FWP - panicking about money and school fees

[Parttime1]

I know this is a first world problem but I wanted to get some outside opinions.

Sorry, this turned out really long.

My DH is pretty rubbish with money. He sticks his head in the sand, as long as there is money in the account he doesn't really care. I usually deal with finances and he doesn't really want to discuss this with me he just tells me everything will be ok.

We moved house last autumn, it's a lovely big house but I am slightly panicking that we didn't think things through and have moved as a knee- jerk reaction to lockdown and WFH etc. Our previous house was ok, needed a bit of work but was in a desirable area of London and sold quickly- I think we rushed into buying somewhere else. DH was the driving force behind moving because his job has become fully remote. I work 3 days a week, a mixture of at home and in the office in London.

We have moved out of London and have put our DC in private school (they are 6&4) mainly because we couldn't get state places organised in time but now we love the school they are in and so it is unlikely we will move them in the near future (plus 3rd school in 2yrs for DC?). Their names are down at our preferred state school just in case but last time I checked they had gone down the list, not up!

I am worried we have bitten off more than we can chew. Previously we had a small mortgage (£600 a month but we overpaid a few hundred each month) and childcare fees/ tutoring of £500 a month. Now we have school fees of £28k a year and a mortgage of £1,300 a month.

DH didn't get his bonus (which he usually does, it is contractual but there is a force majeure clause which his company activated despite their annual profits not being affected by Covid) which means we cannot save as much as we would like (we do not rely on it for living expenses but there were a few things we needed/ would like for the house which we will need to wait for now).

Our monthly net income is £9k - previously we saved about £2.5k into pensions and for moving/ renovation (my pension is poor but my DH has a decent amount put in by his company), DC went to a state school but the remote learning was basically zero so we topped up with tutors and we then changed to private school when we moved, until last August DD was at a private nursery costing £1,300 a month. Then we spent about £4k on bills and everything else.

I think lockdown made us feel richer than we actually are.

For the first couple of months we had additional moving expenses - all new uniform for DC, changing locks, having the alarm system updated, fencing repairs, some redecorating costs (paint is so much more expensive than I had realised!) and a couple of bits of additional furniture (this house is twice the size of our old one), new pans because the ones we had didn't work on an induction hob etc. The garden is massive so we still need a ride on lawnmower, oil powered heating which needed topping up when we moved in and will probably need a top up again soon(ouch!). It goes on...

Things have kind of settled down now but still I think we are going to find things a little tight which seems ridiculous.

Income: £9k
Outgoings:
£1,300 mortgage

£2,500 school fees (we have paid the remainder of this year's and so want to start saving for next and uniform costs and other extras)

£1,500 bills and food (our food bill seems ridiculous atm, this includes all essentials - council tax, water, oil, electricity, car tax, MOT, petrol (we drive a lot more), insurances, tv and internet, private dental (because we have never managed to get an nhs dentist).

£1,000 spending money - this includes things like clothes and shoes (I set aside £200 a month for all of us, it doesn't seem to go far and DH barely spends any of it), Christmas, birthdays - I set aside £100 a month for Christmas expenses (parties, extra food, clothes, presents for our large families) and £50 a month for birthdays - presents for us, friends and DC's party), DC activities (£200 a month, usually paid termly though so probably a little less), socialising (not much recently but perhaps £200 a month before?), my commuting costs (which are now £30 a day as it isn't feasible to buy a season ticket for ad hoc days, I probably do 5/6 days a month in the office, I paid £100 a month before) and £100 each to DH and me for small spends (for coffees/ bits for hobbies, my makeup etc) - this expenditure has been low during lockdown and we have been saving most of this/ spending it on the house but already things are creeping back - music/dance / swimming lessons starting up again, we all needed new shoes/ trainers and all booked in for haircuts next week etc. I don't know if it just because everything is coming up at once? I also feel like a lot of the DC's activities are costing more here - not much, maybe £1 a session but they do three things a week each so it adds up.

