Will dilemma/drama - arrgghhhh!!!

[turquoisebeads]

I will try to keep this brief but it is a bit convoluted, so apologies in advance:

I'm in my 2nd marriage, husband has a son from previous marriage, I have daughter from previous marriage. He was divorced when we met, as was I but his wife is quite a bit older so when she saw me (a little younger, but not that much tbh!!), she freaked out and started trying to make sure the son never came to us. For quite a while, she was successful too (via a mix of frustrating the family court/poisoning the sons mind against us).

So my stepson is now in his 30's. He's almost never had a job. He even stole jewellery from his grandmother (he was caught trying to sell it for drugs) but they still buy him everything he wants: cars, motorbikes, and now.. a house!! It's completely crazy.

My daughter is also in her 30's. She's worked really judiciously (she lives in Boston USA), has studied, but with the living costs/healthcare costs etc and rent in the US, does still struggle a bit financially. We can't afford to buy her a place to live.

We have a property in the UK (a small terraced place in the north) and we also have a small place in Florida (in an apartment complex), where we've spent some of our holidays with her and other family.

My issue is this----my husband wants to leave all assets in our will 50/50, but I don't. We've been together for over 20 years and both worked day and night to have what we have. I still work 2 jobs myself and he works long days. His son is currently not working because he gets an income from his mother (not for working, just for 'being'... I guess... I'm not really sure). There doesn't seem to be any sign that he will look for any work. He tends to just play video games, smoke weed, and take other substances (some of which we have seen and told him he needs to clear out of his place, otherwise we'll have to call the cops. He HAS cleared them out on request, however... )...

So yeah, I don't want to feel forced to leave him 50% of my lifetimes work (assets, finances etc). Likewise, my husband obviously wants to leave him something but at the moment, is saying that he wants it to be 'fair'. He has always ACTED as tho my daughter is HIS daughter... but when we discussed it yesterday, it was as tho she was a stranger. He REALLY put his foot down, which was super upsetting tbh. Again, I'm not saying to completely cut his son OUT but 50% is too high for me to feel comfortable. IF I leave my 50% to my daughter on my death...then that messes up what he can and can't do with HIS future (and moving or selling he wants to do etc).

How the heck... do other steps families get on when getting their Wills done!!?? It's an absolute mine-field, and I don't know.. how to protect m daughters interests (from me). If I die before my husband, I now definitely do NOT trust that he would..... even..... leave her.... anything at all. I am so so worried about what I've worked for.... all going to his son...

Does anyone have any advice/examples on what they have done? We have had some legal advice and been advised to get mirror wills, but to get that, we would have to be in agreement about the split, and we are really not. Mega stressful tbh...

50/50 seems very fair. You have one child, he has one, you both sound as though you contributed equally to the marriage/assets.

You don't feel his son is as worthy as your daughter which is the problem - that's your issue to address.

Anything other than 50/50 would be unfair.

It absolutely should be 50/50. If it helps, think of it as all of your half going to your daughter and all of his going to his son. Speak to a solicitor about how to ensure your daughter receives her half if you die first - you can discuss with your husband whether you want to make provision for him being able to keep your shared properties etc for the duration of his lifetime (and vice versa if he dies first). But he's entitled to leave his money and assets to his son and YABU to think he shouldn't just because you don't consider him worthy of it.

I guess the only way to ensure your DD get "her" 50% is to leave your share directly to her in case you die before your DH.

You need professional advice Marlow Wills is very good and works remotely.

It sounds like you have a 50/50 share. As he clearly intends to leave his half to his son, leave your half to your daughter. It really is as simple as that, if you are both being fair.

I think 50/50 is fair. You each have one child. I don't personally think inheritance should be based on worthiness. It could be your kid who is a messed up wastrel and his who is perfect. Would you really be happy if your child got less?

I doubt it.

Make sure your assets are owned half each, not jointly. This is particularly true of your house which must not be joint, but held as tenants in common. (Jointly-owned assets automatically belong to the survivor without passing through any will).

Then each partner should leave the surviving partner a life interest in their half, to pass to their biological child after you've both gone.

I can see why he was upset - there's not much he can do for his son except leave him provided for.

It's unlikely, but never impossible, that the two of them could be in opposite situations by the time any money comes to them. If you daughter develops a drinking habit or has a mental health crisis and turns to drugs, for example, would you really leave her less money?

I would go 50/50, but with your husband having the right to live in the property until he dies, or moves. So in effect your half goes into trust for your daughter so he can’t change the will and leave it to his son

Then all money and personal belongings go to your daughter straight away

See a solicitor

I will try to keep this brief but it is a bit convoluted

It’s not though, is it?
You have 1 adult child.
Your DH has 1 adult child.
You have no shared children.

