should I give money to my parents AGAIN or let them rot?

[Flocci]

Very long - please bear with me......

5 years ago my mum suddenly broke down and told me her and dad were having financial probs. Was total shock as I always thought they were very comfortable. Mum never worked so all down to dad. He was a bit sheepish and vague but said things on top of him and needed £15k to sort it all out. At that time me and dh both on good money and no kids said we would remortgage to help.

Starting giving him bits here and there and before we knew it I had handed over £30k but all seemed ok and everyone happy.

6 mths later i got a phone call from a family fund worried about dad and money. this friend said he had given dad £15k in the last 6 mths and could give no more but apparently dad in probs again.

I confronted dad who admitted it and all in said probs added up to £100 mortgage and £50k other debt. Things so bad he was about to have house repossessed. My brother gave him £10k to stop that.

I got a mortgage and bought m & d's house so they could stay there. This paid off their mortgage and all debt and in return m & d were going to cover the monthly mortgage repayment. All finally seemed ok and secure.

3mths later dad announces that actually there was still a BIT of debt he hadn't told me about ....... £40k....... so i remortgaged again and paid it off and he promised to cut up all cards and start afresh.

6 mths ago dad started being a bit late with monthly payments but insisted things were tight but ok. then it turned out he hadn't cut his cards up and now owed £6k. Later mum let slip that he had used her card too and now owed £7k on there. Final straw last week a different family friend called and said he had given dad £10k in last 12 mths and was worried.

My brother took over and had a word but didn't mention family friend. Dad only admitted to £5k debt on his cards and nothing else and said he could do with £3k desperately but not to tell me or mum. I went nuts and confronted him in front of mum and dad denied everything and said all was ok and has now told brother he doens't want any moeny and will never speak to him again for betraying him like that.

So waht do i do? TBH i am tempted to let him rot because he is just letting us all down time after time by spending and lying - he obviously has a problem - throughout all of this he won't actually say where the money os going, just that it has built up on little expenses here and there - but how can that be? he goes nowhere and does nothing but sit at home and watch TV. He can't drink or smoke due to health - that only leaves women and gambling. I can't believe that he is now in trouble again and that he is turning down money to save face in front of mum, and making my brother into a villain. Brother wants me to force the money on him to avert disaster - dad talked about going to a money lender. how can I get him to wake up and take responsibility?

Any thoughts?

It might very well be the spurr that he needs to start getting this sorted.

It must be a horrific position for you to deal with.

My feeling would be that once he accepted there was a problem, and went and got help, you could then have a real, helpful dialogue with him.

But until that happens you are just throwing the money away, and not helping him long term either.

But an awful situation for you to be in, and you have all my sympathy. I think that you have done more than could be expected of of you.

Jesus!! You have been so generous in the past. I really dont think you should bail him out again, it seems like he could be taking it for granted that you will always do this for him. It's just not on!

I would be very tempted to tell your father you are taking control of his money or you will sell the house. They cant keep running up debts like this and thinking it doesnt matter. They have some lovely friends and family, so are very lucky.
I would sit down and work out a plan of how to manage their money, take all cards, and tell them they can have set amount of cash a week. Sounds like your have to be the parent here. Are you sure he hasnt put any borrowing against the house??

Lisa

Sorry if I missed something but have you actually gone through their accounts with them? You deserve to see on paper exactly what money they owe and what they have been spending your money on.

What is his current debt?

No, if he won't even be honest about where the money is going, there is no hope of things improving

he's obviously got some type of severe addiction and any further money you give him will go the same way until he gets help for it, and beats it. Which he isn't even attempting to do. You might as well just give all the money to a stranger in the street IMO, or throw it away.

Your twins and their future needs to be your priority now. If your parents lose their home and have to rent -- so be it. There are far worse things that could happen.

Why does your brother think it's obligatory to keep giving them money? Just out of filial duty? Most offspring don't have so much money to give back to their parents -- I certainly don't!! I'd be deeply ashamed to ask my children to help me out to this extent, too.

Besides, you might need to save up money now to help them in their frail old age, the way they're going, they'll need it far more then.

I would say the one thing they need is emotional support, not financial. Perhaps try to move your support in that direction. There is something wrong here and I agree that giving them money would be futile, but letting them rot is the last thing they need!

How is your mother about it all?

If they're denying they're in financial trouble I'd be tempted to call their bluff by drawing up a repayment plan for your father to sign.

I'd present it with the spin that your father will want to be retiring in a few years and obviously won't feel able to with the tens of thousands he owes you and our brother, so you're doing this for his long-term peace of mind. Draw up a list of everything you've loaned them over the years and show your mum too. Then apply the emotional pressure by reminding them that your circumstances having changed with the arrival of your children and that you need the money you've given them back now. I assume your brother's will too at some point.

(Maybe he's started all this because he's stressed out / depressed about retiring in the first place so it'll force him to talk about what he plans to do with his time when he does retire.)

Then when he can't / won't sign or defaults make it clear that you will sell the house and use any profit to pay off his debts to you and your brother and then pass on any profit to them.

Time for tough love, sadly.

My brother went through a similar thing and it went on for years (he's 30 now and has nothing to show for his life thus far) and it had to end in tears before he grew up and took responsibility for himself.

Well, it's up to you, if you want to finance them, that's your choice. I think that it's not a good idea. They need to face reality! Sounds like they have come to expect folks to bail them out.

TBH, that repeated 'confiding' sounds manipulative and designed to get people to offer to bail them out.