Money talk and children

[Justmeandthree]

I have 3 children 11,9 and 4.
I just constantly seem to be struggling with finances. I'm single and on UC..I increased my hours at work to earn a little more just to put in a fun fund cause we never seem to do anything fun as a family. No holidays or meals/days out just because I always seem to struggle. But now my children's child Maintenance has stopped so I'm back to struggling again as well as working more.....but lately my eldest has been asking for pocket money which I would love to give but just can't afford it....not as a weekly or monthly thing anyway because there's always 'something' that pops up in a month that I need to pay for...I do pay for clubs for them to go to, swim, football ect but if I didnt they wouldn't have a life. My eldest says things like, it's a good job Santa brings Christmas presents cause you wouldn't be able to afford them

I have told the kids I can't just buy things they want all the time cause I've not enough money, even if it's just an ice cream...but I don't know if I should be saying things like that to them or not, on one hand it makes them realise they need to be careful with money and not ask for everything but on the other it could make them worry about of they are 'poor' not sure what to do.

Sorry that you're having a hard time.

Your eldest is old enough to understand that some families don't have as much money as others and the fact is that you're one of them.

Surely an 11 YO doesn't still believe in Santa so comments like that need nipping in the bud. I don't see how shielding the eldest at least from the reality of the situation is helpful as it risks you making your financial situation worse if they are trying to keep up with more comfortable friends, eg you get into debt or divert money from food/bills to give them what they ask for.

Maybe try to have a chat with them separate from their siblings?
Point out the things they do have. If you are able to house them and put enough food on the table, buy school uniforms, you're in a better position than some and they have to accept that.

Why has maintenance stopped? Is that something that can be resolved? Is there any way that your 11 YO can earn their own pocket money, eg if you have friends, relatives, neighbours who you are close enough with to ask them if they would be willing to 'employ' them they might be glad of the help. I used to help an elderly neighbour who struggled with mobility with a bit of weeding, dead heading roses etc and she'd give me 50 p for my trouble (this is decades ago). One of my nephews helps his DGM in a similar way now.

Apologies if its teaching you to suck eggs, but Moneysaving Expert is a great resource for all things budgeting, signposting for help to increase your income, or get things cheaper so your money goes further.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/money-help/

But even little things can help. If they want an ice cream, buy a multipack from a supermarket/convenience store instead of the ice cream van, as it's loads cheaper.

I think it's important to be frank with the eldest.
Explain that everybody's circumstances are different and there are reasons why some things are out of your price range. It's fine to tell them you can't afford things. That way they will understand that you aren't being mean. my mom would explain these things to me so as I got older I got into the frugal habit as well.
See if you are claiming all the discounts you are entitled to (some after school clubs offer funding to those on a low income) warm home discount/ big difference scheme for water/

I'm sorry that you have so much financial pressure on your shoulders. I was raised by a single mum and your story sounds familiar to what life was like for me and my siblings. I did make a similar Santa comment once, but it was because I wanted mum to know I appreciated the gifts from Santa and didn't know how to tell her, so said something equally as clunky and thoughtless. I'm sure your older kids know about Santa now so maybe just wanted a reaction.

It's frustrating not having any extra money when other kids seem to, but I have three of my own kids now and I look back and really appreciate what my mum did for us. We didn't really suffer from not having lots of extras and pocket money etc. It's made me very thrifty and appreciative of what I have now. Like you my mum was always very open about finances, but I think that is heathy and helps the kids understand the reality of the situation as well as having a better grasp of money as an adult.

I hope you get lots of useful advice on here to help you save or raise funds.

You sound like you're doing a great job and everything you can to give the kids a nice life. I just wanted to let you know that.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and helpful advice.

To answer the question about why maintenance stopped, I'm not sure really...he stated it is because he isn't working but this has turned out to be a lie previous. It's not the first time and the last time it was worse because I had no other source of income, I was with my now ex who didn't help out so couldn't claim and studying whilst works by part time so not earning much. I missed mortgage payments and ended up in arrears and credit rating was shot....still is. But I've re paid the mortgage arrears so that's a load off. Just stuck with the very low credit rating now.

Your 11 year old is old enough to understand that Daddy isn't stepping up and supporting his family. Does your ex see the kids?

Does your 11 year old not know about Father Christmas? I think I'd tell him so his expectations are adjusted

Not sure if he knows or not, think he has an inkling....I'm not going to tell him Santa isn't real....