You can have mirror wills where either

A) Each of you leave your assets 50% to your spouse and 50% to your biological child.

B) Each of you leave nothing to each other and 100% to your biological child.

What his son does with his lifestyle vs what your daughter does with hers is totally irrelevant.

So yeah, I don't want to feel forced to leave him 50% of my lifetimes work (assets, finances etc).

You’re not leaving his son anything at all in your will.
You’re leaving your husband 50% of the assets you leave behind if you die first.

If he dies first he’s leaving you 50% of the assets he leaves behind and is not leaving your DD anything.

In this way it’s very fair.

Stop thinking of more than 50% of the assets of the marriage to be yours not his…

Whose money bought the house for the son because it does sound as there may need to be some equalling up?

Thanks for all comments.

SeasonFinale - the money for the sons house came from the marital home, which was bought by my husband (while with his previous wife who didn't work).

For 20 years, my husband has treated my daughter as his own and will call her 'his daughter'. Altho he/we do now see his son from time to time, the relationships are vastly different: for example, even tho she lives in Boston, she has been to our house in the north multiple times. The son has never been once.. in 20 years.. so altho it does seem like the 'fair' thing to do, to do a 50/50 split.. there are differing amounts that everyone has contributed to whatever wealth has been earned. I've got my own job but also help the husband, so in effect, I do two jobs. The son has never offered any help, not even when his dad was poorly and needed extra help. There seems to be (and yes, of course there would be, because it's my daughter), a quality-of-input-for20+ years-factor that could be taken into account.. I'm convinced that if the tables were turned that I would definitely want his son to have a larger %.

I dunno. I've never had this issue before. My family haven't ever had anything to pass on to anyone.

My PARENTS also have this issue too tho. They have 3 grown kids and I'm the only kid who still speaks to them. They're estranged from the other 2 and have been for decades. I'm not involved in their discussion about what they will or won't do tho, but if they need any help in the future, by way of caresure, I'll be thereit's just down to loyalty for me (despite the fact that my siblings absolutely have 100% valid reasons for the estrangement). The value of their assets is low tho so there's certainly no bunfight to be had - and if they've split it 3 ways, I'd be totally fine with that. It feels different when you're the one making the decisions tho... There does seem to be a qualitative aspect to it.. when things are so stark.. rather than a favouritism aspect.

Dunno, yes... I'm going to do more research and we'll definitely need some expert help.

Are you in a position to make a gift to your daughter now or in the future and thus make the 50/50 split more palatable?

Does DH not realise if he had not paid for the house for the son then in effect that money would be in the pot still available for the 50/50 split?

What you’re effectively saying is

I want my DH to treat my DD as if she’s his biological child (because‘relationship’, ‘input’ etc)
But I don’t want to treat his DS as my biological child (because lack of ‘relationship’, ‘input’ etc)

Can’t you see why he isn’t on board with this?

You’ve been together 20+ years. Counting your contribution as greater than his (2 jobs etc) sounds petty, to me anyway. These are decisions you made to benefit you & him, not what you’ll leave to others.

Oh for sure NoSquirrels, I can absolutely see that. It's difficult to provide any sort of context or detail (despite fairly long posts). I was more wondering what other people had done, in situations with step kids.

Some of the money (not much tho) from my divorce when into our UK property, so it does feel very convoluted.Just this weekend we had 3 full days of high stress where my stepson was due to go and help his 94 year old grandmother (my MIL) who had had a fall.. and he just... didn't. Husband was kind of..tip-toeing around the situation but clearly extremely upset about being let down, so then everyone suffers.. Just on and on with take and no give. I do think that eventually we'll probably settle on a 75/25 or something. When he was completely estranged from his son for a while, he had wanted 90/10 and had a Will drawn up to say as much, off his own back. But then, relationships change, people change... and there was some thawing.

The other issue is that my daughter is the only person he trusts to be executor (we don't want any fees from a solicitor being co-executor). Because I've never known... literally anyone... who has ever received any type of inheritance.. I have no idea of what's going to be involved in that role.. for her. His son is the type of person who will send a 2 word response to even the most high-alert type of message.. or a jolly message.. or an important message.. or any type of message. Just.. never wants to give anything of himself. I wish I could say it was MY presence that was causing this but he's the same with everyone, with no real explanation (no depression/anxiety etc). So I don't want to land my daughter with a 50/50 situation where she runs around and he sits waiting for payday. There could also be tax implications down the road, and they may not be knowable.. until assets are disposed of etc.. There is NO way.. she would be able to claim any of that back.. of those taxes came later down the line for her.

