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Original poster

Help! How can I help my DM to get out of being a guarantor on a loan?

105 replies

TealAndTurquoise · 19/08/2020 23:23

I've just found out that my aunt persuaded my DM to act as a guarantor on a loan several months ago. The loan is for £4,000 and repayments are £158 a month over 5 years so you end up paying back £9,500!

I've been furious ever since I found out. I'm angry with my mum for agreeing and angry with my aunt for asking in the first place. Even worse, she persuaded my mum to keep it a secret from me and my DSis. DM said she said no several times but my aunt kept on at her and wore her down by promising faithfully to keep up with the repayments.

Rather predictably, my aunt has now missed 2 payments. The loan company took July's payment out of DM's bank account and has tried to take August's but were unsuccessful as DM didn't have enough money in there. They're now really hassling her by phone and text message.

A bit of background - my aunt has always been terrible with money. She's always behind with bills, spends money she doesn't have on designer handbags and tat from QVC, goes on several holidays abroad a year and spends a lot on socialising. She works part time and sometimes earns extra doing overtime. She owes me several hundred pounds from years ago and I let it go as she's family and I didn't want to fall out with her but I vowed never to give her money again.

My DM is a retired widow and my parents worked hard and saved so she could have a comfortable retirement. She's certainly not loaded and lives very frugally. I can't remember the last time she bought something nice for herself or went on holiday. She is very kind and will help people when she can. She's extremely naive and always thinks the best of people. She's lent money to people before and was not paid back. It's well known in the family that DM is a soft touch and that if you ask enough you'll eventually get what you want from her.

I really feel like my aunt has massively taken advantage and it has taken all my willpower not to call her and give her a piece of my mind since I found out. What can I do to help my DM get out of being a guarantor? Has anyone ever been in the same situation?

OP posts:
Clymene · 20/08/2020 00:07

I would go and give your aunt absolute shit. Make her sell things. She's a horrible person and she needs to pay off her own debt

Lightsabre · 20/08/2020 00:08

Sadly, too late now but maybe you could look into power of attorney for finances if your mother agrees?

Original poster
TealAndTurquoise · 20/08/2020 00:09

DM isn't on limited means. She just lives frugally.

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtains · 20/08/2020 00:10

I'm going on your post, OP, where she didn't have £158 in her bank account.

Hepcat75 · 20/08/2020 00:12

Does she keep her current account quite modest, and have a lot in savings/other accounts, then?

Lindy2 · 20/08/2020 00:14

I'd be visiting the aunt and taking some of her designer handbags to ebay for the cost of the missed payments.

Original poster
TealAndTurquoise · 20/08/2020 00:15

@JamieLeeCurtains - she has a convoluted bank account set up where her current account is linked to a savings account and she has to move money from her savings to her current account to withdraw it. She tends to only keep enough enough in the current account for direct debits and food shopping so has to move money over if she wants to withdraw a larger amount.

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Original poster
TealAndTurquoise · 20/08/2020 00:16

@hepcat75 - yes, exactly.

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Original poster
TealAndTurquoise · 20/08/2020 00:26

@BananaPop2020 - I'm sorry you found yourself in a similar situation.

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BananaPop2020 · 20/08/2020 00:36

@TealAndTurquoise it frustrates me to this day so we just don’t talk about it anymore. She too lacks the ability to say ‘no’ and is consequently viewed as an easy mark. About 10 years ago she was working in a bar and handed over £100 to a customer who said could get her a cheap deal on new tyres. Surprise surprise he was never seen again and she got very snappy whenever it was mentioned.

Justajot · 20/08/2020 00:39

Does your aunt have stuff she could sell to pay back at least some of the loan? I'd give her a very hard time and try to work out ways of recouping the money for your mum.

SeaToSki · 20/08/2020 00:52

If your Mum is persuadable, persuade her to give you a power of attorney over her financial affairs. (Cant remember what the uk term is). Then just explain to her that if she wants to spend over and above her regular outgoings, she has to talk to you first, and anyone that is asking her to spend more than the usual amount has to talk to you. It takes the pressure off her... oh just talk it over with Teal, she helps me with all those decisions, she will get the money to you etc etc, and gives you the ability to sort the wheat (DM wants to go on a weeks fling to the Costa, from the chaff some chancer is trying to get DM to spend on a timeshare).

Original poster
TealAndTurquoise · 20/08/2020 00:55

@Justajot - I'm sure she does have stuff she can sell. Not sure how much she'd get for second hand designer handbags or Amanda Holden and Julian McDonald tat off QVC but it'd be better than nothing.

