Should my husband contribute more?

[scintilla87]

I'm getting frustrated with my husband's financial contribution to our family budget and I'm not sure if I'm being unfair or if my building resentment is warranted.

My husband is self employed and his business has been all but destroyed by covid, as well as some other market forces outside of his control which were in play prior to covid. He's currently paying himself about £750 per month (after tax). I'm heartbroken for him, he worked incredibly hard on it and it's devastatingto see it not doing well.

As a result of his low income, his monetary contribution to our family expenses is very small - We have two children under three. I earn more than double his usual income (he was paying himself £1500 a year or so ago) and as a result I pay more into the family pot and I'm responsible for all of our savings. I am the one who does the budgeting, the shopping lists, and am constantly looking at ways to save money. I buy clothes for the children and pay for unexpectedexpenses for all of us. We are fairly frugal and I am a firm believer that my money is family money, I'm more than happy to share and never quibble if my husband needs new clothes or a trip to the dentist.

In the last year my job was threatened by covid, in order to stay with the company I had to accept a pay cut of 1/3 of my usual salary. I then found out that I was pregnant. Realising that money was going to be exceptionally tight, I found a new role with another company and negotiated a salary which is almost double what I earned previously (wasn't hard as I was grossly underpaid the market rate). I funded maternity leave on my own as he wasn't able to contribute (I'm a consultant so not entitled to SMP) and recently returned to full time work three months after our child was born. Baby isn't yet sleeping through the night and ideally I would have liked to take much longer than that but we couldn't affordit. I'm also doing further qualifications in order to increase my earnings again in the future, so on top of my job and family commitments, I have to study for about 20 hours per week.

My husband is a wonderful father, very hands on and 100% pulls his weight around the house. Outside of this issue we have a near perfect relationship and I love him dearly. The problem is that he's only working on his business for an hour or two max per day. He does look after the baby during the day while I work (we both work from home), however he still has a great deal more free time than I do (baby is an epic daytime sleeper, has long naps and is usually asleep from 6pm until I do a dream feed at 11pm and then I also do the nightfeed(s)). I feel like he should be using some of that timeto try and bring in more money either through his current business or from another source. I suggested he could do some part time customer service work as it wouldn't be too demanding, this suggestion went down like a lead balloon. He's now talking about hiring someone to do his marketing for £500 per month which he says is a good investment as it will generate more sales for his business. I'm not keen on this at all, I think he should be doing the marketing himself as he has the time to take it on and hiringsomeone is a luxury right now. He says he doesn't enjoy themarketing side and would rather hire someone who is good at it. I see it as him throwing £500 per month away when we could very much be doing with that cash ourselves.

I probably wouldn't mind at all if he was working, but he's not. He spends a lot of the day looking at various things on the internet which feels a tad insulting considering how hard I am working at keeping a roof over our heads. I'm struggling to see how he thinks it's okay for him to be earning less than minimum wage when he has two children to help pay for.If I was a high earner it would be fine, he could be a SAHD or run a hobby business if he wanted to, but I'm not so there's a lot of pressure on me to keep slogging away away at full tilt.

Am I unreasonable to expect him to contribute more or should I just keep schtum and count myself lucky that he's great in every other way?

He is effectively a sahd. Thats pretty common these days so I dont see the problem

@anniegun

He is effectively a sahd. Thats pretty common these days so I dont see the problem

If they can afford it which it sounds like they can't.

@anniegun

He is effectively a sahd. Thats pretty common these days so I dont see the problem

But she's not a high earner.

@anniegun

He is effectively a sahd. Thats pretty common these days so I dont see the problem

Is he doing the vast majority of the nights, all daytime childcare during the week and the vast majority of the housework?

What childcare do you have - you may have an epic daytime sleeper now but what happens when you dont.

I think that actually you both need to sit down and be realistic about how you cope going forward - financially and looking after the children.

