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Original poster

Money promised but not materialised

29 replies

Moneyissue101 · 13/05/2021 16:36

Hello, have name change for this in case I'm thrown to the dogs but hopefully not!

Basically about a month ago visiting my parents my dad made a comment to my mum along the lines of "shall we tell her?" "Her" being me. So I was like "ooh what?!" And my mum got annoyed with my dad like "well I wasn't wanting to say anything yet because we haven't told the other person yet". Dad was like "well, I just think it would be good so they know they can plan things". Im just watching and listening like wtf is going on?!
So basically in the end it turned out my parents had loaned my sister £20k and now my sister's divorce had come through and everything is settled she was going to pay the £20k back. What my parents decided was my sister could keep £10k and I would get £10k and dad said they feel like we should enjoy some inheritance now rather than waiting.

So about a week and a half after that my mum told me she'd transfer the money up to £3k due to the cap for monetary gifts and that if there's something we wanted to buy she would just pay it. All fine. She also made a comment about me frittering it away and I was like no I won't. 🤷

So still didn't hear anything, I know my sister paid half her loan back to them. I messaged mum asking if she had my bank details and confirmed them with her, she said sure I'll do soon. That was a week ago and still nothing.
I just feel like I'm being made to beg/ask for it. I don't actually have anything to buy right now, it would just sit in me and DH joint account but I just hate the fact of having this carrot dangling in front of me and nothing coming from it?

I also feel a bit sidelined since obv my sister has her share and I've just been forgotten about and obviously it's awkward for me to ask when I'm likely to get this money. At the same time its up to then what they do with their money but it would be a bit off if they have to DS and not me wouldn't it?!

In the past my parents have used money with a way of controlling me or making monetary gifts seem like a nice gesture but then it comes with ties.
I wish they'd just never mentioned it to me now!
Do I just keep quiet and if it materializes, great and if not, tough? My husband did also witness the initial convo so I feel they surely wouldn't have if they didn't really mean it. :/

OP posts:

shivawn · 13/05/2021 17:57

I'd just be patient OP, she said she'll do it soon a week ago so maybe she just hasn't gotten around to it yet? Also if you're different banks there might be a small delay in the money coming through.

Cocomarine · 13/05/2021 18:19

Doesn’t sound like you’ve been forgotten about at all - from your past experience, sounds like your parents are playing silly buggers over it for their own gratification.

How much do you want to play their game?
How much do you want to beg?

Personally, I’d leave it. But then, I expect if my parents were like that, I’d have very little to do with them anyway.

I’d say either get your rhino skin on and pester like hell, or piss them off by going quiet.

Brokenpencilsarepointless · 13/05/2021 18:22

I think you have to make a choice. You either let it go or you push it, because I dont think you'll get the money without pushing for it.

Maybe text your dad, since he was the one more into telling you, and ask if there has been a problem with the bank details as nothing has come through and you're worried it's been sent to some random person if the numbers are wrong.

Cocomarine · 13/05/2021 18:22

By the way, you can carry forward the exemption for one year - so if you choose the pester option, then pester for £6K.

Original poster

Moneyissue101 · 13/05/2021 19:45

Yes so I did alter a few details on this. But mum did make a comment about the only sending 3k and I then googled and found they could use the previous year allowance and told her and she seemed ok with that. I showed her the government page and she seemed surprised but pleased

Then some days later I sent the thing about bank details

So now tonight after reading you're replies and she had messaged me about something else I said "have you sent the transfer? I haven't seen it but was worried it has gone awol". She replied "we will tell you when we're doing it. Have you contacted the joiner?"

So when they had advised me and DH we were going to get the money we had said oh maybe we can get the built in storage now. And it seems like my mother wants us to use this money for that and that we won't get it u til I organise the joiner.
In my mind if they decide to gift is money, we should be able to decide what to spend it on. We actually do have savings in the bank but we haven't spent if as we wanted a buffer. So if we really wanted to we could just plough on and get the storage done but what I'm worried about it spending the money and then her going back on her word.

My sister doesn't have any constraints obviously as she was in a better position in that she had the money and only had to pay half back.

It just feels frustrating because she always treats me as if I'm going to blow all this money and be irresponsible with it when actually it's going to be the opposite!

If I don't hear anything I am going to speak to my dad about it in a week or two.

OP posts:

DeeplyMovingExperience · 13/05/2021 19:50

I wouldn't bother mentioning it again. It's a form of control / game-playing.

Aprilwasverywet · 13/05/2021 19:54

Is your dsis always favoured?
I reckon they intend to pay the joiner direct.... The money won't ever see your hands op.

Let it go . And make a mental note to forward any requests they make of you in the future to dsis...

Original poster

Moneyissue101 · 13/05/2021 19:58

Mmm i wouldn't say she is favoured all the time but at the moment it seems so. I'm not sure if that's because she has been through a hard time recently or not. But they have given their fair share of bat shorter to her as well. I'm messaging Ds right now and she's agreeing with me they are weird about money things. A d she agrees she should have just transferred me the half rather than send it to my folks first!
I agree it seems like she will want to pay the joiner directly but it won't cost the full amount of the inheritance I don't think.
Uft it's just frustrating.

OP posts:

Original poster

Moneyissue101 · 13/05/2021 20:02

@DeeplyMovingExperience

I wouldn't bother mentioning it again. It's a form of control / game-playing.

