Moving in together

[LeeandCola]

Hi all I'm feeling very torn on what the right thing to do is and would appreciate some neutral feedback. My partner and I are stuck at logger heads about our finances and living together, she has a house with a mortgage (around £400 a month) she also has a child from a previous marriage which she receives benefits for (£450ish) as well as maintenance from the father, she works 31 hours a week so has an income too. We have delayed moving in together officially due to the financial disagreement what I should be paying. If I moved in she would lose her benefits or at least part of and requested I split the bills which I'm more than happy to do but also pay her whatever she loses in benefits as her wage covers the mortgage and Bill's the benefits is her money for the month so this is where it gets complicated we are also trying to save for fertility treatment that so far she hasn't contributed towards saying she cant afford to so I have being paying £200 into a savings account for this every month. I have explained to her if we live together and split the household bills she would already gain money back from this to give her additional spending money for the month after bills, however I dont have the money to give her extra to make up her loss in benefits and I pay for the fertility treatment I literally would be left with £53 a month and I earn an ok wage. I have suggested going back to work full time as her child is 9 but her workplace doesnt have any full time positions so should I be expected to make up the benefits she loses and split the bills while also funding the fertility? she says yes and I say hang on if I'm splitting the bills and paying for fertility and she is paying half bills and a mortgage on her house not ours surely I am already paying my way without contributing to her monthly income for her lifestyle. To those that have got this far you'll notice I havent mentioned the child maintenance as I dont class it as part of the income however when all of that money is spent on new clothes, fancy food and take aways, days out for the child and none put into the actual day to day living costs and I'm being forced to live on pennies I find it quite frustrating. So I feel really lost and guilty because I love this lady and I want us to work this out fairly and continue with our life together but we cant seem to agree on the financial side. Am I being selfish or unreasonable? Please be kind I just need an unbiased view to know I'm doing or not doing the right thing.

No YANBU or selfish.

The fertility costs should be shared equality for starters, why is it just you saving for that? Aren’t you both going to benefit from it?! Surely that’s something you do as a couple and only if all essentials are covered, which £53 a month will not.

If Household bills are going to be shared then you shouldn’t be making up what she ‘loses’ in benefits. It’s her decision to live with you and hence the consequences of that. It seems very unfair that you have to pay household bills and give her money for the list benefits, I wouldn’t accept that if I were in your shoes. It’s a bit cheeky in my opinion, your supposed to be in a partnerships supporting each other not just one person getting a cushy setup.

I take it she doesn’t want you to contribute to the mortgage for whatever reason or is that part of the bills?

It would seem you’re both not ready to live together and as much as you love her you need to use your head too. This set up will cause resentment in you in the end and rightly so.

Thank you for replying

So originally it was discussed she does not want me contributing towards the mortgage as shes worried if we broke up she wants the security for her child that the house cant be touched which I agreed....not that i would ever put her or her child in a situation that meant they didnt have a roof over their head, so from that it was decided she would continue her mortgage repayments and I would pay for the fertility treatment so in a way it was being split between us however since realising her benefits would cease or drop she has started with the additional payments I would need to pay so she had spending money in the month. The thing is if I didnt have to pay her the benefit loss I could afford the split bill's and fertility payments as well as having a comfortable wage for us to live off of it's only when I deduct the 'benefit loss' from my wage I end up with nothing but she cant seem to understand the loss she has on it should be covered by the split bill's and other general living costs plus that's only if she loses all her benefits. I am usually very generous but it's just not sitting right with me that I work full time to end up with nothing at the end of the month so she has money for her lifestyle but acts like it's the obvious thing she loses her benefits so I pay her them instead.

I do really appreciate your reply quite honestly i keep beating myself up and questioning if I'm right to stand my ground on it so hearing someone agree really helps me

Ok so that explains the fertility savings, fair enough if that’s what you decide together.

Are you ok though with not having your own place, what happens if you do split up 5-10 years down the line, where would you go, cause with the proposed set up you’ll never be able to save.