I think looking at it you are I think being too optimistic to expect a new job to be able to fit in with time and childcare demands, he is being unreasonable thinking he can farm the marketing out - you dont have the money and he has the time to do so.

So I think he needs to keep his business going and do all of it. I think you need to pool all your money together at the moment and figure out how much free spending money you have and joint savings (its unclear if you are doing this at the moment)

And figure out how it is going to work with childcare etc going forward

Posted too soon. Does the baby go to nursery? If so, can you cut that expense and he does become a SAHD properly? If you are paying for nursery while he faffs about working 2 hours a day than that's not on.

He either needs to piss or get off the pot, and I agree paying someone £500 a month to do the marketing because he doesn't fancy it is not a good use of money.

Also - a SAHP doesn’t need to spend £500 on their “hobby business”.

I fail to see any reason why he can't be putting more effort into his business during the day. For that reason he's taking the piss.

Are you bf? If not, why are you doing night feeds?

His business surely can't afford £500 a month if he's only paid £750. However there's not much time for him to do much work if he's caring for a small baby.

Think you need to sit down & look at budgets. He should be able to this logically

@anniegun

He is effectively a sahd. Thats pretty common these days so I dont see the problem

Who does no overnight baby care? I’d love to know how many women who are SAHPs of 3 month olds get their husbands to do all the night feeds while working more than ft and studying 20 hours a week.

Don’t be daft.

OP, you’re right. No to wasting cash on marketing just because he doesn’t fancy doing it himself. No to the status quo. He needs to get extra paid work whenever and however he can. Tomorrow. He’s taking the piss and watching you working yourself into the ground while he tits around with a hobby business and spends time surfing the web.

Continuing as you are presumably goes down like a lead balloon with you? So read him the riot act and tell him to sort himself out immediately.

Thanks everyone, you're all quick off the mark today :)

@anniegun - I'd have no problem with him being a SAHD if that's what we agreed or if we could afford for him not to work. Sadly that's not the case here, we do need him to be earning more money.

@Mumoftwoinprimary - I do the night wakings as I can cope on less sleep better than he can. He does do the majority of the daytime childcare which enables me to work full time although there's a lot of juggling at my end. I start work super early so that I can finish earlier in the afternoon. He takes the eldest to nursery (10 mins walk away) and picks them up four hours later, they nap for a couple of hours and by that time I have finished work we all spend a few hours together and then the bedtime routine starts. Both children are usually in bed circa 7pm. I do more cooking than him, although housework is 50/50. I can't fault his family contributions, it's just the money side I'm struggling with.

He's now talking about hiring someone to do his marketing for £500 per month which he says is a good investment as it will generate more sales for his business. I'm not keen on this at all, I think he should be doing the marketing himself as he has the time to take it on and hiringsomeone is a luxury right now. He says he doesn't enjoy themarketing side and would rather hire someone who is good at it. I see it as him throwing £500 per month away when we could very much be doing with that cash ourselves

I completely agree with you-his idea here is just insane.

Is he looking after the baby all day whisky you work, ie SAHD? Or do you have other childcare?

It's hard to tell without a picture of the finances. Is the £500 a month going to come out of the £750 he currently pays himself? Will that leave the family short of money? What ages are your other children? Who looks after them?

Do you own your house? Is it your forever home, if so? Have you both got pensions?

It feels to me like you aren't on the same page financially.

@Quartz2208 - Eldest goes to nursery for four hours per day and the baby will do so too once they turn one. No other help outside of this as we've moved away from our nearest and dearest. You may have a point about me expecting him to fit more work in during the day and that's why I'm posting here as I'm not sure if it's fair of me to ask him to juggle as much as I do. Like I say, he does have considerably more free time than me so I'm thinking he should!

@NoGoodPunsLeft - Nursery is heavily subsidised where we live abroad. Thankfully so, this situation wouldn't be at all tenable if we were still in the UK. All money is currently pooled, with the exception of about £100 which he uses to pay off an old credit card.

