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Original poster

expensive hen parties and generally expensive social plans

19 replies

charelizawood555 · 04/02/2020 21:37

Just wondered if anyone else has had experience of feeling very stressed and a bit socially isolated from friends/work colleagues due to cash flow problems?

Who feels that for things like hen parties, organisers should be considerate of others and realise not everyone is a high earner?

This year I have two hen parties lined up, which I agreed to the early part of last year and was really looking forward to attending. That was until about four months ago when there started to be a 30-60 pound bill for something or other on a weekly basis. Don't get me wrong I really care for these hens and want to be a part of their weekends but the amount of money I have had to fork out has caused me sleepless nights. Its not the actual initial outlay for the accommodation thats been the major issue, it's all the added extras which seem to have crept in after I agreed to going. The cocktail man, the naked butlers, the chefs, the food, the wine, the transport to and from places, the event tickets. Lets be honest once you said you will attend don't want to be the one in the whats ap group suggesting these ideas are unobtainable when everyone else is well on board. Its also never helped by the fact I don't earn a high salary in comparison to the others... In addition I am very naive to hen parties admittedly-these are literally my first two and I have already spent 750 pound for both before I have even got there. Each day theres more whats ap messages exchanged with more ideas to spend more money.

This brings me next to expensive social events and meet ups. Why is it no one can be happy doing something like going for a cup of tea or a walk? I am really happy with simple things and for me its all about the company I am with- not the money. This next rant applies to my work colleagues and friends... Every time some one has a birthday or gets a promotion or leaves the company why is it instantly an excuse for an expensive lunch out, cocktails and drinks after work. I live In London and eating and drinking is generally extortionate.

Anyway rant over

Anyway feel the fustration and pressure?

OP posts:

babasaclover · 04/02/2020 21:42

A cup of tea is hardly fun for a hen do though is it?

StylishMummy · 04/02/2020 21:44

Just decline the invitation for work related things. Hen do costs nearly always spiral if it's a residential one

Theknacktoflying · 04/02/2020 21:50

I think you are making a very valid point and I agree with you that some celebrations really go over the top. I don’t quite know what the answer is as you do have to be watchful of the pennies but at the same time don’t want to be the one putting on the dampners to celebrations ...

fedup21 · 04/02/2020 21:50

Say no. I’ve only ever gone on nights out or v cheap weekends away for hen dos.

Standrewsschool · 04/02/2020 21:52

Maybe be honest, and gently suggest to put a cap on things. You can almost guarantee that others feel the same as you. Be brave!

ItFigures · 04/02/2020 21:54

I get you OP. I have lots of different groups of friends, the majority are like me, young professionals who are not millionaires. We eat at inexpensive and expensive restaurants and often just grab a coffee to catch up.

My other group of friends are filthy rich and it’s always a bit expensive affair when we go out. The men in our group always insist on paying for everything which I loathe but it’s a drop in the ocean for them, whereas for me, spending £1,000 on a bottle of champagne is outrageous. I love them all dearly but I do sometimes feel inadequate (and I earn a 6 figure salary!).

NigellaAwesome · 04/02/2020 22:07

I don't think there is anything wrong with speaking to the brides or saying on the WhatsApp groups that you have an overall budget for the hen parties and you don't want to go over that. I'll bet there are lots of people who are in the same boat but don't want to admit it.

Although I'm a bit out of touch - I didn't have a proper hen party. I went out with friends for a meal, probably about £45 - £50 a head tops.

AdoraBell · 04/02/2020 22:24

Re the work things, go along to the drinks, say you can’t stay long so will only have 1 drink, don’t want to be in the rounds etc so will pay for own drink. Or you have a headache, just need a fruit juice/coke.

Re the hen nights, could you have a quiet word with one of the organisers? As you have already paid out £750 I wouldn’t suggest you drop out this time around. In future speak up and, maybe come up with some ideas.

katy1213 · 04/02/2020 22:50

It gets easier to say no as you get older, believe me - and no way would I be spending £750 on some bridal piss-up when I could spend it on a lovely weekend doing something I enjoy.
No need to attend the work things, they are acquaintances not friends. Or as others have suggested, go and stay for one drink.
Maybe you need to be the one to suggest some less extravagant outings. I live in London and have lots of friends who are happy with a film and a really nice ice-cream - or a walk along the river - or a picnic in one of the parks - or a stroll around the (free) galleries. Or Columbia Road when the price of flowers tumbles late-afternoon? You might find that people are glad of a cheap and cheerful suggestion.

missproportionate · 04/02/2020 22:53

‘The naked butlers’ ?????

Snowflake9 · 04/02/2020 22:55

I completely agree with you! I am not strapped for cash but I begrudge spending £4 for a coffee with a friend when I could just make one at home. I always just rather people come to mine and I will make us lunch etc.

As for the hen do, I also agree with you. Have already turned down one this year that was £350+ for 2 nights away. I hardly know the hen and don't want to be spending that much money on overpriced afternoon tea and a crappy two course meal that's planned.