In terms of sentimental items too.. he's said he's not interested in having anything of his dads: none of his beloved guitars, little nicknacks passed down from their side.. nothing... whereas his dad is quite the sentimental type. Yeah, I know people are very different, for sure..

It should be 50/50. You have a child each. And that’s it. The fact that your stepson (who you interestingly refer to as ‘the son’ rather than my husband’s son’ or ‘my stepson’) is a PITA and your daughter isn’t, is not the point.

You aren’t going to do that if you can avoid it, but as everyone is telling you, it’s the fair thing to do. And no amount of you wriggling around will change that.

If you try and force it in your daughter’s favour it will impact on your marriage, so I wouldn’t if I were you,

I think you need to change your thinking on this to help yourself out OP. You have 50% of the assets to leave in your will, your husband has the other 50%. Both of you can chose to do what you want with your 50%.

Clearly, you want to give 100% of your 50% to your daughter which is totally fair.

Your husband wishes to give 100% of his 50% to his son, which is also totally fair.

His son is not getting half of what you have worked your life for. He is getting nothing from you. Your daughter is getting all of yours. His son is getting all of his. Like I say, totally fair (and also totally standard).

Presumably you will both have the will drafted in a way that allows whichever one of you outlives the other to stay in the property until you also die, to ensure neither of you end up homeless. Assuming so, what your husband wants to do is completely fair and what you are suggesting he should do (which is favour your daughter over his own son) is really very much not fair.

I agree with those saying it should be 50/50. What you think of your husband's son, or whatever your relationship with him is (or isn't) doesn't come into it. You are the one being unreasonable.

Forgot to add - an inheritance is not a reward for good behaviour! There are some rare instances where people have a right not to leave money to others, but this seems fairly straightforward to me. You are turning it into a reward/punishment thing.

Can you take emotions out of this... and stop thinking in terms of 'deserving' and 'non-deserving' descendants.

See a solicitor and

• change your home ownership from joint tenants to tenants in common.
• make a will that reflects what you want to do with your assets.
• and leave your husband to do what he wants to do with his assets.

If he keep on trying to favour your daughter you'll risk damaging your relationship with your husband. And he'd have every right to be upset.

You keep talking as if you’ve both died simultaneously and your DD is left to do the work and split you and your DH’s estates 50-50, while lazy DS sits around for a handout.

But what’s most likely to happen is that you or your DH will die first, one at a time. The surviving spouse will inherit 50% of the assets of the deceased while either DS or DD will inherit the other 50%. The surviving spouse can assist as executor. She won’t be slaving away for the benefit of a person she has no relationship with.

Leave your will to be 100% to DD if you want to give her more. Your DH can leave his in whatever proportion he chooses.

Spend it on your retirement and old-age care needs. Your daughter is young, healthy and hard-working. She doesn’t need it. She can do her own financial planning. Stop spoiling your life and relationship over something that may never happen.

@Shamoo

I think you need to change your thinking on this to help yourself out OP. You have 50% of the assets to leave in your will, your husband has the other 50%. Both of you can chose to do what you want with your 50%.

Clearly, you want to give 100% of your 50% to your daughter which is totally fair.

Your husband wishes to give 100% of his 50% to his son, which is also totally fair.

His son is not getting half of what you have worked your life for. He is getting nothing from you. Your daughter is getting all of yours. His son is getting all of his. Like I say, totally fair (and also totally standard).

Presumably you will both have the will drafted in a way that allows whichever one of you outlives the other to stay in the property until you also die, to ensure neither of you end up homeless. Assuming so, what your husband wants to do is completely fair and what you are suggesting he should do (which is favour your daughter over his own son) is really very much not fair.

This ^ The key is you leaving your daughter 100% of your share but giving your husband a lifetime interest in your home.

There are a lot of children who have lost out because parents had mirror wills leaving everything to each other. The surviving partner then either marries and their new partner inherits or the leave the whole to their child and nothing to the step child.

You are basing your will on the children’s behaviour rather than what’s fair.
If you decide to penalise the bad druggy irresponsible one by not leaving him as much/anything then that’s between you and DH but just acknowledge that you are making wills on that basis

Could you explain what you mean by Idothink that eventually we'll probably settle on a 75/25 or something

You each have a will so you will only have control over your individual assets. You can each write different wills.

@SeeminglyOblivious

50/50 seems very fair. You have one child, he has one, you both sound as though you contributed equally to the marriage/assets.

You don't feel his son is as worthy as your daughter which is the problem - that's your issue to address.

Anything other than 50/50 would be unfair.

This. It is also why I'd never marry again.