£1,000 pension and ISAs/ JISAs (I get the bare minimum through work so put an extra £600 in, £100 a month into each of our JISA and ISA) for longterm savings

£700 for holidays and holiday childcare (our holidays are usually £6k ish a year (less this year because we are staying in the U.K.) and then holiday clubs another £2k or so depending on what they do

£1000 - top up rainy day fund, car fund (our car is 10yrs old and will need to be replaced in the next couple of years, we might even need a second car) and to put towards some things we need and would like to do to the house - like I say, the house is big and has about 1 acre garden - nothing is immediately required and the kitchen and bathrooms are new. We didn't do much to our old house (because we planned to renovate) and so I would really like to keep on top of maintenance in this one as I know how things can easily slip if not kept on top of. Our rainy day fund (£15k) is down to less than 3 month's expenses which I know is more than some but we always had a decent buffer - I want to get this up to 6 months ideally. We do still have money in our ISA's too but this is supposed to be for the future - university, retirement etc. But I suppose if necessary we do have them there to dip into.

I tentatively plan to return to work FT - DH is not that supportive as it is generally me who does all the dropping and collecting of DC, housework and cooking - he likes the status quo but even then after deducting additional childcare costs and travel it would be about an extra £500 a month coming in - and some of that would have to go on a cleaner.

I guess I am just panicking about all the outlay after a few years of saving pretty hard.

Our original intention was to do up our old house - add an extension and loft conversion, it was when we got the quotes that we decided we may as well spend the money we had saved (£100k) and extend the mortgage (quotes were £250k + for our London house, it would have been a big job and so we would have moved out and rented somewhere for a few months too) for an already bigger house out of London. Then there was the stamp duty, agents fees etc - we have spent most of our savings and increased the mortgage. Our mortgage is £250,000 but we kept the term of our original mortgage, 18 years.

School - we were not happy with our DS's old school, even before lockdown and were thinking about private schools then. I distinctly remember sitting down and working out all the costs and it all seemed fine - but then moving has drained our reserves and everything just seems more expensive. Council tax is £350 a month. Water £50, electricity £80, oil - we just spent over £1k and I don't really know how long that will last. Food - I'll admit I have been buying more convenience food as I have been busy working, homeschooling and sorting out the new house but we are spending over £600 a month at the moment.

Then there was the kick in the teeth with DH's bonus - it is usually £25k after tax and we usually squirrel it away either in pensions and ISA's so I don't know why it is worrying me that we don't have it this year. I think it wasn't paid because the company claimed furlough money for other employees and it would seem wrong to give a bonus and payrises (even though their profits remained pretty unchanged).

Do you think this is all manageable? The house overwhelms me at the moment - everywhere I look there seems to be something needed to be done (lots of small jobs that we can do ourselves and also bigger things that worry me - it has a huge roof and although the survey said it was ok, if that needed doing it would be £30k at least). I feel like I knew our old house inside out and could forget about the small jobs, it feels different now.

School feels like such a massive commitment but DC love it there - I would gladly give up other things to keep them there (DS's first school just was not the right place for him and he is a different boy here even after a few weeks) but then the fee increase letter came through with the bills for next term and I got in a panic (4% increase when I had planned for 5% so I have no idea why it made me anxious).

Our jobs are pretty secure, I do not maximise my earning potential at all - I have been plodding along in the same old job for 10 years with one pay rise in all that time, DH could probably earn more too but he likes his current job and loves WFH.

Would you worry at this level of expenditure with our income?

You seriously need to work on your budget and thinking. You are pissing money up the wall

They save 2k plus a month & probably have a ton of house equity. Hardly pissing money up a wall.

I mean, there’s first world problems, and then there’s first world problems... 9k monthly net, living in a dream house. I’m genuinely stunned! If you’re worried you don’t have much money saved, then just spend a bit less?!

Whenever you have money to save you are generally doing fine. Don't overthink things, you only live once!!

Do you budget at all? Doesn't matter how much you earn but it can be frittered away on varying things if you're not careful. You can also put yourself under stress worrying if you have enough for everything.
We use YNAB. They do a 35 day trial but if you're still not sure you can message them to ask for longer.
You basically put in how much you have coming in each month and allocate it to different categories. You allocate all the money until it's gone- but also make sure you have savings set up for Xmas, birthdays, holidays, the random things like the garden bin which always takes you by surprise each year.
It's helped us no end by taking away the stress of have we got enough? You automatically have enough for the priorities and then it forces you to cut back on the things that aren't necessities.

I can post a referral link if you're interested... I know other people on here use it too.

I suspect your anxiety is part due to how quickly things changed. I can imagine how it went from floating a ‘crazy’ idea to it becoming a reality and then before you know it, you’re unpacking in a new house, in the blink of an eye.

