45:55 shared custody - child maintenance

[moonpig345]

Hi, I'm in the process of getting divorced. DH and I have agreed a 45:55 shared custody of our daughter in my favour. I plan to continue working 4 days a week to look after our daughter one day as I have been doing up to now. For continuity mostly and before too long she'll be starting school and I'll lose this day with her.

CMS office is closed to new enquiries on the phone due to the coronavirus and solicitors are so expensive. My husband earns around 14k a year more than I do. His opinion is that he shouldn't have to pay anything extra towards our daughter regardless of the fact he earns more and I have a greater share of childcare responsibility. The CMS calculator online suggests he should pay something but given the fractionally different split of custody it does seem a lot. I'd like to agree this between ourselves if possible without going through the CMS but I'm just not sure where to start with negotiations or if I should be asking for any financial help at all. Help!

the reason you earn less is because the two of you corporately decided that it was in your daughter's best interests to not be in paid childcare 5 days a week. the financial burden of that decision should be shared equally between you, and that burden is not just the 20% less than full time salary for your current position but also the difference between your current fte salary grade and the grade you might have achieved by now had you stayed full time and focused on advancing your career if you had never had a child. the hit to your earnings potential is permanent and ongoing so it is fair to balance it with a modest contribution from him. the CMS calculator result isn't very generous - a decent parent contributes more than the CMS minimum.

my advice is to go with the cms figure and tell him you are quite prepared to go through cms to get it deducted from his wages at source if you have to, but as that will mean cms deducts an admin fee from what you receive it would be in his daughter's best interests for him to just pay the amount on the cms calculator without such intervention.

How much longer will you be having your daughter than her Dad? Surely the difference between 50/50 and 45/55 can't be that much? No maintenance is due if you are 50/50, seems harsh for him to have to pay much for those extra few hours, when he is already doing almost half the time.

In theory I have a 50/50 arrangement, but over the years this has varied week to week, month to month between 60/40, 55/45 etc, as things change with sports clubs, kids preferences, work responsibilities etc. It's never occurred to me to ask for or pay maintenance, it's just the ebb and flow of parenting over the years.

On the grounds that if you had her 100% of the time you would get full maintenance and 50% you would get no maintenance then I would say that at 55% of the time then 10% of the full maintenance would be fair.

I think CMS sets it at 55% of full maintenance which is a bit weird.

Will you get any benefits/ help towards childcare etc?

@Babyroobs We will be using the Gov tax free childcare scheme

@Teddytwoears our evenings will be split 50:50 but then I'll continue to work part time to take care of her one day in the week. I totally hear your point and this is DH argument. At the very least I would hope he might pay a bigger percentage of our childcare costs. My earning potential is down 20%. I wouldn't change that for the world as my daughter will he starting school before we know it but it does mean money will be tighter. I don't expect him to make up that shortfall I just feel it's fair he contribute something I guess

Slightly off point, but have you clearly set out contact responsibilities? I only ask because I see you only mention evenings. In reality she may need a lot of time off nursery because she is sick or to attend appointments that can't be made at other times, etc. so you would be avoiding a lot of issues later on if you clarified now very clearly the exact time of hand off.

For example, our hand-off is at 9am on Monday which is a time the DCs are normally at school, but if anything happens, e.g. illness, teachers strike, etc., that is the moment the other parent becomes responsible for childcare arrangements.

@YinuCeatleAyru thank you. Really interesting to get others take on this. My feeling is the same. We made the commitment together that I would work 4 days to take care of our daughter after all. This isn't a selfish move on my part to extract money out of him. My gut feeling is that he should contribute something.

What he has offered stands at about 1/4 of what the CMS calculator estimated. If I don't accept this or ask for more he is threatening to sell up and move which will make the custody split unworkable imo. Feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place

@Booboostwo that's a really good point. I'd not considered how this might work in practice. I'm very used to having that role given I previously did 90% of the pick ups and drop offs and work nearby so was always first point of contact if she became ill or there was a problem

@YinuCeatleAyru I lie sorry it's a 1/3. Not a 1/4. Too early for maths!

In my experience it is really important you clarify all this as your Ex may be assuming the status quo will continue and be really surprised he is responsible for childcare.

BUT....

CM isn't to compensate the mother for loss of earnings. It's not spousal support.

So while I absolutely agree that your earning potential has been limited by this set up, the actual amount of CM he will be asked to pay will never reflect the gap in your earnings.