I'm going to talk to DM again about confronting my aunt and I've already told her I'll be looking into power of attorney as I just don't trust her judgement seeing as she keeps getting herself in these situations. If she refuses to cooperate with that then I'll tell her that I don't want her to complain to me anymore.

To everyone who's said DM is responsible as she agreed to be guarantor, I totally agree and she was stupid to do it. I guess I just wanted to vent a bit. As you can tell from the time of night, I'm not sleeping brilliantly at the moment!

OP posts:
Nikori · 20/08/2020 01:05

It's a sad situation. Flowers

I also think you should consider blowing the lid on this so everyone in your family knows about it. Keeping quiet only protects those who take advantage of others. Your poor mum has done nothing wrong and your cousins have a right to know what their mum did. I know it's hard for your mum as she's probably embarrassed, but pease reassure her that she has done nothing wrong. I think that exposing the truth so that everyone knows is the only way to stop something like this happening again.

Hepcat75 · 20/08/2020 01:06

I really do feel for you - if I sounded harsh, it wasn't my intention. People like your aunt who swan through life making ruinous financial decisions that they somehow never end up paying for, irritate the shit out of me. I think what you and other posters have said is quite right - tell mum she either takes steps to resolve this situation, or she never mentions it to you again. She can't recruit you to have a moan at, but not let you confront your aunt.

Original poster
TealAndTurquoise · 20/08/2020 01:09

@BananaPop2020 - that all sounds very familiar! She hides stuff from me and only tells me about it months later when it starts stressing her out and then has the gall to ask me not to go in all guns blazing and make it worse. It's infuriating.

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Original poster
TealAndTurquoise · 20/08/2020 01:13

@Hepcat75 - don't worry, you weren't harsh! I've always been very independent and paid my own way and I only buy what I can afford. I agree that it's extremely infuriating to see people swan through life at the expense of others. Thanks very much for your advice.

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Fairenuff · 20/08/2020 01:43

@Lindy2

I'd be visiting the aunt and taking some of her designer handbags to ebay for the cost of the missed payments.
That would be theft.

The aunt has done nothing wrong. She asked and the mother said yes.

It's the DM who is at fault here because she agreed to a debt which she is now unable to repay.

OP you cannot get power of attorney. On what grounds would you think you could. Your DM is an adult and if she wants to give her money away she can.

SueblueNZ · 20/08/2020 02:07

"The aunt has done nothing wrong." !!!???
Are we reading the same thread?
The aunt is behaving appallingly. OP, despite your mum's wishes, in your shoes I'd be having a very frank/angry talk with your aunt and demanding that she resumes the repayments, as well as reimburse your mother for the missed payments. I'd also let her know that you have told your cousins. She needs shaming.

Original poster
TealAndTurquoise · 20/08/2020 02:10

@Lindy2 - I haven't looked into power of attorney yet but was just wondering what I could do to make my DM less of an easy target. I mentioned it to DM in frustration without knowing at the time whether it was possible or not. I just want her to think carefully before she makes stupid decisions like this.

I agree, DM is at fault for agreeing in the first place.

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Original poster
TealAndTurquoise · 20/08/2020 02:13

Apologies, @Lindy2 - my last post was for @Fairenuff. I really should try and sleep but I'm blooming wide awake!

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Original poster
TealAndTurquoise · 20/08/2020 02:17

@SueblueNZ - believe me, I am itching to confront her! DM wants a chance to talk to her first herself but if she's not successful, I will be intervening and giving her what for.

OP posts:
Medievalist · 20/08/2020 02:28

You really do need to tackle your aunt. No waiting for dm to speak to her first - surely she did that when your aunt first defaulted?

You should be very clear with your aunt about the impact this is having on your dm. I'd also remind her that she still owes you money. If she can't suggest a plan to reimburse your dm, I'd be saying that in that case you'll need to talk to your cousins (her dcs?) to see if they can help.

Your dm would need to agree to you having power of attorney.

Original poster
TealAndTurquoise · 20/08/2020 02:46

@Medievalist - DM did speak to her when she defaulted and my aunt gave her all sorts of bollocks about it being an admin error and not to worry as she'd sort it. DM is holding out hope that this is still the case even though DSis and I have told her that our aunt is screwing her over and being a massive cunt to boot. She thinks I'm being harsh and wants to try to talk to her herself again first and I'm trying not to stress her out anymore than she already is.

OP posts:
pinkcattydude · 20/08/2020 03:04

It’s the worst kind of debt imho as you can’t even get out of it in death it just passes on to the next person.