It is, definitely. But I do think it's not my dad, it's my mum. So I will mention it once more to him without her there and see what he says about it. Because I have a feeling she hasn't told him she hasn't transferred it yet.

OP posts:

Mia85 · 13/05/2021 20:41

mum did make a comment about the only sending 3k and I then googled and found they could use the previous year allowance and told her and she seemed ok with that. I showed her the government page and she seemed surprised but pleased

Why are they worried about inheritance tax? Wouldn't you and your sister be the main beneficiaries anyway? If they have reason to be concerned then can't they both gift you £5K (IIRC if it is from a joint account the assumption is that they have both gifted half) and use this and last year's allowance?

It's possible she's got confused and thinks there is rule that prevents her from giving gifts over £3K but (assuming you're in the UK) the 'annual allowance' is only concerned with caculating inheritance tax. Aside from the tax implications there's nothing to prevent her from giving you hundreds of thousands if she wants to!

Original poster

Moneyissue101 · 13/05/2021 20:53

@Mia85

Yes we will get a large inheritance when they pass (they've told us) but this is just a small gift for now and want to avoid paying tax on it hence the 3k limit but yes, she is now aware she could give 6k with no tax implications.

OP posts:

Reinventinganna · 13/05/2021 20:56

Mentioning seems grabby.
Just wait and see if it comes. If it does great, if it doesn’t you know where you stand.

Cocomarine · 13/05/2021 20:57

Call her bluff.
Tell her you’ve had some joiner recommendations but you’re not contacting anyone until you know she’s happy to give you the money as, “situations can change and you might need it.”

If she comes out with crap about paying direct or you needing to get a quote first, call her on it. Don’t piss about, directly and politely (but firmly) say: “why won’t you transfer it?” Make her TELL you she’s pissing you about. “Why wasn’t that an issue with sister?” “Why do you think I don’t make sensible decisions with money?”

Don’t let her off the hook. Make her come out with crap to your face. No more apologetic, indirect, “oh I was worried the transfer went awry”. More, “will you transfer the money please? I want to get the joinery sorted.”

Mia85 · 13/05/2021 21:01

My point was that as it seems to be a gift from them both can't they both use their exemptions and give you the lot now? Assuming that they are actuall concerned about the exemptions and not using it as an excuse

Lampzade · 13/05/2021 21:15

Op, you need to stop asking about this money.

Original poster

Moneyissue101 · 13/05/2021 22:18

@Mia85

Yes well I did change some details so it could be they both use their one yr allowance or one of then used their allowance and their additional years allowance. But as you see the issue is actually getting the money lol!

OP posts:

Original poster

Moneyissue101 · 13/05/2021 22:20

@Lampzade

Op, you need to stop asking about this money.

I'm not going to raise it with mum again. I may mention to my dad in a while about it because I genuinely believe he thinks she will have sent me it but I won't do it soon.

I just don't understand why it has to be so difficult. If you say you're going to give a gift, then give it and don't fanny around. I kind of feel humiliated by it all.

OP posts:

Muchmorethan · 13/05/2021 22:32

She basically wants to be too involved in your life and doesn’t see you as an adult who's capable of paying her bills which is why she wants the joiners details.

Personally l wouldn't entertain this bullshit and she either gives it to you or she doesn't. If she doesn't, then make your peace with it and move on.

Original poster

Moneyissue101 · 13/05/2021 22:38

@Muchmorethan

She basically wants to be too involved in your life and doesn’t see you as an adult who's capable of paying her bills which is why she wants the joiners details.

Personally l wouldn't entertain this bullshit and she either gives it to you or she doesn't. If she doesn't, then make your peace with it and move on.

Yes, this is true and she's always been like this. Occasionally I completely withdraw but we go round in circles. There's definitely issues but I just can't be bothered to raise then with her because she is toxic if things don't go her way.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 14/05/2021 17:55

Just go through your dad.

And tell your mum yes, you’ve been in touch with the joiner and he’s getting a quote sorted. Might as well get the quote anyway, I’d think? No obligation on you to actually go ahead with the work without the cash actually in your bank account, though.

skeemee · 14/05/2021 19:44

So they are obviously not bothered about the tax implications on your ds £10k. Would this not be classed as a gift as well 🤷🏻‍♀️? Fair enough it was originally a loan, but she has only repaid half, so the rest must be a gift? Someone please correct me if I’m wrong.

Otherwise, as them for a loan of £10k instead 😂

Original poster

Moneyissue101 · 14/05/2021 20:13

@skeemee ah sorry they lent her the money I think 2 or 3 years ago then her life came crashing down around her and so it's only been addressed now she got her divorce settlement. And also it was to renovate her letting properties so I don't know if my parents just paid all the work so no tax issues there. I know my mum did Alot of work herself on those properties as my sister is in a different country so it's very likely she did just pay the contractors herself.

Anyhoo she has re-asked for my bank details so let's see! She also asked if we have savings and aren't in debt, dunno why but we don't anyway and no cc or anything.
Fingers crossed :)

OP posts:

Twickerhun · 14/05/2021 20:19

Don’t mention the money again for a long time. Don’t play the game.

Original poster

Moneyissue101 · 14/05/2021 22:25

Oh she has transferred it! Omg!
Now I feel bad!

OP posts:

Aprilwasverywet · 14/05/2021 22:31

Woo!!. Great result op!!

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