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Original poster

Second family finances - how to sort out mine and DP's money??

31 replies

KaySamuels · 09/08/2007 08:46

I'm just looking for a bit of insight into how other people whose dp/dh pays maintenance and has a large loan payment each month, split their finanaces.

Me and dp have been together over five years (lived in our home together 5yrs), and up til now have kept our finances seperate, DP has paid all household bills bar one, his loan, and maintnance. I have paid for food shopping, things for ds (ie clothing), xmas and bday presents for all our relatives, and our home insurance and my business expenses as a childminder. We have had periods of financial hardship with csa problems and nearly lost our house, dp has had good wages, terrible wages and no wages in this period of time, I have always had terrible wages. I have always had to be the one to sort out csa, terribly stressful at the time with a 4month old baby, dealing with csa and MP (then deputy PM), and worrying about the house, all at 22. I have also sorted our debts ie pushed dp to get remortgaged, consolidated loans, sort csa, etc. We now have a pact to not go into debt/get credit again, and can save for anything we need or want ie holidays, things for house.

We were discussing last night getting a joint account, which all our wages and CB goes into, bills, food and ds clothes come out, then we both have an equal amount transfered to our own accounts for our spending during the month. DP said he has never broached this before due to his large bills from before we got together (ie very large loan payments and maintanence).

What do other people do about sitauations like these? What do you think we should do? Any opinions appreciated, just want to try and guage how other second families deal with this situation. TIA

OP posts:

Original poster

KaySamuels · 09/08/2007 08:53

Oh forgot to add, when we got our house, dp made it clear he did not want me on the mortgage as he has 'lost' to homes already to ex partners. I was 21 at the time, not been together long, didn't care about being on new boyfriends mortgage! This is the reason I have never broached it in the past either as I made it clear that although it is our 'home' it is his house, and if he wants it to be solely his then so be it. Even now if we were to split (we are happy and settled right now), I would not want to stay here as it has always had more of his stamp on it than mine.

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scorpio1 · 09/08/2007 08:53

we have a joint account, and each week i pay child maintence in to dss mums account. all direct debit bills-easier to pay, iyswim. we get out money each week (paid weekly) and have that for 'pocket money'.

The joint account pays for rent, C Tax, food, phone, internet, car payment, CM, credit card payments, car ins, and dps boxing membership.

We leave tax credits in there too to cover bills. spare money gets taken out into a savings account after pocket money.

Child benefit is used for school dinners, clothes, shoes, treats, days out for kids.

HTH?

Original poster

KaySamuels · 09/08/2007 09:05

Yes thanks, just trying to get a feel what other people do, DP has an expensive hobby, and I am beginning to resent the money he is spending on it, while I struggle to clothe ds, so I think equal amounts of spending money, and me contributing to bills would be better all round.

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scorpio1 · 09/08/2007 09:19

i have more pocket money than dp, because i buy kids little things out of it too-say a new hat or something like that.

my dp spends a bit on his hobbies and his phone bill is more than mine (work phone), plus only he drives so only he has fuel money too. therefore he has less.

Any overtime money gets 'discussed' - last week dp had it to buy new fishing stuff. before i have had it to buy clothes/make-up. we ount OT as seperate spendable money, not saved, iyswim?

Original poster

KaySamuels · 09/08/2007 09:28

Ah yes dp has a mobile contract, I spend £5 a month on my phone . He runs a car, as I can't drive yet, so car costs could come straight out of joint account I think as he uses it for work, and to run me about too. I want things for ds to come out of it too, as end up with no money at all (had one pair of shoes in March with holes in as I always spend it on ds (clothes, sun cream, etc).

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scorpio1 · 09/08/2007 09:33

yep all car expenses come out of joint because dp uses it for work, taking me places etc.

agree you and ds should have seperate pots of money. try using child benefit just for ds things-should be enough to cover shoes, etc. ds isn't just your financial responsibility-you need monney too, for mags, make-up, lunch out, etc. thats what mine goes on anyway!! and i often pay to go to soft play on the weekend too.