My hen, we went for a meal and a few drinks after. Nothing fancy at all. It's more about the people you are with than the money you spend.

PassMeAnotherCoffee · 04/02/2020 23:02

It sounds a nightmare. We had great fun on our hen nights, mostly with bubbly at one person's place followed by dinner out nearby. It was plenty of fun and even when you were pregnant it was still fun.

INeedNewShoes · 04/02/2020 23:05

I’ve never spent more than £150 on a hen do. If I sense the costs are going to mount on a hen weekend then I’ll have an ‘important prior commitment’ meaning I can only stay over for one of the two nights or whatever.

I would never pay to be involved in a hen do involving a naked butler or anything of that type. Thankfully this issue hasn’t cropped up so I must be associating with like-minded people!

I completely agree with your general point about it being possible to meet up without parting with tons of cash. My finances have taking a massive turn for the worse. I’ve been very open with my friends about this and that I’m on a strict budget for the next few months. The number of times that what should be a free meet up (ie a walk) that I’ve suggested and a particular group of my friends has agreed to, they’ll somehow decide the plan must change to having lunch out. I’m now just not bothering to suggest meeting up with the people who are incapable of leaving their front door without spending £20 on calories.

BackforGood · 04/02/2020 23:15

£750 !!!

You can be the one inthe WhatsApp Group to say 'no', you know. More than likely, others would be very grateful for someone putting a stop to that nonsense.

It's really liberating when you start saying "I can't justify spending that on a {insert meal / night out / work social / hen weekend / weekend away} " rather than feeling you somehow ought to. Once you've done it the first time and realise the sky doesn't fall in, it is easier the next time.

ColdCottage · 04/02/2020 23:21

I agree which is why I always set a budget at the beginning of things and keep it to that. If people want to buy/pay for extras themselves then fine but I've been the skint one before and it's stressful and takes away the fun.

Also give people lots of notice and option to pay main planner in instalments.

modgepodge · 05/02/2020 19:39

In future, if invited on a hen do, be up front at the start and say, ‘I would love to come but my budget for everything is X’. They can then let you know if you’ll be able to come. If once you’ve agreed, they start asking for more, you can legitimately say that you’ve spent your budget and can’t afford any more. I’ve never been on a hen do where I didn’t agree a cost up front and I’ve never paid out any more then agreed at the start (except on drinks on the day, but I’d expected that).

For the 2 you’ve already committed to, as others have said, I bet if you say ‘this sounds great but I can’t afford it, sorry I’ll sit that activity out’ or similar on the group, you’ll find others are also keen to avoid spending any more and will agree with you.

Original poster

charelizawood555 · 07/02/2020 21:05

I think its a lesson learnt since Its the first hen parties I have ever been invited to I didn't realise people go so OTT and want to hire chefs cocktail men and stuff like that ON TOP of going away for the weekend in the first place.. I will give more thought process when I get invited to future hen dos. Knowing how expensive they are can I actually join in the first place. Its also made me really think when it comes to organising my own -which will be next year I will ensure the weekend is affordable for all and specify no layering on loads of added costs for people. I am quite happy with an air BNB night away in the Lake District, some nice walks and a stocked fridge of wine and pizzas and snacks.Or a good old dinner bed and breakfast. Or even just a nice meal out locally. x

OP posts:

Cardboard33 · 07/02/2020 21:24

We didn't have a stag or hen do for this exact reason. People we love were already spending lots money to come to our wedding from across the UK and internationally so asking them to spend even more to come to a pre wedding thing felt unnecessary. We just hired an area of a pub in Camden and asked people who lived in London to come for a drink. Tbh if I were the bride then I'd be appalled that the hens have spent £750+ each and asking the organisers some serious questions about their judgement. But then I hope that anyone I'd trust with arranging a hypothetical hen do would know my feelings and wouldn't put me in that position. Just post that it's getting too expensive for just one weekend as I guarantee you won't be the only one thinking that, particularly if you're all mid 20s (?) and new to hen dos/weddings. That said when I organise them then I'd already cost out the event in my initial "who is coming" email, and this has been the case with all of the ones that I've attended so I'm surprised it was a "who is coming" with no prices given invite.

Also, take note of expensive "fashionable" things like sweet carts and elaborate favours (that everyone leaves anyway) at the weddings you go to this year then ensure you don't make the same mistake.

Candelabra1 · 08/02/2020 08:50

Oh I hear you OP. A friend of mine is having a hen do abroad this year which involves 3-4 days away and 2 flights. Minimum 1k looking at it. Is not happy I’m not going but I don’t want to spend that on a weekend away, don’t know half the people going and have other things I’d rather spend the cash on.

I don’t know why people have to have such extravagant dos these days.

And I’m with you on meet ups. I’m perfectly happy meeting for a walk with a flask of tea or, like the other day, I had a day off work so invited a friend round for cake and tea.

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