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Original poster

Dh being a prick , I really dont want a divorce but I cant see any other way .

49 replies

Nextstepplease · 12/08/2007 12:09

Been together 12 yrs. Have two children age 5 & 7. I gave up my career to do the child care and I now have a part time job ( term tim etc ) well under the tax threshold.

I do all the childcare , school picup , drop off, run to GP , hospital appointments, take time off if one is sick etc etc.

My Dh doe snot have to worry about any of this and goes to work , comes home etc. He is good with the children at the weekend , but unfortunately he expects me to be a Stepford wife, have the house clean and tidy etc. Now I am first to admit that I am not much of a home makeer, but the house Is clean and tidy , children have good healthy meals and comparec to some other friends house then mine is a a palace.

Our relationship has been stormy for sometime , he refuses to go to Relate, have been there once myself my really need him to go aswell.

In the past month he has spent £1000 on a new TV and camera which we really didn't need. Last month I spent £80 on clothes for summer , he lost the plot at that !

He is now threatening me that he will pay his salary into a separate account and just give me house keeping , he even had the chek to want me to pay half the bills ! How I dont know ( earn less than £300 a month ) I said Ok to this on condition he ddi half the child care- take and pick up the kids to school, coook their meals etc . He shut up when he suggested this.

I think he has really lost the plot this time , howebver where do I stand if he does stop paying the one household wage into the main account , I honestly feel like a salve in my own home. At the weekends I will say I would like to do this he will say 'No you need to tidy up the kids rooms '.

I am going to keep a diary of it all, as I know that I will have reasonable grounds for divorce should it end that way, But I dont want a divorce I need him to see how unreasonable he is. I am not goin to leave the family home but would seriously like him to go at the moment.

What about seperation ? How long would it take ? Would I be able to go to see a solictor and court and get an order to make him leave ?

He has thrown things at me on two occassions in the last month , both times in front of the kids. He verbally abuses me about my weight, not that he is Mr Slim fast 2007 !

I just cant face the whole finailty of a divorce at the moment.

Any advice out there ?

OP posts:
KaySamuels · 13/08/2007 07:51

Sorry to hear you are having such a bad time NSP, make half an hour today to get the land registry form done, and book yourself an appointment with a solicitor (some do a free consultation appointment, and take your diary with you to it) and find out your rights.

You have had some good advice, keep posting and I'm sure we will all help you through this. Do you see DP's bank statements? Just a thought - you could see if he is spending on other things you don't know about, and could also photocopy them to prove points in your diary, ie spending on luxury items.

WaynettaSlob · 13/08/2007 07:56

NSP - why did he storm off last night? It does sound as though you both need to sit down calmly, no nagging or shouting and talk about this.
Is there anyone who could take the kids for a couple of hours this evening? Then you could call him at work (or text him) and just say that you have to get things out in the open. Then you should write down a (constructive) list of the issues as you see them.
I would hazard a guess and say that there are big problems at work - maybe he's been given redundancy notice or something, and doesn't know how to tell you?
One of you needs to be calm and measured, and it sounds like it's going to have to be you.

Original poster
Nextstepplease · 13/08/2007 08:00

We have a joint bank account and I deal with you money matters when they arise, no chance of him being made redundant I know that .

I will sort out the land registry thing.

OP posts:
WaynettaSlob · 13/08/2007 08:05

Let us know when that's been done........(that's my subtle way of nagging!!! [wink[)

LoveMyGirls · 13/08/2007 08:25

Can you visit CAB and a solicitor?

zookeeper · 13/08/2007 08:52

Hi Nextstep.

the first thing that you should do is go and get legal advice with a family law spcialist - there are loads that give half an hour legal advice so at least you know your rights and what you can and can't do. You will feel stronger then and not so vulnerable.

The solicitor is bound to tell you that you should register a notice of matrimonial home rights on the house - because you are matrried you have an interest in the house and it needs to be protected because as things stand he could sell or remortgage it without your knowledge. Once that is in place he can't do anything with it without reference to you or your solicitors.

If you work 16 hours a week or more you will be entitled to tax credits which are surprisingly generous. There's a bit on the Inland revenue website which is called "do I qualify" and you can type in various scenarios to see what you would get if you can increase your hours.Can anyone do a link to this? They will help with childcare, so if you have to put the kids in breakfast club or afterschool club include the costs.

Anyone can get a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour - you only have to put four or five examples of it in the divorce petition.

I can't really advise more without knowing his salary, equity in the house etc but a good solicitor would.

Take things a day at a time in bite-sized chunks and you will be fine. He cannot sell the house withour your consent(once you have placed that notice) and he will not want to let the mortgage fall into arrears so you are in a stronger position than you might think.