HTH

CarGirl · 09/08/2007 09:38

I have to say because you are not married and because you both financially contribute you should either ask to go on the mortgage or get married otherwise if you split in the future you could end up homeless after contributing to him owning a house for 5/10/15/20 years!

Other than that we've always viewed it as "our" money and "our" debts and agreed how much to spend on what. If you only have one car then surely it is the families car but hobbies are treat spending as are night outs, clothes for adults etc

Original poster

KaySamuels · 09/08/2007 09:44

Yes cargirl, I do view it as a family car at the mo, am learning to drive though and have a mini waiting for me! So when that happens guess we will have to rethink.

The reason I have started thinking about htis is because dp has just used some money to buy very expensive bmx wheels and get his car repainted, while I am scrimping and scraping to get our hallway plastered!

Don't know how I would approach the house situation tbh I really don't. We do talk about getting married now and again (for practical reasons as we are happily unmarried IYKWIM).

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Brangelina · 09/08/2007 09:47

We have separate bank accounts our wages are paid into and a joint account into which we each pay a fixed amount each month (the same proportion of each person's salary). The joint account pays for mortgage, bills on direct debit, nursery, food, DD's clothes, holidays etc.

It works for us as that way the household costs are equally divided and we have a fixed pool of money we can pay them with, plus we each have our own money to do what we want with and pay for personal things (which in DP's case includes child maintenance). That way we don't really need to discuss anything or faff about with who owes what to whom. It also saves on a lot of arguments and possibile resentment for expensive hobbies and the like.

Original poster

KaySamuels · 09/08/2007 09:53

Do you earn around the same brangelina?

I am in a situation where I have a low paid job, as working out of house would cost me too much in childcare. So at the moment dp pays more bills, but also has a lot more spare money than I do, and I think we should have the same roughly amount of spare monmey, and contribute roughly the same to bills, and whatever's left we save for emergencies/holiday to haven.

I'm finding it's hard to get my head around though!

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Original poster

KaySamuels · 09/08/2007 09:59

I do like the idea of splitting our household bills only equally, then the rest is our own, ie dp would pay his csa, loan, mobile, and I would pay my very small loan, phone credit, NI contributions and business expenses.

Think that might work out better, am going to add all our bills up I think.

If I did that though think I would want to protect myself ie the house, as I would be equally contributing. Hmm..... will have a think.

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Original poster

KaySamuels · 09/08/2007 10:00

Also a couple of months ago DP took a family package health insurance for himself and his two eldest boys - but not me and ds!

So think seperate personal bills a good idea.

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Ladymuck · 09/08/2007 10:09

Not in your situation, but if the primary reason that you're in a low paid job is becuase of the otherwise very expensive childcare costs, then you need to factor this in too - childcare is essentially a joint expense, not just yours. If everything gets split down the middle then of course this doesn't matter, but if you're choosing which expenses to share then think about it:- If you were earning say twice as much as you do, but having to pay half in childcare costs, then you'd be in the same net position, but you would probably be expecting dp to pay a share of the childcare costs.

Original poster

KaySamuels · 09/08/2007 10:22

Most 'second wives' I have come across find they support their young child(ren) solely on their own due to existing maintenance costs their dps/dhs pay. All of ds' costs seem to have fallen at my feet from the moment we found out he was on his way. It is an irksome fact of my life at the moment that I am supporting ds solely on my own money, and therefore have less spare cash than dp's ex, who doesn't work but goes out every weekend and lives in labels!

I realise we have been going about this the wrong way, which is why I am asking for advice from people who have it sussed!

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Brangelina · 09/08/2007 15:49

KaySamuels - Yes we earn about the same so it's easy for now, but we've also discussed how it would work if one of us started earning significantly more or less. For instance, I know of a married couple where one partner earns a lot less than the other but they both pay the same proportion of their salary in, eg. 40% each. The actual figures are not the same but they both end up with the same percentage of "me" money which for the higher earner will still be a lot more than the lower earner, IYSWIM. This is the method we'd discussed, but will have to see how it would work for us in practice should the necessity arise.

