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Original poster

Gambling away his wages

25 replies

meh438 · 06/06/2020 17:05

So this morning i found out my partner has been gambling away a lot of money. He's lost £1400 in the past week.

He admitted to me he has a problem and wants to get help. He's told me he thinks he's probably lost about £5000 in the past few months

I just don't exactly know what to do now, that money may not seem a lot to people but it's a lot to me, I don't have much of an income so we rely on his wages to cover a fair bit of the bills etc...

Anyone have any advice please ?

OP posts:
LastRoloIsMine · 06/06/2020 17:17

He can contact gamcare for advice.

How is he gambling?
Is it on line slots or poker or bingo?

He can self exclude from all of the sites he is registered with but that does not stop him accessing new ones.

If he genuinely wants to stop then you could put parental control on his devices and your home internet with a password only you know. It would then stop him from accessing sites that are for 18 years plus.

Would he allow you control over his banking/cards?

My uncle was a gambler (bookies) his family lost everything including their home more than once.

Original poster
meh438 · 06/06/2020 17:22

Yep, it's all on like casino type games on his iPad, he's done the action he needs to get him self excluded from these games.

Today he's feeling sorry for himself what worries me more is that fact that I don't think he would have told me if I hadn't caught him out, worries me to think of the state he could have got himself into!

I said to him I'll support him and he said he really does want to stop, so I guess I just have to be there for him and help him through it, that's the best thing to do right?

OP posts:
Original poster
meh438 · 06/06/2020 17:23

Also I've demanded he pay his wages into my bank account every month and he's agreed

OP posts:
LastRoloIsMine · 06/06/2020 17:26

Yes supporting him is good.
However as with any addiction the addict will put the addiction before you.
You need to support him but you also need to take care of yourself.

He needs to contact gamcare.
If he seriously wants to stop then he will let you add parental controls and put other preventative measures in place.

Original poster
meh438 · 06/06/2020 17:28

Ok thank you for your advice .

I just hope he can get through this , makes things worse we have a baby on the way Sad really didn't need this stress right now!

OP posts:
Nihiloxica · 06/06/2020 17:31

You can't support him through this.

You need to protect yourself and your baby from his addiction. If you stay, it will ruin you.

C0RA · 06/06/2020 17:33

Has he canecleled all his credit cards ? Do you have any joint accounts ? If so, he needs to come off them all.

Check that all the bills have been paid and aren’t in arrears. Rent/ mortgage / CT / utilities / insurance / car payments . Don’t believe what he says, check yourself . Get passwords to any accounts and then change them .

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 06/06/2020 17:36

I had the same problem while I was pregnant. It was a horrendous time and made worse by the fact he didn't think he had a problem and still doesn't. After putting up with it for a couple of years, I had to insist wages either went into my bank account or I had access to his back at all times. Every now and then there is a lapse and he will borrow money to gamble, but nothing like it was before. We also have a lot more money now. Fortunately the house is solely in my name and I own all assets. He also has terrible credit, so couldn't possibly take out a loan, but there is no doubt in my mind if he could have, he would have. You need to be very careful OP. If I thought there was a chance dp could have risked our house or belongings I would have chucked him out. He only got chance after chance because he couldn't get into serious debt.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 06/06/2020 17:39

And yes, he did use credit cards to gamble a few times. Both of which were solely in my name, but I was too lax, or rather he was too good at finding them, and my bank card. I refuse to have a joint account with him.

Original poster
meh438 · 06/06/2020 17:40

He doesn't have any credit cards and any loans I know of thank god.

He's admitted he's got a serious problem and said for the past few weeks it's been making him sick. I said I will not be sticking around unless he's serious about changing.

We have no joint accounts either and the house is in my name luckily .

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 06/06/2020 17:42

"We have no joint accounts either and the house is in my name luckily ."

Keep it that way.
Do not marry him!
Think of yourself as a single person in terms of finances and any contribution from him as a bonus.
What's your plan for maternity leave, do you have savings to tide you over during that time? You might have to go back to work earlier than you would have liked.

Original poster
meh438 · 06/06/2020 17:44

Haha I don't want to get married anyway 😂

I have a bit in savings but not as much as I'd like so yep looks like I'll be going back to work a little earlier that I'd want to!

OP posts:
highmarkingsnowbile · 06/06/2020 17:46

What AnotherEmma said.

FreckledLeopard · 06/06/2020 17:53

Be extremely careful if you continue the relationship. My cousin had her house gambled away from her by her husband - unbeknownst to her he had re-mortgaged until the house was repossessed. He's still gambling over 20 years later and whilst they're not together anymore, she still nails him out and picks up the pieces.

tinkz92 · 06/06/2020 18:13

He can block himself online here: www.gamstop.co.uk/ and he won't be allowed to create any new accounts either, for a period of time of his choosing.
At least he has admitted his problem, and that's a good start to recovery and hopefully he will carry on being truthful :) and it's a good thing that he's agreed to put all his wages to you as it shows he doesn't want to carry on this way, and needs your support.

thepointoforder · 06/06/2020 18:19

Hi. If he is serious about it, he will need professional help and to surrender his finances to you.

My DSIS started off small with online bets now has a gambling addiction and has lost 100k+ in the last year. She has gone from an independent, successful homeowner, to unemployed and homeless in 18 months.
Not to mention it has absolutely destroyed the family.

purplecorkheart · 06/06/2020 20:33

I would suggest that you run a credit score check on yourself and him if you can. Just to be sure he has not taken any loans/credit cards in your name or his.

AnotherEmma · 06/06/2020 20:37

That's a good idea. You can sign up to MoneySavingExpert's Credit Club and get regular email updates on your credit score.

Isleepinahedgefund · 07/06/2020 13:15

I would also check your credit record and his. Gambling Addiction leads people to be dishonest in all sorts of ways - sad as it sounds, I wouldn’t take his word for it about anything. He’s only told you because he got found out - what else is he hiding?

Where has the money come from? Has it left the family finances short?

And do bear in mind that if he has no access to money, and he wants money to gamble with, he will find that money from somewhere whether it’s from clandestine loans, credit cards, borrowing from family/friends.

ToothFairyNemesis · 07/06/2020 13:27

How did you find out op did he come to you and tell you? Because that makes a difference. Even if he didn’t the fact that he was honest re the amounts and asked for support is he really positive.
I would draw a line under the past and be supportive unless he gives you reason not be.

MrDarcysMa · 11/06/2020 10:01

yeah I wouldn't say all is lost, he came clean, admitted a problem and asked for help.
Rather from banning him from having his own finances (addicts will just steal/ borrow if desperate) I would suggest full access so you can keep an eye.
The main thing is to keep talking about, reassuring him and take one day at a time. I would also keep your finances separate and be very careful if you marry as pps have advised.

lagua · 24/07/2020 07:56

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Whyareblokesonhere · 28/07/2020 10:54

You found out? He confessed and came to you or you discovered it?

I'm a gambling addict and have been for over 20 years, though I haven't gambled now for just over 3 years.

I'm otherwise sensible, have a 'professional' job and am good with figures. I cannot be trusted with money.

I'm happy to answer any question you might have but I would absolutely echo the advice to get credit reports for you both. Also do not try and solve this for him, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it.

I'm sorry this is happening to you

JohnArthur · 30/09/2020 15:48

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FinallyHere · 30/09/2020 15:51

the male ruling and employing classes consider women to be second class citizens

I'd encourage you to run a credit check on each of you both individually

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