Husband midlife crisis - or past coming to haunt?

[Dunelmer]

Some men have a mid life crisis. I get it - they might want a Porsche, want to feel young etc etc.
But I just find this bizarre...and I suspect there is more "psychology" to it.

Background-
My husband is reliable to an extreme. Everything is organised and thought out. Family is everything to him. He grew up in grim poverty and neglect and became successful. He allowed his career to stagnate in a senior and well paid role as he's not into politics and so that I could go to work and have my own career. He has no interest in anything expensive - I think he'd faint if he wore something expensive. He loves his job and it just happens to pay well. He will take me for nice meals, but that's just for me. He'd be fine with a pizza and see it as a treat. He eats bland cereal daily and is happy to rock up to nice hotels in his old (but safe!) Volvo. But he spends where money is needed with no question. He's wonderful, but admittedly "quirky".

He decided he needed a project and something to occupy him. I told him to do what he liked and he deserves it. I assumed he'd come back with a carbon road bike or something....

But without further discussion he bought into a business. He found a site, a business partner who will run it, did all the legals and then ordered several eur100k of specialist equipment from Finland. Then took me to see it...

It is a time sink for only him and he has no time. But it is designed to run itself with the other guy. We have kids who are quite young.

On the one hand, I get it - he wants a bit of an "out". But his family was into this industry before a series of bad decisions and alcohol ruined it for everyone...including him.

I don't really know what to think. He tells everyone who'll listen about it with such a sparkle in his eyes. He tells me it will make some money, but he's obviously not quitting his job.

But my worry is that there is something underlying this dramatic change - I understand a lot of people with grim upbringings who manage to climb out, hit a pinnacle and revisit the past and it can manifest itself in a number of ways...mostly negative.

Is it as simple as - man wants something to show kids? Or is he having some kind of crisis related to his upbringing?

He's not the emotional type and insists he is fine, but just wanted to do something that's interesting (for him). But the fact it is so similar to what haunted his childhood worries me.

Wow that is a serious financial commitment he has made without discussing it with you first. Never mind the time required. I would be seriously upset by this.

It's not the investment that is concerning. He's sensible and deals with large projects all the time. He's a mix between an engineer/lawyer/financial type and can cope with all that side. As he told me, at worst the equipment will be re-sold.

It's him I'm worried about - it's not coincidence this is the same line of business that his family were previously involved in before bankruptcy and destitution. My worry is he is trying to prove something to himself - he has decided he needed to "challenge his demons".

If it's not financially irresponsible, then is it a problem at all?

It could be nostalgia, or a chance to repeat something in the hope of a better ending. If it's rational- and it sounds like it's financially rational at least- then is it a big deal?

What's the downside?

He's spent money he can afford and time he had available to set something up that will run more or less independently. It may or may not turn a small profit. He's enjoyed the process.

I'm not sure.
He kept it from me, but I get the impression he wanted to impress me... I wasn't impressed but he joked that it wasn't big enough to impress me.

But my niggling concern is that it is something childhood related. Say it doesn't work out... sure the equipment will be sold... But what if he gets drawn into the past.

I'm probably overly concerned and should let him have his little toy set without my interference.

I remember when I saw his siblings. The destruction in that family was something shocking...

Men who can't talk about emotions are a disaster when things go wrong...

Honestly I think it's hard to know without fully understanding the situation- which you do. Keep an eye on him, keep talking and showing an interest, make sure he knows he can tell you if it's doing badly as well as doing well.

Don't put him in the position of doubling down and hiding problems because you'd warned him and he's embarrassed to 'fess up.

My husband is a little like yours- very specific interests I don't share, no interest in 'finer things'. It's hard to spoil or reward him, as he doesn't appreciate much. There's only so much chocolate he can eat!

I've tried to stop rolling my eyes at the massive book/cd/dvd collections piling up under the beds and on top of the cupboards, as it could be far worse

Several hundred thousand euros (at least 300K then?) and you’re calling it “his toy set”? Seriously?

Unless your money is completely separate, I would hit the fucking roof over that being spent without a word to me.

And that’s not to say I wouldn’t have said go for it - just, no way would my husband spend £300K without talking to me - and we do have very separate money (second marriage, older, no joint kids).

I think you’re over thinking the psychology though. It’s not a bad thing if he knows that business and wants to prove that without the bad decisions he’s better than whoever ballsed it up before. Assuming it was ballsed up rather than a Covid style event that was unpredictable! As long as he’s got knowledge and a sensible business - approach, which it sounds like he has?

What has stopped you from asking him about it’s relevance to his past?

I mean, I doubt you are far off, I’m sure if his childhood was that grim it has shaped the person he is in every way, even when he is reacting against it and seeming to do the opposite. What do you think you can and should do? You’re not concerned about the money, he won’t say it’s anything related to past trauma. I think all you can do is be alert to signs of depression or breakdown if you think this is the start of a slippery slope. Ideally you could ship him off to therapy, but I’m guessing he doesn’t think he needs it?

'engineer/lawyer/financial type' Quite a broad range of skills there!

Yes. Engineer first then broadened out. Oil industry. Many people start with technical skills then due to nature of projects need to broaden their skills. As he says, with oil "the engineering is easy, it's the living in the tent and negotiating with the local laws which is the difficult bit".

Having watched from the sidelines, I don't think there are many careers so international and complex. Alaska to Zimbabwe, all need oil. For now.

Asset financed at proj level so his contribution was nowhere near that amount.

On the limited information provided there is a strong possibility this is related to his childhood. He could be wanting to replicate/build what the family previously had almost as a see the family has got this back. Sorry very poor English but struggling to articulate.

One thing I have realised is that things which happened in childhood are very powerful and unexpected behaviours can pop up decades later. Even though they may have had a good life as an adult, the childhood impacts never leave them.

I don’t know what to advise other than talking to your husband and asking him to explain his thinking. Ask him to discuss further investment with you first and have a saving pot in your name only.