@Shelley54 I absolutely agree nor do I expect him to make up up for the loss in earnings

What would the calculation that @mumoftwoyoungkids come out as? That seems fair. I can see that some contribution would seem right, so 1/3 of the CMS might be about right? Are you getting the child benefit? That would seem fair and go some way to offset the fewer hours you are working. I do know it's not a huge amount!!

It goes by overnights. So if you are having her the same nights then there is 0 to be paid to either of you.

I think as other people have said on here it's really important you clarify each others irresponsibilities. You are just on the line of a little something being contributed and nothing. However you both need to be on board with what is expected of each other.

I dont have this arrangement myself. My Ds dad is totally absent by his own choice. He refused to pay maintenance and it ended up being a deduction of earnings order, which is another battle. It barely gets paid and the CMS cant force them so basically it just builds up arrears that I doubt will ever be paid. So I'd try and remain on friendly terms as I dont find the CMS the most helpful and when they make calculation it really is the bare minimum. This can sometimes enable the paying parent to turn around and say they have paid what they have been told to, when it's never a true reflection of what a child needs.

I'd love to hear from people if it works successfully but I've never been sure how such an equal or in your case a near equal split works in reality. Raising a child is expensive. Do both parents buy clothes for their own houses or is the Mother expected to buy them and send them with the child? Is everything related to the child split so school uniform, new shoes, trips, new clothes etc. What happens when the child becomes ill, who makes/takes the child to doctors or dentist appointments and childrens parties. I'm probably not the best person to list the split of responsibilities but definitely clarify how they will be shared.
A friend enrolled her kids in swimming lessons and their dad agreed, however he refused to contribute and take them on his weekend so she was paying for lessons they weren't going to. She has a pretty even custody split when it comes to time shared between them but in reality she does pay the bulk of everything and never gets money for their clothes, uniforms, shoes etc.

So just make sure you set out each others responsibilities and who provides what.

SpideyMom I think it depends on the level of amicable co-operation between parents. We have the DC 50:50, swapping every week. As we get on well though we are each other's first call for childcare when there is a problem and on at least one after school day we take one child each to different activities in different directions. In terms of spending we have a shared budget for the children and if one of us goes shopping for clothes for example, we will ask the other one if they need DCs need clothes for their house as well. We also buy a common, big birthday/Christmas present, and decide on activities together. Doctors appointments, etc. are dealt with by whoever has the DCs that week. But I do accept that all this requires a high degree of co-operation which may not be possible for many people. If things seem to be more confrontational and difficult, it is worth trying to set out boundaries and responsibilities early on.

@Booboostwo yours is an example of how it's done right

@Booboostwo sorry pressed send too quick.

That's how it should be done. Your kids are very lucky x

If he is threatening to just up sticks and leave if he doesn't get what he wants then that doesn't sound a great basis for negotiating an amicable settlement
Are you pushing for a good divorce settlement? If not, I think you should, one that reflects your joint decision to have you part time rather than full time
The cms calculator gives a minimally acceptable amount that you can use as a starting point. Unless he is really going to be paying for half of everything (uniform, school dinners, trips etc) it is fairer to use it.
We did things differently. We both pay into a separate account that funds child related expenses, with deductions for a percentage of bills and food to represent parental usage. But we get on very well and there is enough trust for that to work.

We made the commitment together that I would work 4 days to take care of our daughter after all
Is he still happy with that though? Previous commitments don't really apply after seperation. Is he arguing that you have the option to go back 5 days and he will pay 1/2 the childcare?

In all honesty, if he suggested that you go back ft, he goes down to 4 days and you pay him so your DD can have one day with one parent would you be happy?

I think you should agree on him being things that can be shared in both house, new shoes, coats, activities etc...rather than him giving you extra money. This seems fairer.

Please bear in mind that the cms calculations are rock bottom minimum maintenance contributions.
So yes, probably in his scen2it seems a lot, but this is to give parity to the child for what she would have had as well within your combined home.
If he won't agree, tbh, I'd just make the new claim.
What he has offered stands at about 1/4 of what the CMS calculator estimated. If I don't accept this or ask for more he is threatening to sell up and move which will make the custody split unworkable imo. Feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place
If he opts to do this, then he will end up with a more typical every other weekend scenario. So that's very much his choice. And bear in mind That is BLACKMAIL and MANIPULATION purely for his financial benefit.

I am confused though, how many nights will she sleep at each home?