Let us know how you get on. I'm going through this myself at the moment and it can seem very overwhelming.

Judy1234 · 13/08/2007 12:22

(A huge number of women out earn their men in the UK believe it or not. That is not some cloud cuckoo land stuff it's call equal rights and it's great for relationships. Nothing to stop anyone setting up a Boden, wind farm, oil drilling business, nursing agency or whatever it might be. Plenty of women do it all the time and have children.)

Also if you think a relationship will break down and given how many men disappear after divorce and don't pay a penny I would have thought getting back to earning more is some of the very best advice anyone could give you. Not tongue in cheek at all. On the other hand losing weight and putting out more and buying underwear is how women submissive to men have kept their man for years so it's certainly an alternative as I suggested.

Also has he made a will? If not it won't all come to you so that's just something to consider. You might want to take some life insurance out over him too given the house isn't in joint names etc

emsiewill · 13/08/2007 12:31

this website ("entitled to") may be of use.

Good luck.

zookeeper · 13/08/2007 13:11

yes that's one - it's really good - thanks

zookeeper · 13/08/2007 13:11

the one

NineUnlikelyTales · 13/08/2007 14:57

Xenia I thought that if a husband (or wife) died without making a will then the estate would pass to the wife (or husband). Is this not true then?

Judy1234 · 13/08/2007 15:17

No it's not true. That's why people need to look these things up. It depends on the amount of the estate. It is also hugely complicated if there is no will so not fair on the family not to have one. If the value of the equity in your house and other assets is under £125,000 then yes the spouse gets it all so if you are sure your house will never exceed that value even in say 30 years' time with inflation etc then don't bother. Over that sum then the balance is divided as set out below:

"If there is a surviving spouse and issue, the spouse receives all the deceased's personal items (known as,personal effects) together with a sum up to the value of the statutory legacy which is £125,000. Should the value of the estate exceed this and there is also issue, then the surviving spouse would receive half of the balance of the estate for life. In other words, the half of what remains after the personal effects, the statutory legacy of £125,000, and debts and expenses have been deducted. The remaining half would go to any children immediately, except if they are under the age of 18. If any child did die in the lifetime of the deceased leaving children of his or her own, then those children would divide their parent's share between them."...etc

NineUnlikelyTales · 13/08/2007 15:20

I had no idea and I expect most people would be similarly misinformed. I will organise for me and DH to write wills. Thanks very much for the information.

Original poster
Nextstepplease · 13/08/2007 19:10

Will look into the will part, I am not entitled to any tax credits etc as DH earns too much - hence why I will not out earn him - not quite up to setting up a wind farm at the moment Xenia !

OP posts:
ajol · 13/08/2007 19:29

Thinking of making a Will, check out Institute of Professional Will Writers website (www.ipw.org.uk) which details what would happen if you died without making a Will!

Should also write one to appoint guardians for your minor children.

Whole new thread I think.!

Hope this evening goes better!

zookeeper · 13/08/2007 19:33

Nextsteps, it's worth looking to see what you would qualify for if you separated from DH

Original poster
Nextstepplease · 13/08/2007 19:36

Would maintenance payments affect what you may be entitled to tax credit wise etc ?

OP posts:
zookeeper · 13/08/2007 19:41

no, they're not taken into account

Judy1234 · 14/08/2007 00:06

And if you out earn him as many women do they you pay the main maintenance. It's all quite sexually neutral.

zookeeper · 14/08/2007 08:09

I don't understand your post xenia

NineUnlikelyTales · 14/08/2007 11:00

I think she means if Next were to get a job where she earned more than her husband, in the event that they divorced she would have to pay the most maintenance. I.e. It doesn't matter whether the bigger earner is the man or the woman, they have to stump up the most.

zookeeper · 14/08/2007 13:32

spousal maintenance is relatively rare these days if that's what she means. If Next ends up with the children then her dh will have to pay child maintenance regardless of how good her income is. There is nothing here to suggest that she will have to pay spousal maintenance to dh however much she earns in the future.

NineUnlikelyTales · 14/08/2007 14:10

Perhaps I shouldn't put words in Xenia's mouth..

Judy1234 · 14/08/2007 18:00

I meant man, not main. And you're right if there's enough money for a clean break or yo uboth work then unless there is huge disparity in earnings (I earned 10x my husband so he wanted 25 years at that standard of living etc) then the lower earner is not so likely to have maintenance or just for a limited period to retrain etc.

(on dying without a will interesting article on the consequences in today's Times by the way - business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/law/article2250721.ece)

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