I won’t reiterate some of the very good points above. But re not being able to save as much, you sound like you are just squirrelling money away for future, which is fine. But do you have an actual plan with how much you need? Eg retire at x age, live on savings for x years before pension kicks in. Would like income of y.
Then you can work backwards and think - right only need to save x a month to get what we need. And that amount could well be below what you were saving. You may not need as much as you think.

I’d be more worried if the bulk of your income was from your DH, and what would happen if he lost his job / ill. But that can be helped with insurances and maybe he’s in a very much sought after industry so job loss is not a problem. Or you can up your hours and earn more if you needed to.

We don’t have an income as much as yours, but we are doing ok, but I still feel anxious about ever being in a position we really struggle. Which I get is FWP and many people could (rightfully) tell me to p1ss off. But it doesn’t stop me worrying. Grew up v poor, and I hate that I don’t earn enough to support the family if OH lost his job.

You save more than we earn a month.

Get a hold of yourself.

Two things that strike me.

Firstly I do think people underestimate how much big houses in the country cost to run. And I don't mean big like mini stately home big. I mean large farmhouse-Esque. Dunelm curtains don't fit, IKEA looks cheap. A ceiling falls in, the carpet is a huge cost when you realise quite home many sq ft it is. And that's before you factor in the cost of servicing the Aga, servicing the ride on mower or the gate you have to put in that cost a fair old whack.

I don't think you're over extended but I think you need to stop living the way you were. We are also lucky enough to have a big house in the country and choose to pay for private. But my 5 year olds trainers are hand me downs from her cousin. Our food bill is less than £400 a month and we eat bloody well. Our clothes budget is more like £100 a month not £200.

@Calmingvibrations I think that's it, I grew up pretty poor and I worry that we will waste what we have end up like that too. My parents have only just been able to retire and my dad is 74. If I worked full time I would earn about a third of DH's salary, it does worry me. I look around and wonder how we got ourselves here. We had a house that was almost mortgage free and DC at state school and almost instantly everything has changed. I panic that we have made a huge mistake. I have no one to talk to about this IRL and that's why I posted here. I know I am fortunate and we're in the top 1% or whatever but it feels like a big responsibility to do the right thing and that the only way is down.

Sorry it has upset so many people, I genuinely didn't mean that at all.

You're not having to worry about whether to heat or eat. Many people in the first world have that problem.

You'll be fine.

Sometimes when I have a lot on my mind or I am
In a stressful situation I book a few sessions of counselling and it really helps. OP would you consider this, you may get some tips for when you are worrying about things and then you may be able to enjoy your new home and village more?

feels like a big responsibility to do the right thing and that the only way is down

What do you mean by do the right thing?

As for the only way being down, that's what happens when you're at the top! Appreciate and enjoy what you have. There's always selling your house and state schools if you need it.

@flowerycurtain

Two things that strike me.

Firstly I do think people underestimate how much big houses in the country cost to run. And I don't mean big like mini stately home big. I mean large farmhouse-Esque. Dunelm curtains don't fit, IKEA looks cheap. A ceiling falls in, the carpet is a huge cost when you realise quite home many sq ft it is. And that's before you factor in the cost of servicing the Aga, servicing the ride on mower or the gate you have to put in that cost a fair old whack.

I don't think you're over extended but I think you need to stop living the way you were. We are also lucky enough to have a big house in the country and choose to pay for private. But my 5 year olds trainers are hand me downs from her cousin. Our food bill is less than £400 a month and we eat bloody well. Our clothes budget is more like £100 a month not £200.

I'd agree. Our earnings now are more than we could have dreamed of but the upkeep on our old house is enormous compared to zero on our first rented flat. I also think when you're comfortably off you feel pressure to give your kids every opportunity, and to save it all away is mean spirited. We were always v frugal before kids but I think it would be mean to live that way now. Plus I'd be heartbroken to have a tonne of savings when they've left home but we didn't take them on nice hols, give piano lessons etc, they're only little for such a short time I want to spend money on an enjoyable family life as we're lucky enough to have the option.

That said I would consider local school with the cousins though when they have space

Also also it must be stressful having a Dh that is a really high earner but not good with money. A lot of responsibility for you.
If you've been on mumsnet for more than 5 seconds you'll know you need to protect yourself financially should you ever split up (not saying it's likely obviously)

@terribleg

but I only really see £1k as true "savings" as the rest is earmarked to be spent in the near future.

You just need to adjust your mindset here, it's all savings c

Agree with this.

