Saving for a New House/Mortgage Overpayments: Trying to Convince Partner.

[Arsenal123]

My partner and I are looking to move to a bigger house before starting a family. We earn roughly the same and work full-time.

Currently we have a joint account with standing orders, in addtion to our personal accounts that our salaries are paid into. We transfer enough to cover the mortgage, bills, etc into the joint. Approx 30% of salary.

My partner wants to move before we start a family but is not currently saving.

They spend a LOT online shopping (usually designer clothing and accessories, tech, etc) and finance for their new sporty SUV. 5/7 days they receive parcels and the two spare room wardrobes are full of their clothes in addition to 60% our bedroom wardrobe.

My in-laws purchased me a massage for my birthday and randomly bought them a designer fragrance. Nothing wrong with that, but they randomly gift them things throughout the year that of equivalent value to what I would receive on a birthday or Christmas as a main gift. They also pay the bill for their new iPhone XL ... (£50).

We have a really good mortgage rate but had to put down a bigger deposit than we originally wanted to in order to get it. My partner put up so much resistance to this but eventually caved under their mum's advice. Possibly with their help too?

They have a suboptimal rate on their car finance as they could not get a bank loan and had to go for finance with the garage. They originally wanted to get a flashy Range Rover but the insurance was around £2,000 and the running costs and repayments, just crazy.

Maybe I am being a stick in the mud to an extent but as we are planning to start a family soon I really need us to be able to afford a larger mortgage with at least one of us working part time.

Whilst we have been living together I have saved £10,000 but I have made some sacrifices to do that. For instance I bought my dad's car rather than choose something much more expensive that I really wanted.

I really want to overpay the mortgage or put it towards the new place ... but I feel resentful as they could have saved the same, or at least something.

I treat myself often but not excessively. I also shop around for bargains. I budget around £20 for gifts as I have a huge family. They have a small family and they got their dad a £500 birthday gift just last week. I'm fine with this but we really need to prioritise our own finances. I don't want to be working forever or have to work overtime to make ends meet. To be fair it has never yet come to this.

We both come from working class families. Their parents have been able to give them more than mine could as I have siblings and we've always had to earn what we have. In hindsight, despite this sucking at times, it has made me more careful with money.

Any suggestions?

Thank you

This sounds a nightmare. Without getting into controlling how they spend their fun money, you really need to sit down and have an honest conversation about finances before starting a family, savings, priorities, draw up a joint budget. They need a reality check.

I would be so hesitant to bring a baby into this unless he shows a willingness to compromise OP, I'm sure you know that as you sound very sensible but believe me, the resentment will eat at you. What happens when you need to pay childcare and expenses for a baby? Is he going to expect you to continue to contribute as you have been to all the bills while on mat leave? Will you have to go back to work early to fund his lifestyle? I'd be having a very in-depth conversation about his expectations of your finances when you have a little one to provide for.

If he's not willing to try and adjust his spending, I would be considering my future to be honest. Don't underestimate how much mismatched attitudes to finances will wear you down. DP and I had to massively curtail our spending for the last 4 years due to having a surprise baby who ended up having medical expenses and also saving for a house deposit. This was a much bigger shock to DP who was used to treating himself as and when he felt like it. It's been shit at times but we've persevered with a "at least we're in this together and it's only temporary" outlook. It's finally starting to pay off as we were able to go sale agreed on a house recently and have been able to start being a bit more relaxed with spending again. I can't imagine how annoyed I'd have been for the last 4 years if I was buying second hand clothes, scrounging any bit of overtime I could get, sewing up holes in DD's toys/clothes and cutting my own hair if he was still pissing ££££ up against the wall on designer clothes and tech.

One of the things that worked for my DP, who by his own admission just spends til his wages are gone (and this is a trick as old as time but it works). Agree an amount to go into savings and that comes straight out of both your wages as soon as you are paid and into a separate account. Treat it like a bill and forget this money exists. Actually a good idea would be to work out how much nursery fees would be for a child when you go back to work (if that's what you are planning) and each pay 50% of that every month. You get the double bonus of saving towards the house and also adjusting your expectations of your budget when you have a child to consider too.

Have you tried putting together an annual spending budget? I would try keeping track of every penny you both spend for the month and put it all on Excel into categories such as clothes, takeaway, etc and see if doing that and then multiplied by 12 for the yearly figure, will give him a bit of a shot.

I did a lot of work to get DH onboard with overpaying the mortgage and using stocks and shares ISAs but he loves to save so I didn’t have the battle of stopping him buying crap.

There are programs about stopping spending maybe you should try watching those or if he is goal oriented try some sort of challenge?

There are different things you could mention other than financial, such as the environmental impact of this consumerism, or having so much stuff makes the house untidy or would he like to be able to save for early retirement?

Does he actually use all this stuff? On one of the tv shows they might get all the t shirts together and ask how many t shirts the person thinks they have and they will say err 15 and it will be 65.

I would try a few different things including directly telling him how you feel, how worried you are and asking him why on earth he needs so much. Is it some sort of insecurity that means he thinks he needs all this stuff

Advice?
Split up.
You’re deeply incompatible in your approach to spending and finances.
My marriage therapist of many years experience said that arguing over money was second only to cheating in what brought couples to him.

In this instance, “they” is a bit unhelpful. You sound like a both born as female couple, however you now identify? That matters, when it comes to your plans to start a family because it very often impacts the balance of power. Who exactly needs to work? You can only make that decision for you. If you need them to work (especially if to support you working less paid hours) then frankly you’re a fool to start a family relying on that.

Your dp hasn't grown up yet. And it may never happen in a financial sense.
Their approach to finances wouldn't work for me.
You will feel a bit like a parent party pooper in this relationship. Nothing worse for a sensible saver investor type to be with an overspender frittering money all over the place. I foresee arguments galore.
By the way I think there is something very wrong with them receiving a gift from your in-laws on your birthday. Fgs!