Family member asking for loan

[Amaura]

DB has a history of money troubles.

About a year ago, he asked for a loan, but paid it back as per the agreed schedule. However this has seemingly opened him up the idea that we have plenty of spare money.

He recently asked for another and due to pay the first instalment next week. We outlined that if there was ever a non payment, a loan would never happen again.

Now he’s asked for more, citing a loan from work leading to an impending money audit and getting money from the ‘wrong’ people.

Technically we could afford to lose it, but not without consequences. I don’t know how to respond

He clearly needs help, but how do you get it? He has stressed it needs to be a secret (from his partner - who he has a son with, and our DM). Is it’s reasonable to say, yes but only if you get some kind of help and open up to the family?

The logical part says giving him money is just kicking the can down the road, but obviously the reality of jobs, whoever these wrong people are and the impact on his family muddy the waters.

(We are from a not great area - coastal, poor economy and high amounts of drugs. I’m the only family person who got out, so it is true regarding dodgy characters in our home town)

No way. Not unless you're happy to never see that money back.

Don't do it, I would bet he will not seek help and this will continue to be a pattern if you do.

You could always say yes under the condition that his partner signs for it as well and draw up paperwork.

Always have a paper trail. But I doubt he'd go for that.

It is kicking the can down the road OP, you're spot on. Say yes this time and he will continue to ask, until he either fails to pay back or you find yourself here again and decide to say no. So you either say no now or you accept that's what you're signing up for and carry on regardless. You could try putting conditions on further loans (opening up to other family etc) but it's unlikely he'll stick to them so I think those are your options, say no or carry on knowing how this is going to end up.

No. The requests will get more frequent and the amounts will increase. He will not seek help elsewhere whilst you are his gravy train.

So let’s make this clear:
Loan A - a year ago, all paid back, as agreed
Loan B - recently borrowed money off you, about to start paying it back
Loan C - requested, because he borrowed money from the wrong people ( Loan D?)
Loan E - a loan from work, which he needs to pay back (‘cover his tracks’j, which he possible borrowed (stole?) to pay Loan D?

Sorry, I wouldn’t be funding this. You don’t know who else he has borrowed and how much he actually is in debt. It’s rare for a workplace to lend money also. Why is he so bad with money. How do you know he can actually afford to pay you back?

Is his life in danger if Loan D is not paid back?

The fact that he wants it to be a secret is a huge red flag. Don't do it, you're not helping him, only delaying him sorting himself out.

A loan from work leading to an impending money audit eh?

That sounds rather more like he has stolen helped himself to some money at work, and he has to pay it back fast.

How much has he already borrowed, and how much more does he want now?

Nope! No more money until the loan outstanding is paid. Then no more loans. You're enabling.

I agree with the enabling and the story not adding up.

The secret part scares me too.

I don’t life is in danger, but for reference a neighbour did once stab my other brother and he was lucky to survive. Historically he has had gambling debts

Now need to think of a response. My feeling is he has to tell all to his partner and then take it from there.

Thanks all, nothing like writing it down to help ground your thoughts

I would be wary he is gambling again.

You were right. He stole the money and I know someone who has seen him gambling.

He still refuses to tell his OH but ‘apparently’ they’ve set up a joint account he’ll pass the majority of his money to (but pay debts from his one therefore she wouldn’t know about the loan).

I hate living 3 hrs away from family as means we can’t have a face to face

Too many red flags

I'm sorry to be right but it did sound likely he would be gambling.

Only you can decide what to do, but I think it's wrong to ask you for more money and not be open with his partner and ask for her support in his recovery. Due to that I would refuse more financial help and instead tell him you can be there for him emotionally but that he needs to seek professional help

I would never lend money to someone who asked me to keep it secret.

You're not there to fund him! It's so cheeky of him to put you in this situation. You're only making it harder for him to ultimately sort himself out tbh. I really would say to him you have helped as much as you can previously and can't help any more.

If his gambling is at the stage where he’s stealing money he’s in the throes of a gambling addiction. This means any money you give him will almost certainly not be used to return stolen money, he’ll gamble again in the vain hope that this time he’ll win and all his problems will be fixed. There’s a high likelihood you’ll lose the money and he’ll be even worse off.