Not able to talk money

[Timizv]

Hi.

There have been a few times mumsnet has been a lifesaver( I am hugely grateful) so here I am again asking for help...

I have been with my partner for almost 10years and we have two kids together. I love him very much but lack of communication affects our relationship in a very profound way.

When we met I was in a low income job(trainer in a gym) and he, very well off.

In the first years of our relationship, before children I lived within the money I made, not easy given the discrepancy between us.

After children, I decided to quit work look after children and try to change careers by doing an MA in Art History(which my partner funded). During my last maternity( three years ago), I found myself with no money left and somehow i plucked the courage to tell him( it took me months...) and he transfered money instantly into my account.

Asking for money is so incredibly demeaning and humiliating I always think it’s the last time.

The last year or so I have been looking for jobs right and left to prevent this from happening. The rejections have been devastating. I am already 41. The change from gym to museum/gallery is impossible for employers to even consider, despite having an MA from a top university. Age has not been on my side either. I am volunteering with museums but Covid has made it difficult.

Anyway I have been in a situation without money for about three months. I have been trying to bring it up but somehow I cannot bring myself to say it. I feel embarrassed and not worthy. The thought of asking for money is akin to death. I avoid going to the supermarket, etc because I cannot admit lack of money. I have been living off an overdraft which is about to finish. I cannot open my mouth to say it, I have become withdrawn and easily irritable.

We live in a big house with children attending private schools. My partner is donating huge sums to charity and here I am going insane trying to get some dignity back. Help!

@Timizv
Bless you
Even if it's not what you really want to do how about getting a little part time job just doing something for a bit extra? Even something temporary in a supermarket over Christmas.

I know it's not what you had in mind but at least it would be something, extra money and adult company etc....

This is absolutely ridiculous. He's giving big sums to charity and your children have a private education.

Where does he think you are getting money from if he's not giving it to you?

You clearly need to do some work and earn money but in the meantime you're unnecessarily maxing out an overdraft.

Tell him!

How does he not know you haven’t got any money? Where does he think your money is coming from if you have no income?

WTAF???? 10 years together, two children, and your finances are so separate that you are in debt while your "partner" donates huge sums to charity and spends thousands on school fees?

Have you hidden your lack of money from him? or is he too stupid to work out that if you have no income you probably dont have any money.

And you know he will share if you just ask.

Your horror at sharing this with him is not normal. Is there some kind of history here?

JUST TELL HIM, and tell him what you need. He loves you and wants you to be secure and happy.

Your relationship sounds so bizarre

Can I recommend you read the book open up by Alex holder. It talks about opening up and talking about money and did me and my partner a world of good...

Surely if he just transferred you the money before where does he think you've been getting it from ? Talk to him

You need to get a job, any job that suits.
Then you need a chat about marriage to give you rights and financial security.
Do you own your house, is your name on the deeds ?
What about a joint account so you don’t have to ask for money ?

What the fuck does he think you are living off?

Is he well off because he has a private income so the need to actually work for a living is off his radar?

The fairest way would be for you to have access to a joint account so you can buy things you need out of that.

It doesn't sound like you particularly need to budget, so unless your in the habit of buying yourself a Ferrari each month, there isn't even any reason to restrict the amount you spend. Just spend what you need/want to, within reason.

If you've been together 10 years and have 2 DC, presumably they're quite young, so you contribute to the relationship by looking after the children and running the household?

Why don't you have free access to a joint bank account?

Bit late in the day to be having the conversation but you need to explain how much it would cost to look after the D.C. if you weren’t around

Sort out a financial system that is fair to you with a pension included

A nanny could be earning £20k plus

He’s saving himself a packet and your worried about pulling him up on it...

This is a very unequal relationship. Just tell him you need to set up a joint account with say 50% of both of your wages transferring in each month. You must tell him about your overdraft.

You are in such a precarious position and he knows it. He isn't just playing naive. He holds the money and all the cards of the relationship over you. He may be the loveliest bloke on the surface, but he is financially abusing you.

@OneRingToRuleThemAll

You are in such a precarious position and he knows it. He isn't just playing naive. He holds the money and all the cards of the relationship over you. He may be the loveliest bloke on the surface, but he is financially abusing you.

Wow, there are some insane attempts at turning a thread into an LTB one, but this attempt has to be up there. OP, as others have said, talk to him, from everything you have said, he sounds like a very supportive husband. As for the Art history degree, that may be more a hobby than anything else. You have a perfectly rational desire to be independent, take a job, any job to get back in the market. That gives you something on your CV at least and peace of mind to explore next opportunities.

You need to get married, its quite frankly the only protection and security someone who has allowed themselves to get in your position can achieve. And with regards to your dignity, I think you lost that when you decided to donate your best working years to a man who let you live in overdraft while he donates large sums to charity. A decade of unpaid unacknowledged labour, the mind boggles.

You have sex and have given birth twice and still can't discuss money....

2 schoolage kids must mean time to get sone sort of a job. But a conversation definitely needs to be had about finances,I'm assuming this is just money for personal sounds?

Just saw all your messages...I am grateful and overwhelmed by the thought that people I don’t know have taken time to reply...THANK YOU!!!

Yes, you are right! I think this messed up situation goes back to childhood. Mum was financially exploited by dad, had to explain a extra bunch of parsley unaccounted for...She then decided not to share money and in the end became independent and the main breadwinner. She singlehandedly raised us and paid for everything me and my sister needed and supported dad as well! Money was never mentioned but somehow as if by magic she always made sure we as children always had pocket money, money for books, etc. So I never in my whole life had to ask for money, it was completely taboo.

As I said, I have been trying to open my mouth for about three months. Every time I try I feel my mouth clenches up and I paralize...I am talking several times a day...

I would like to think my partner is just oblivious...I do not know...
I find the situation I am in shameful, and frankly I am just disappointed in myself and it turned into some weird self harm...

Anyway as I still have not uttered a word I am in the process of writing him an email.

There are many details I have not mentioned. My partner retired early, in his forties so he is also home. He does his fair share of helping with the children, at home, etc.

Anyway as I still have not uttered a word I am in the process of writing him an email.

And yes, the only way out is by earning my own money!!!

Thank you again!

Did you send him the email? How did he respond? You really have to work on communicating with him about money, you could even set up weekly goals, talk about a small thing and then increase on that.

You have a communication problem, not a money problem. This is your priority, not getting a job, although that might help with confidence - your performance may or may not be affected by these same anxiety problems too.

I used to be like that. your descriptions of trying to open up again and again bring back a bit of pain for me and also caused a lot of problems in my relationships. It will be very difficult for your husband to plan ahead with money and budget it if you are only coming to him sporadically with requests, rather than trying to get some kind of agreement. It's also very insulting and probably quite difficult for someone else to navigate an avoidant character. He might not want to instigate a conversation if he sees that you are already dancing around it , perhaps interpreting your nerves as haste or anger.

Perhaps if you reframe the speaking up as something that is beneficial and helps him rather than yourself then that can be easier. For some reason I find it a lot harder to do things that benefit me rather than someone else.

Who does the shopping? Where does the money come from?

OP, have you considered counselling or a marriage course? You urgently need to address your mental block about talking about money.