So you work full time (45 hours per week?), study (20 hours per week), night feeds (15 hours per week?) So 80 hours per week plus half the evening and weekend childcare plus half the housework?

He does the nursery run (2 hours per week), works (8 hours per week) looks after the kids during the day when not napping (20 hours per week?) So 30 hours per week plus half the evening and weekend childcare plus half the housework.

I think I’d like to be married to you.....

Can he get a part time evening job temporarily until his business starts to pick up? Either way, he needs to work more and you need more money coming in. You've done and are doing everything you can so it's his turn to help out.

I'm sorry you didn't get a proper maternity leave, you deserve that time with your baby, especially when you've worked so hard.

I wouldn't be happy financially supporting another adult, not to the extent that you are.

I think getting another job to be fair is probably unrealistic and perhaps the wrong starting point - but passing over some of your load to him (budgeting etc) and getting him to focus on getting his business up and running isnt.

I think you need a good chat about stuff

Why are you doing half the housework and most the cooking when you're spending so much more time working than he is? Plus studying so you can bring home more money in future, doing all the night feeds, etc. You're contributing to the family in all ways way more than he is. Perhaps you can't but from what you've said I absolutely can fault him for his family contributions, they are lacking in comparison to yours.

To answer your actual question though: no, you are not being unreasonable to expect him to put effort into bringing more money into the family. I find it a bit sad that he's so willing to let you shoulder all of this? In his situation I'd be doing anything I could to support my family more.

@Apileofballyhoo - Thankfully that £500 is not coming out of his contribution to the family budget, I'd be having swift words if that was the case! It's coming out of the business as it should.

We're currently renting with not great pensions, I intend to start paying heavily into mine in a few years, husband is sort of avoiding thinking about that just now which is another contentious issue. We're in a unique position where our living expenses are a tad lower than if we were in the UK so the plan was for us to hammer funds into savings while we are abroad so that we would have enough of a deposit to get a mortgage we return. Although now it's just me doing all the saving! Not ideal really.

@Gettingthereslowly2020 - That's sort of the crux of the issue, I'm doing absolutely everything I can possibly can to either earn more now or in the future and it feels like he's not willing to put in an equal amount of effort.

A chat does seem to be in order as I'm carrying too much resentment about the situation.

Do you think some leeway should be considering given that covid is a contributing factor to his business not doing well? Or should he be pulling his weight regardless and looking for other work?

I didnt read the family contributions - I think that needs to change as well at the moment to him doing more.

Are you bringing in about 5k a month now? You said you were earning double than him & then got a new job double that. He's bringing in £750, so how much total do you need a month to make it more comfortable? If it's a couple of hundred can he get this from his business or if you need more is another job for him more viable?

Do you think some leeway should be considering given that covid is a contributing factor to his business not doing well? Or should he be pulling his weight regardless and looking for other work?

Pulling his weight regardless, the same way everyone else has had to throughout Covid! Your family needs the money.

@IJustWantSomeBees - Thanks for you comment. That's exactly how I feel but am reluctant to be too gungho as covid was of course unexpected, maybe his business would be flourishing had we not been hit by a pandemic? Who knows! But I do know that I wouldn't be happy to see my partner in crime run rugged while I had hours of free time.

Do you think some leeway should be considering given that covid is a contributing factor to his business not doing well? Or should he be pulling his weight regardless and looking for other work?

I think some leeway is ok & it is devastating to give up on something hit by factors outside of your control however he needs to recognise the strain on you & look for other work imo.

@scintilla87 I absolutely sympathise with the fact that his business means a lot to him and it is horrible for self-employed people to see their business failing or reducing, especially due to things that are out of our hands like Covid. But isn't this always the risk when you're self-employed? It can't be a nice time for him of course but that isn't an excuse for him to let you work yourself to the bone while he sits by and watches. You're not asking him to give up his business either, you're just asking him to get a part-time job so that he's working more hours. OP you're completely justified to feel the way that you do and for what it's worth you sound like a super-mum for all the hours your pulling!