All money set aside for future car purchases, holidays, ideas, pensions, Christmas and birthday and house renovations is savings.

Once you've paid the mortgage and bills and school fees anything is spare income.

If you look at it this way you'll see you do have plenty to get by even if something went wrong for a while or you don't get bonus again next year or whatever.

I think you just have to accept sometimes it may be car or holiday (or at least drop a holiday). I know it feels major to you right now because your finances have changed and it sounds like you budget to the last penny - but it really isn't something you have to worry about financially in terms of if you have enough.

Maybe look at it another way - if you didn't have 28k a year school fees and did get 25k bonus what would you have done with it?

What a load of utter tripe!

I honestly think you are all over the place here. You mention a £50 pair of trainers and in the next breath saying you take home £9k a month.

This is a huge amount of money to be earning. Enjoy ( and take some lessons in managing money...)

Sorry but I think you are right to be worried. You were secure before, now you're not. What if your DH loses his job? I'd send the children to state schools.

Sorry but I think you are right to be worried. You were secure before, now you're not.

How are they not secure exactly?

I do get it OP. You've made a choice to go from a position of being extremely financially comfortable, very little financial risk and lots of buffer, to committing to spend most of that buffer on housing and school fees. We've recently made a similar decision with similar numbers (though 3 kids). I also grew up with no money and the thought of intentionally making money tight when there is no need made me think really hard about the decision on private school.

In the end, it's about what that buffer was being saved for, and what you would spend it on if not schooling and house/quality of life. We got to to the point that the best thing we could spend our money on was education and our house. You have plenty of income to have options even if the bonus never returns, but probably need to be clear what your priorities are if that happens (school, house, holidays?). If you are more conscious of your spends and wasted money you'll be able to build the buffer back up again.

@allycat4

Sorry but I think you are right to be worried. You were secure before, now you're not. What if your DH loses his job? I'd send the children to state schools.

Do you think people who send children to private schools all have private incomes?

@allycat4

Sorry but I think you are right to be worried. You were secure before, now you're not. What if your DH loses his job? I'd send the children to state schools.

Well if DH loses his job they can look at state schools and look at downsizing the house and cut back in 6k a year on holidays.

Everyone who has an income risks the same what ever their income and whatever their outgoings.

It's a fact of life.

But right now the OP has more than enough to meet her basic outgoings with plenty of luxuries included.

Even clothing and social life allowance is pretty generous and unlikely to be required every month.

It's precarious and I don't like it

It’s definitely not precarious. You’ll be fine OP. Like others have said, separate what’s really essential and as long as those are covered (I’m sure they are), you’ll be okay.

Agree with PP. I thought I had a first world problem in that my £2k savings have now turned into £1k due to Covid. That wouldn’t even cover a rent deposit if I were to be thrown out tomorrow. But I still felt guilty about feeling worried about it because there are so many people who don’t even have £1k in savings.

Your first world problem is something else. My employer has paid me a grand total of £450 since March 2020. Not a bonus, that has been my full income this year. I’m still surviving, thank goodness. I believe you’ll be fine too on your £9k a month.

We are on the waiting list for the village state school- we have gone down the list, not up since we moved here as others join (down from Londoners too, I imagine). If we had planned things better I could have got my youngest in for a reception place but we didn't and so here we are.
It is a church school and I have even started attending services (albeit online at the moment) as a certain number of places are kept for church attendees.
However, my yr2 son is thriving at his current school and I would be a bit sad to move him.

DH doesn't spend much on himself but he doesn't engage with finances at all, he seems to think he earns enough that we should be able to have x,y and z. Then I hate telling him no when he has earned it.

All the savings are in my name, I put money in his ISA each month and his pension is done through his work. My pension is rubbish and I started topping it up when I went part time after having my eldest.

@Mn753 yes, I feel enormous pressure to give my DC a good life. My childhood wasn't great (an alcoholic father and a depressed mother), I did nothing outside of school, was never allowed friends round, my house was a mess, my clothes shabby (I have a thing about my DC's clothes - they have to be clean and ironed, no holes. They don't have to be expensive and I often get hand me downs from their cousins but I could not have let DS go to go ape with a hole in his trainer).
I did everything I could to improve myself - I went off to university (mainly to get away from home), got a good degree and have worked hard (DH similar but more stable background) - everything we have we have worked for. I don't know if that makes a difference? If you had been given a leg up or expected to be wealthy as a child then you wouldn't worry about falling on hard times?
There is no back up here.