I’m trying to get my head around what to do in this situation that’s arisen regarding my child’s maintenance payments. I have received a message this week off him asking me if I really needed the 90 quid a month he currently offers me.
A bit of background, I left when DD was 18 months. We had been cohabiting for 4 years in a house that he bought with his parents money under his name.
Due to threats and a bit of bullying over him and his family towards me (and also due to my own morals and understanding on what is right) I didn’t take anything from the house apart from my washing machine Which my dad gifted me and my cat or even try to claim anything when I left.
I was trying to keep my part time job, whilst hotel hopping for a few weeks with money my dad loaned to me and having my child. When I finally found a home, I had no furniture for the first few months. I had nothing, and had to build my life up from scratch. My dad loaned me his car seats to sit on in the living room and I had these for a few months before I bought a couch - I made a game out of it for me and my child who thought it was fun at the time, as not it to make her so distressed.
He had our child two nights a week initially but threatened me not to go to the CMS because he had ‘done his research’ and was ‘giving me far more’. He offered me 30 a week. This was back in 2013.
I struggled bad with debts and sometimes feeling myself whilst I tried to build my life back up. A year later I got in to the position where they offered free nursery hours, I took this an opportunity to get a full time job, and look in to getting My first car to do so.
However, I got faced with threats again from him and his family, when I told him that he would need to put half towards nursery costs. They called me selfish and greedy. I got a lot of abuse from him (half the reason I left him was because he was very threatening and had anger issues) but I didn’t buckle. He has been able to go to work full time because I had been home looking after our child half the week! He finally settled to upping his maintenance to 150 per month, so 30 more.
Free Nursery hours unfortunately in the summer were exempt, this cost 900 per month at the time for 7 weeks. Tax credits at the time did not Even cover half of this and I had only just started my full time job so I had very little means to make this stretch.
When my child started school this went down to 120 again.
Then he started his own family and the month his child was born this went down to 90 so this is where we currently stand.
He has never sacrificed any work time over our child. I have taken every doctors, dentist appointment and sick day. I have manipulated my hours to work around school. He himself has paid for breakfast club for his days only. His mum buys the school uniform which I am terrible grateful for.
Last year due to Covid and homeschooling I asked him to try and sort something with work so he could be home to look after our child on an equal basis, as it was not fair on me Only having to have days off work to Keep her. He rejected this and said it was not possible oldie to his management position so it fell on me to juggle both. Now in the lockdown it’s the same - I am having to juggle three days to both work and homeschool and catch up the last two days of the week. On Thursdays his parents have my child. On fridays he finishes early so he home schools her then for the afternoon. Still, his work is not impacted. I have had to shell out 130 for a printer and ink This month even though I was struggling with finances over Christmas (my partner is self employed with a company and his workplace closes for Christmas for three weeks - no work, no pay so the household bills have all come down to me) her work was impossible to juggle without one.
Currently I changed the days he has our child to suit him because he’s at work. I have 8/14 nights and he has 6/14.
The text was unexpected and at a really bad time to receive. He asked me since he buys clothes and other stuff and we basically have our child half each do I really need that 90 quid?
I am aware he has been seriously underpaying all these years but my priority is keeping the peace between families. I Did not go to CMS initially because he had been very good with her parenting and he does provide for her when our child is at his, and it’s not worth the fall out and his anger issues have caused me mental health problems in the past. But I worry I’m being a pushover Now. And I feel cheated because of all the struggle and time and sacrifice I have put into raising our child over the past 9 years. He has not gone without, he’s kept his job and climbed up, he’s on his second house and he’s been able to freely do this where I have not. That 90 is a lot to me. Can I have your honest opinions on whether I should allow this to happen? I am only just recovering from getting a handle on my debts and building my credit rating, and saving for a home for security for us.