Siblings money and debt advice

[pleasebekind19]

I've named change 3 times in the last 3 days due to asking for advice and not wanting anything to be connected so sorry if this gets deleted.

I'd like to get others points of view please.

2 sisters eldest (Sister1) youngest (Sister2) 1 brother.

Sister 1. Married husband works away weeks / months at a time. Has to pay towards travel and accommodation. Pays for the family mortgage. All bills for his wife and their 2 DC. Wife cannot work due to mental health. Has had a PIP assessment and has appealed. Husband has lots of debt. Doesn't know how much he owes. Always has 2/3 bills a month unpaid due to no spare cash. Phone cut off. Mortgage never paid in full etc. Not very supportive to wife's mental health.

Sister 2. Married. No children. Detached home. 2 cars. 3 dogs. Good careers. Nice holidays. Both smokers and drinkers. Spare money.

Brother pretty much same as sister 2.

Sister 2 and Brother work hard for their money. Both decided not to have children. They give sister 1 DC £30 at Christmas and Birthdays. Brother and Wife will probably take DC out for the day 3/4 times a year.

Sister 1 is at home all day. Her DH works away at least Monday-Friday. He doesn't discuss things with his wife. S2 and B are fed up of how he is. S2 has no patience or Understanding but does try. Brother does try to speak with S1 to offer advice and support.

Both S2 and B go away 2/3 times a year leaving 1 dog at a time with S1. She has her issues and enough on yes however the costs of kennels is high and she is home all day. Over the past 8/9 years she hasn't been paid to look after the dogs. This year she had £50 of the S2.

Recently S2 and B paid £40 each for a secondhand washer for S1.

S2 has been given £2000 cash by a relative she gets on with. He's a loner and doesn't see many people however S2 takes him food shopping once a week. The rest of the family see him for birthdays Christmas Father's Day only . All the family used to go around but he doesn't like company or anyone in the house. S2 is given at least £200/£300 a month plus extra for birthdays holidays weddings etc

S1 used to give S2 money when she worked whilst S2 was at school. S1 could probably work is she wanted too but she gets anxious.

If you were S2 would you lend or even give £100 or so to S1?

Jesus, you'd need to be a philidelphia lawyer to understand your post

kind of hard to follow tbh, but i personally would always give/lend my sister money if i was in a position to do so (which i am, and i do).

S1 needs to pull her head from under the sand. Unless she chooses to leave her DH, they need to get on top of their debt problem. Emotional support is great from close family but S1 needs to help herself in the long term rather than look for ongoing financial support from her siblings. A one off financial loan/gift solves nothing. Has S1 asked for financial help from her siblings?

Is S1 feeling that she is owed some form of financial support from S2?
If I was S2, I would be encouraging you to confront the debt head on and work with DH to reduce it going forward. Handouts never work in the long term especially if S1 feels that she is owed (morally) a regular one!

S2 and B should pay close to commercial rates for the dog boarding service, they're taking the piss otherwise.

It sounds like any form of financial support from them to S1 will be a mere sticking plaster over a great gaping wound - small amounts won't make much difference at all and it sounds like it could take tens of thousands to make any real difference and even this amouht of money could simply go into a black hole if there is lots of debts/arrears etc.

A very complex issue and probably the best form of support would be hand-holding and encouragement to deal with professional advisers re budgeting and the PIP appeal rather than simply giving them money. If the mortgage is not being paid in full, is there any danger of respossession?

S1 is a grown up. S2 and b could help out but how many times, how much each time?
Are they being punished for not having children and having good jobs?
Is s1 getting any help for her illness?

S1 is in medication has had counselling. She was diagnosed with autism a few months ago and the psychiatrist said she should be getting PIP. She wouldn't want money to pay off the debts just for treats around Christmas for the kids as a one off. She knows her husband needs to sort these out. Everything is in his name.

If course it's not her siblings fault she is in this situation and they have no obligation to help. The situation only arose after the 2,000 but this was given because she takes him shopping every week and is the only person he really sees.

S2 could give S1 some money if she wanted to, but should be aware that it won't change anything long term, might lead to future expectations, and she certainly doesn't need to. Lending money is definitely a bad idea. B and S2 should pay more for dog sitting though.

Maybe sister 1 needs to work with MH team to overcome what's stopping her from getting her own job to get paid.

If she realised that those who put in effort get rewarded maybe she'd put more effort into helping herself .

Sadly I have seen a couple of families 'over helping' children who then never learn to stand on their own two feet as adults.

Time for a bit of tough love .
If PIP is not given, then that's a good sign that what's stopping her is surmountable!! so suggest she just gives it a go and pushes herself through this into the world of work and her ability to take some control .

Best of luck !!

Sister 1 needs support but not handouts. Money isn't going to fix her problems or help her become independent. She could do with time spent helping her deal with her anxiety so she can get a job.

She wouldn't want money to pay off the debts just for treats around Christmas for the kids as a one off. She knows her husband needs to sort these out. Everything is in his name
Surely some of those debts are there to have supported her and the children even if they are in ‘her husbands name’
I can see more sense in helping with debts than treats!
But yes, fair pay for dog sitting as that is like a job

Who is this mystery financially generous relative?
Only you say that the rest of the family see him on Xmas, birthdays and Fathers Day.

If it’s your father, then my answer is different.
He should not be giving a well off adult child money but not the other who isn’t well off. S2 is only doing his shopping, and it sounds like it’s his choice not to see the others.
If it’s your father - I think S2 should redress the balance.

If it’s a different relative, I’m actually quite about S2 taking birthday, wedding, holiday money from them... why is she not politely declining? It seems a bit much to me. Why does she feel comfortable just taking this relative’s money?

So what relation is this?

Definitely think S2 should give more money for the dog sitting, as a way to help out. I don’t think S1 is owed it... I dog sit for a friend for free, because my children don’t have a dog and it’s a treat for them! But if you know someone is struggling, it’s an easy way to help.

Have to say I’m also a bit at your comment that your sister “could probably work if she wanted to”. Sounds quite dismissive of her MH issues and autism diagnosis.

@Ellisandra it is a great uncle.

S1 really needs to be in paid employment. S2 and B need to pay for dog boarding.

Why should anyone subsidise sister 1

I don't think S2 should necessarily just give S1 some of the uncle's money, but S2 and B should definitely consider paying for the dog sitting help.

S2 should pay S1 for dog sitting.

I'm not sure they should be obliged to give S1 any money. It sounds like S1's husband needs to sort himself out debt wise, and S1 needs to find some kind of paid employment that they can cope with.