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Original poster

Advice please

33 replies

frogman17 · 22/07/2020 22:05

Hi Everyone,

I am new here and need some advice please, and of course, it's about money :)

I am Dad to two boys, aged 4 and 2. My 4yr old starts school in September. They are both currently being looked after by MIL while myself and wife work (We pay her £500/m). MIL lives with us and I am totally fed up. I have told my wife that I am done with the arrangement so we are looking to get them in School and Nursery. How on earth can we cut down the cost of childcare? Both of them in Nursery is going to cost about £1600, £1000 for the younger and £600 for he older after applying the 30hrs voucher. Older one in school and younger one in daycare is going to cost about the same. We've never used any kind of benefit before. Wife earns approximately £22k, I earn £45k but due to terrible lifestyle choices, I am in a lot of debt. We can only afford £1k max on childcare, how on earth can I make this work? Thanks very much

OP posts:
Original poster
frogman17 · 23/07/2020 21:57

Hi SpideyMom,

Thanks very much for your concern

The whole thing bears no resemblance whatsoever to what I had hoped for in a marriage and I am terrified of what life would look like if I call it a day, especially with my current financial position, less control over kids, how that decision might affect their future, talk of the town, and you’ve got absolutely no idea what the next woman you pick up would turn out to be, it’s crazy isn’t it?

I know MIL is a big influence as wife rarely makes decision without consulting her even about one of the most private thing you can ever imagine. Wife agrees MIL has to go, she is well aware of all these issues I mentioned earlier including her weight and the last time we discussed it, she agreed with almost everything, cried and said she would make changes, of course that lasted for 2 weeks max as usual. She doesn’t appear to be as unhappy as I am. I’m sick to death. I have been asking myself if I can put up with this forever, marriage is supposed to last a lifetime, isn’t it? I have no answer to that yet as all the options are very scary.

Going back to weight issue, maybe I am the problem, am I supposed to just get over it? I have gone as far as literally begging her, told her not to worry about changing nappies, cooking or any domestic stuff if she could just focus on that. I am a very active person, I don’t frequent the gym but I do little things like playing football weekly and sometimes cycle to work. I don’t like the idea of not being able to eat anything you like because of some stupid diet but there’s got to be a balance. It’s okay to be on and off with weigh but not obesity as a result of bad diet and inactivity.

I am in a marriage where I pay the bulk of the bills, do more domestic work (wife will argue it’s 50/50), no sex or any physical attraction to wife and sleep on the sofa in the living room as a result of deteriorated relationship. It’s a two bedroom house by the way with MIL occupying one. You are left asking yourself what's left of the marriage apart of the kids.

The kids are going to School and Daycare regardless :) I just need to find the money

OP posts:
Snozzlemaid · 23/07/2020 22:03

If your oldest is starting school in September you won't get the 30 hours for them.

Original poster
frogman17 · 23/07/2020 22:09

Yes, he has been accepted into a school close by but we would still have to pay for after school hours because I don't finish until 5pm, wife finishes 6pm. Ok, I can switch to 7 - 3 but I don't even know if I still have a job, I have been on furlough in current job. I am not particularly worried about that as getting another won't be an issue, the question is - can I tweak the hours to suit. We were thinking of keeping the older in Nursery as well and start him in school when is he is 5. That way, they are both in the same Nursery

OP posts:
Mischance · 23/07/2020 22:23

Well, I married her because we had the discussion and she accepted and promised. It is not possible to marry someone on condition that they agree to change in some way - in this case her weight control - it is the worst possible start, and probably something that she cannot do anyway. She has been conditioned into her relationship with food by her upbringing - and she has had two babies!

Marry her because you love her just as she is - it is the only proper start. Things have started out completely on the wrong foot for you both; and all that you can do now is to protect the children as best you can.

Arburygirl · 24/07/2020 00:36

I’m desperate for advice. I am the beneficiary of some money from Florida from a godparent, part of it is cash and the rest will be from the sale of a an apartment worth $50,000 and no one seems to be able to tell me if I have to pay inheritance tax. The executor who is also the lawyer tells me that in Florida there is no inheritance tax. So am very confused as to whether I have to pay here? I’m a British citizen and tax resident.

Aquicknamechange2019 · 25/07/2020 16:13

@Arburygirl

I’m desperate for advice. I am the beneficiary of some money from Florida from a godparent, part of it is cash and the rest will be from the sale of a an apartment worth $50,000 and no one seems to be able to tell me if I have to pay inheritance tax. The executor who is also the lawyer tells me that in Florida there is no inheritance tax. So am very confused as to whether I have to pay here? I’m a British citizen and tax resident.
@Arburygirl

You should start your own thread and get proper advice. Here's a link that might help in the meantime: www.ofx.com/en-gb/personal/finances-abroad/moving-inheritance-abroad-guide/

Melonportal · 25/07/2020 16:33

Childcare is a priority bill. I would suggest working out how much good quality childcare will cost and then negotiating your debt repayments to make sure you can afford to pay it. Stepchange is a good place to start.

curlytops21 · 25/07/2020 22:44

@Arburygirl

I’m desperate for advice. I am the beneficiary of some money from Florida from a godparent, part of it is cash and the rest will be from the sale of a an apartment worth $50,000 and no one seems to be able to tell me if I have to pay inheritance tax. The executor who is also the lawyer tells me that in Florida there is no inheritance tax. So am very confused as to whether I have to pay here? I’m a British citizen and tax resident.
As previous poster has said, best start your own thread on this, but I can tell you that if you are resident and domiciled in the UK for tax purposes then you are liable to pay UK tax on your worldwide income. It's a long time since I've worked in this field, but I believe the tax liability arises when the income is remitted to the UK.
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