Am I doing it wrong

[Sciencebabe]

Im a convoluted writer, so please bear with me. Background info: DH and I (both 33)been together 8yrs, married 6. He's had a great military career/income since age 17, though he had no savings before we met as he did the usual army thing of spending all his money on drink/cars/women. I worked out he went through about £200k+ living like a batchelor in the 10yrs before we met. I've always worked every hour of the day but in low paying jobs, my sister used to financially abuse me, so never felt the benefit of money. My parents stopped supporting me at 14, instead of focusing on education I had to worry about finding a job to buy myself and sister/her children clothes and essentials and spent my late 20's catching up on education for a career. Me and DH have two children (5/2) and currently (accidentally) have a third on the way. We have always had a car, 1-2 holidays a year, a mortgage to pay. We had about £15k joint debt which is paid off when we sold his flat (10 him, 5 me), always had nursery fees so I could work as well. With some money from the flat sale, I managed to save and double the deposit for a house in the 9 months he was deployed last year. We have just bought our first joint home. Mortgage is our only debt now. After 8 months as an unpaid SAHM I've just got a new job I am yet to start.

I feel successful when I look back on my own life, financially, however I look back on my marriage financially and can't help but feel so guilty of spending my husband's money. Even when my pay matched his, we had large outgoings as we were getting rid of debt/paying for nursery or saving for a house and he would always point the finger at me and say it was through fun spending. I buy us everything. He does no shopping for the family or home. If I stopped to give him a taste of what it is like to have to look after everyone shopping wise, we would just go without so that's not a possibility with two children needing clothes and food. He's not horrible, just doesn't live here/in the real world because he's posted away with the army. Because I haven't been working, we have been living on the line but not in trouble with money. We have used all our overdraft this month due to: his travel back to work, school uniforms, emergency house repairs. Though I know it is short term, I feel like he sees me as a financial drain because he can't spend like he used to and I know he wants that spending freedom again. I'm worried I have been financially abusing him without realising it. In my head, I'm doing a good job with what we have, and keeping us in a comfortable lifestyle that he wants when he's home. In his head, he wants us to already have a few grand savings in the bank again and have money like two working non-parents do, even though our house purchase was only in April. I did used to have a spending problem before we met (panic attack-spend to make it feel better-panic attack more because of spending) and I think that's really playing on my mind. I'm not like that now, I sale shop mid range shops (Next, TK maxx) but never buy full price, never spend in a panic attack style. I have a tiny amount of clothes, very capsule and low maintenance, but I look after them so he thinks they are new purchases ask the time when they are 1/2/3yrs old.

I don't know what I really want out of this but I needed to write it down. Am I a financial failure?

Of course you're not doing it wrong, that's ridiculous. This sounds like one of those posts where either you know you are right and are looking for validation, or you're in an abusive relationship and have lost all sense of normality.

If he wanted the single life and to be only be able to spend his money having fun, then he shouldn't have chosen to get married and have children should he? Who did he think was going to look after and provide for them?

And he must realise that with his job taking him away and possibly moving around too, it's going to be far more difficult for you to have a career and look after DC as you're going to be restricted in what you're able to do, eg you're not going to be able to work shifts or to travel overnight without serious family support or possibly a full time live in nanny which is likely to be unaffordable unless you have a very well paid job.

Or can military families access heavily subsidised childcare that allows the non military spouse the same freedom to commit to a career as the military spouse?

That sounds unlikely so you have to take on the lion's share of childcare, domestic work and buying of essentials because he can't do it.

And as for savings, his desire of having savings and a fun, high spending lifestyle isn't very realistic is it? Most service personnel don't get paid sufficiently for that to happen. If he really thinks like that, he's in cloud cuckoo land.

@barbaraofseville
Thank you. I feel like I'm doing right most of the time when he's away, but then I don't when he comes home because there's always something we don't have that he thinks we should have. Upgraded the car - hes upset that we don't have two cars. Bought a house - hes upset that we need to buy furniture. Had a baby - he's upset that we haven't had a holiday. Honestly, it's laughable. He's ok 37k and I'm just starting a new job on 18k so I'd say we're middle earners? I value everything we have and seriously count each purchase as a life win ticked off (bed, sofa, dining table) but he regularly says 'I earn ... And what have I got to show for it, nothing'. I don't know how to un-blind him and make him appreciate what we have and what we are building. He can be quite chauvinistic which his brother and dad are terrible at as well, but since the kids were born he has sort of grown out of it in every area except money. Most of the time I feel like he was raised to expect a trophy wife who does everything at home and has a £60k yearly allowance from her family. I mean, I can't explain it any other way. I'm hoping earning again will make me feel more valued, I'm so happy with my salary amount, but he keeps commenting about this being a foot on the ladder and me eventually working my way up to 40/60k ...it's like...just be fucking happy with your lot for once! 😔

your DH doesn't sound like a very nice person.

Having said that, you shouldn;t be living in your overdraft either with those wages coming in.

Unless your mortgage is very high. What sort of house repairs needed doing?

Maybe you need to work out a budget with your husband and then he can see where 'his' money is going.

I think he doesnt have a realistic idea of how much things cost. And I think you maybe need to sit down together and work out a budget. The childcare cost should go down a bit soon. Can you get better deals on energy and insurance? If you go on the money pages there is a lot of advice from other mners about apps etc.

Fyi I think for someone who was financially abused youve done amazingly well. You own a house! And your pay will increase so hes not wrong about that. But I see your point about him always wanting more.

OP I think most of his 'want things you don't have' mentality Is from his military colleagues/culture. Obviously not everyone in the military is like it, but my DH certainly is! He left nearly 4 years ago now and is improving as he gets more accustomed to what 'normal' families live like, but for years whilst in and shortly after leaving he had constant disappointment/fury over what we did/don't have and why couldn't we afford it - and often spent well above our income, resulting in some debts.
The problem is as you said in your OP - as youngsters they have a good income with minimal outgoings. So they spend. You also have a lot of lads (and women of course, but mostly blokes) together talking cars and ever expensive boys toys etc. Around here you can always tell who is military when they pull up in their car because it's always a lot more expensive than you'd expect for their age. The problem is try don't really get a dose of reality.

I constantly felt like a drain on my DH, like he regretted settling down with me and being encumbered with the hum drum of family life. Leaving the forces has helped in some ways, but it's been hard in others. I think when he's home you need to sit down and have a big chat about finances, expectations from your finances and show him some spreadsheets (if you don't have one, make one). Then he can see in black and white what money goes where and how it stretches. At the moment all he sees is debt and an empty bank balance whilst his mate at work pulls up in a brand new BMW.

He’s being unfair and clueless about how much things cost and obviously making you feel like it’s your fault. But because of what’s happened before you’re particularly sensitive to it. Having kids is bloody expensive.
I agree you need to sit down together and find of way of recording each and every cost which also highlights personal spending for each of you as separate categories so it’s clear you’re not wasting money. And if he complains how much uniform is for example, ask him to suggest cheaper alternatives, take him at face value.