Sharing household costs - his house

[Koli]

I’ve been with OH for 7 years, living together for 2. I live in his home and pay rent to him which covers the council tax and electricity. We also share the costs for quarterly heating oil bills.

I am now on mat leave (stat pay) waiting for 1st baby to arrive. The house requires a lot of work and OH has been renovating bedrooms and bathrooms, which as it’s his home, I think he should pay for. I have offered to contribute towards a new carpet as i’m Insistent we need one and I think we should share the costs on soft furnishings like curtains, bedding etc.

When it comes to buying baby things he really resents having to pay half of things like cot bedding, bottles etc. He asks why I can’t just buy these things as he’ll buy things at some point and all his money is going to doing up the house.

OH has an older child and I kind of resent seeing him spend money on this child, but complain about having to spend money on our baby. It’s not like we’ve had to buy a lot as people have given us so much.

He also refuses to have a joint bank account which I think we should have for shopping and joint costs. He works a lot and I will be the one doing most of the shopping, therefore spending the most money. The way it has worked in the past is he gets the shopping 1 week and I the next. It’s frustrating as i like to buy in bulk or get all the offers which means I’m also likely to spend more on weekly shops.

Am I being really tight?

Once you have child together, you must share money from a family pot, I can't understand why or how anyone can do anything other than that! You're making yourself very financially vulnerable by having his child, not being married and him not seeing that you need what you need to raise a child.

So if you seperate, you are happy to walk away from the house with nothing? Because otherwise you should be contributing more. It doesn't sound like a set up which can last long term- you're happier to share a child with him than you are finances and financial contribution? Maybe you should ask for child support equal to his other child?

If we were to separate I would be happy to walk away from the house. It’s his house and I have or want no claim to it. He prefers it this way also. The house is his eldest child’s inheritance, perhaps now our child’s and he wants to keep it as just his house.

I want us to share money from one pot especially for shopping, I can’t see how it will work otherwise. It’s frustrating as I feel I can’t buy things for the baby then ask for half the money as he gets annoyed!

During mat leave I won’t pay any rent. I may still be able to contribute to the quarterly heating oil bills. I’m going to budget for a weekly shop allowance. I’m just worried i’ll go over this and use up all my savings and then have to completely rely on him. Perhaps we’ve spent too long living independently!

I wouldn’t want a joint account in these circumstances either. For me it would be too unfair as one is paying for far more costs than the other.

A joint account for food, utilities, council tax and children’s items where both make an equal contribution I would be ok with and then each keeping what’s left of their salaries.

You do only have a token rent to pay. If you lived alone you’d have to pay the full rent plus bills plus all food. You seem to have a very good deal at the moment.

I mean only sharing money for shopping/kids items and keeping our own separate accounts with salaries paid into them. I don’t want a share of his money at all.
I just think with a family surely it’s easier to pay a monthly amount equally into an account that we can then both use for shopping/things for the baby

Sorry OP but surely all those things should have been discussed before considering having a baby together. I really struggle to understand how you can have a conversation saying 'hey, should we go ahead and have a baby', without bringing up the implications on finances.

Your arrangement is unusual for a family about to have a child together, but at the same time, unusual doesn't have to mean wrong, but you have to agree on what is a fair division of income and costs.

As it is, you need to be open enough to be able to share what your income is going to be once baby comes and what your outgoings are, so that you can be clear who should be paying what.

When it comes to spending, you should make those decisions together, but clearly agreeing. If you want a fancy cot but he thinks it's a waste of money, you are not going to go far to get him to pay it. These are spends that you should be planning together, compromising to suit your budget.

It's really impossible to have a baby and not have a frank discussion and agreement on how finances are going to be worked out in light of the change in your situation.

He should pay for half of all costs incurred for the baby, I don't know why anyone would suggest differently. As for his house, yes it's his house and he is renovating it, you're currently living in it and whilst I agree you should pay towards the soft furnishings etc, I do not think you should be forgoing a contribution from him for baby stuff just because he is making home improvements; It's a house you have no entitlement to, so let him make all the improvements he wants, it doesn't get him out of paying.

Pay no attention to anyone criticising you for not having financial arrangements sorted before getting pregnant, not everyone has a perfect set-up, that's real life, we don't all do the marry/house/plan a child "thing", life comes to us in different orders and we are all at different stages.

I agree you should have a joint account for bills/food shopping (but keep separate accounts elsewhere).

This is sort of the situation I found myself in, even down to the fact that we're getting every room done. The difference is that OH is insisting on paying because it's his house, but still letting me choose everything! I also pay him a small amount towards the bills each month in addition to paying for the food shopping (we don't call it "rent" though, I know it's only terminology, but it feels a bit cold to charge your partner "rent" somehow).

He has recently had to reduce his hours at work, and is therefore struggling to pay for his mortgage. I had the idea that - if he was happy with it - I could "buy in" to the house, and give him half of the current market value, which I can get hold of quite easily. This would allow him to pay off his mortgage, and would also leave him with around £10k extra, which would be more than enough to finish doing the house up - obviously if I pay half of the value BEFORE it's done up, I would also be contributing to any further work. That way, the house gets done, he can forget about his mortgage, and I have the security of being a homeowner. Win win win.

He sounds like a tight wad and not particularly invested in you. Nor your fort child. Unless you're got it wrong OP I don't know why you would even stay with him

Sorry about the predictive text gone all wrong.
In short, I'd be gone

Some relationships are really fucking odd. Teamwork doesn't seem to come in to it as much these days... it's like people want a kind of half in/half out thing going on and to keep so much of their lives separate. I can't quite get my head around it.

When my now wife moved 250 miles away from her family and friends to live with me I supported her 100% until she got a job. When my business was struggling she supported us both on her income. When we moved from "my" house to "our" first house, all of the equity I had built up was now shared in her name. My solicitor mentioned this and I said it was fine and I understood she would benefit. When we had our first child, I supported us on my income. All of our money is ours to spend, regardless of who earns it.

We're a team... probably why we're yet to have any huge arguments after 15 years of being together.