If you decide to live together then there are consequences and compromises, sometimes it’s less benefits, more Council tax, bigger bills - it’s called life.

She’s thinking very carefully about her own financial needs and rightly so., Her mortgage, Her benefits money etc, just make sure you’re equally savvy.

Tbh I guess I wasnt thinking about the future in terms of what I'd do as yes I'd be homeless and penniless essentially and all those years shes paying off her mortgage while using my wage as spending money I could end up with nothing.

Hmm definitely added a whole new aspect I need to think about I was caught up on being broke every month but actually long term I'd be screwed.

I think we need a new conversation where either the mortgage is shared so I have security or she only receives half the bills and the remaining money goes in my savings account as a back up for me if the worst was to happen.

Thank you cubed123 I think Ive been a bit naive and needed someone to give me a wake up call

Take what all the bills will be (minus the mortgage) plus the average amount monthly for food and household like take aways, meals out etc, split it 50/50 and each pay that into an account.

You pay the fertility, she pays the mortgage which keeps a roof over your head but she's the only one that will benefit long term.

Don't split the bills and living expenses then also give her £450 odd a month. She pays the bills, food etc herself now but you'll be joining to pay half so she won't actually be losing anything at all. She'll be £450 worse off not getting the benefits but she'll likely be £450 better off with you paying half the bills, food etc so she'll just be getting the same!

She's effectively working out a way for you to cover the mortgage and half the bills, food and household making her £450 a month better off than she is now!

How long have you been together? If you've been ttc what have the discussions been around the financial impact of maternity leave, return to work/child care, costs of an additional child on the household budget etc?
How committed is your DP to having a child together? I would suspect not as much as you as she hasn't prioritised saving towards it, as you have.
It looks like you have some very fundamental differences of opinion regarding joint finances but perhaps some other issues as well.
I see her point about not wanting to lose part of her income but your position is equally valid. Being a couple involves accommodation & at times compromise, being rigid over money can be a deal breaker.
Perhaps put the idea of living together on the back burner for now to give yourself some space to think clearly.

It doesn't sound like now is the time to be moving in together much less procreating even more.

It's her house, but you need to pay rent ( not 50% agree a fair amount) and then split the bills and food 50:50. She has to take the hit on benefits and if you're saving for anything both contribute what you can afford out of what you have left. If you're getting married this will sort itself out, if not then seriously consider it before starting any fertility treatment. This will protect you as you won't have a stake in the house.

If you can't agree on this, you are not prepared to move in together, let alone plan children. What will happen when she gets pregnant and then decide she wants to quit her job and be a SAHM?

You really need to discuss budgeting for a start rather than who should pay what. If she doesn't want you to contribute towards her mortgage, then she needs to accept that she is going to be worse off, end of. At the same time, I expect if she receives such a level of benefit, it is because most is going onto childcare?

It's not easy to move in with someone who has children and a mortgage and decide how to devise costs, but again, if you can't come up with a compromise at this stage, what hope do you have with the rest? It's easy to be in love and all going well when you get to go home in your own place every evening, it's a different story when you can't any longer.

OP have u had a chat with her about all this yet and what's the outcome so far

I also can't see how you'd ever agree finances with another child, on maternity leave etc. if you can't even agree this far.

I'm also not sure why many posters say that losing benefits is the compromise. People get benefits when they're skint so I can't see how she'd manage without them.

She'd manage without them because instead of paying all the bills herself like she does now, she will only be paying half. So that's half the amount of council tax, water, gas and electric, TV, internet, food... so she may be losing £450 in benefits but she will save money having someone to pay half the bills and food with her so it actually balances out. If the OP pays half the bills and food and also gives her £450 a month, she will actually be a lot better off than she is now. Not a bad thing but then she wants to keep the house and be the only one befitting from it long term but is basically asking the OP to pay the mortgage by making up this 'loss' in benefits