accept this in your partner. Are you planning on getting married? If so, would he allow and trust you to be in charge of the family finances?

@Cocomarine

Yet he’s the one with a mortgage already, and you moved in with him?

I don’t think he has a single man mentality.

It sounds like he’s achieved what he wants to, and that works for him.

I would be much more compatible with someone who is a saver like you - but not at all compatible with someone who has a “forever house items” box.

Why don’t you get your own place?

Pretty much this, tbh. If his bills are paid then why does he have to do things differently?

I'd save too (if I had anything to save), but your way isn't the only way.

Are you planning to marry?

I couldn't be doing with moving money into savings accounts every other week. I just move a lump sum when I get my salary. Why could he not do this? All my bills are paid as a lump sum also goes to a separate account for this.

Hmm, so he has the mortgage and is financially secure, you live in his home, habe none of your own but he’s the issue?

I think you are incompatible because this is clearly bothering you - and he doesn't appear to want to change.

I can see what you mean by 'single man mentality' if he lives for the day has no savings living/on overdraft. That does seem irresponsible when you have a family/child. I k ow you say you live with him but has he made that transition from single or bloke with a girlfriend to being a family man?

Realistically you are not happy. This is not your final destination with your box of forever home bits. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

It does sound like you want him to watch his credit rating so you can get on his mortgage. To what extent has he financially support you until now, and vice versa, with his incompatible approach?

You're not compatible. To be fair I'd find you a bit annoying. Your way of thinking really isn't most peoples but you want to impose it on him. And as PP have said he's got a mortgage already so he's not doing that badly.

Who checks their credit score? I've had a mortgage for nearly 30 years and I've never checked mine.

Financial incompatibility is a total deal breaker, or at least it should be. Money problems are one of the leading causes of divorce/breakups, if not the #1 cause. Don't buy a house with him and don't marry him.

Money management is a fundamental compatibility issue. I couldn’t form a long term partnership with someone who thought that using an overdraft or credit was for anything other than an extreme emergency. At best they could be someone who I lived separately from and saw socially/romantically, but I really can’t imagine even developing feelings for someone like that.

Stop nagging him. He's done nothing wrong and financially has achieved more than you.

If you don't like his financial style then leave, but for the love of God why are you getting at him for withdrawing cash from an ATM?

The special box of things for your forever home is a sign you’re not completely committed to this relationship. You should listen to your gut.