Brangelina · 09/08/2007 15:57

And I agree with you re the supporting your own children because of partner's maintenance. This was one reason we set this up, as ex was demanding all sorts of expensive extracurricular activities and gadgets for dss and I didn't want there to be any resentment about taking away from our DD to give to SS. This way DP's residual money is his own business and I don't want to know what he's spending it on, it doesn't touch our household spending so who cares. The sum we both pay in completely covers household and childcare costs, with a little to spare that mounts up gradually to pay for a holiday or whatever.

Original poster

KaySamuels · 10/08/2007 22:02

Just bumping for evening crowd.

OP posts:

nameforthebadstuff · 12/08/2007 01:27

Quote - Most 'second wives' I have come across find they support their young child(ren) solely on their own due to existing maintenance costs their dps/dhs pay. All of ds' costs seem to have fallen at my feet from the moment we found out he was on his way. It is an irksome fact of my life at the moment that I am supporting ds solely on my own money, and therefore have less spare cash than dp's ex, who doesn't work but goes out every weekend and lives in labels! - Unquote

Ah, sounds like my life!

I'm going to have to leave my 7 month old baby, to go back to work, so DH can pay 750 quid a month to his ex who has not worked in 20 years because "her children(youngest 13, oldest 18) need her at home"! And the money is not even going on them - dressed, literally, in rags sometimes, holes in shoes, so have to buy those too, and they are fed on shit (fish fingers every night) - bt the money goes for the ex to keep 2 horses...

nameforthebadstuff · 12/08/2007 01:27

Ah, sounds like my life!

tribpot · 12/08/2007 06:48

So dp is still paying off a hefty loan, but wasting money on bmx wheels and having his car repainted? It sounds like he needs to have a serious look at his own finances and priorities. You have a pact not to go into debt 'again' but you (or rather he) already is in debt.

If you can find a way to sit down and look at your finances properly, rather than just pooling money and then dp carries on spending as he does currently, that would sound like a more sensible option.

anniemac · 13/08/2007 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

KaySamuels · 13/08/2007 20:58

Sadly anniemac dp's ex has seen how stressful we find dealing with the csa and so enjoys keeping them as invloved as possible. DP has offered to pay her by standing order she told him to fuck off. We were all in the car with ds and one dss at the time giving her a lift. She is a real find.

We have put the finances on hold for a while. I realised I would be paying out more and have even less money, while dp would be paying out less with more money, and seen as I am the one who spends money selflessly (ie puts house and kids before myself in terms of spending), then I shall leave it as it is.

TBH I don't think this will resolve until DP's boys have grown up and finances aren't such an emotive and stressful subject.

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WideWebWitch · 13/08/2007 21:07

Hello, I've only read your first 2 posts.

I married dh1, we had a flat each in London, I earned more when we met. When we split up I sold mine to finance being a sahm for a while. He still has his. I got a small sum on divorce.

I then met dp (now dh2!). I had debts, he did not. I originally paid more rent than he did because I had a) ds and b) maintenance from dh1.

Anyway, we used to argue about money when we were first together and broke. Eventually we decided to pool everything and opened a joint account.

And then we had dd in 2003, got married 2 years ago and so now there are only joint marital assets. Even before we married we put all cash into one acocunt and all expenses came out ofit. I earned more though. We still do this. Both names have been on all tenancy agreements. both names will/would have been on any mortgage.

Do you have children together? I think you need to sort this if you do.

WideWebWitch · 13/08/2007 21:08

Just skimmed and you do have a child together. Taking out ins for other children and not yours is outrageous. I wouldn't enter into any joint committments with this man. Agree that childcare is a JOINT epxense, NOT YOURS!

WideWebWitch · 13/08/2007 21:09

I'd bloody well resent an expensive hobby too in your position!

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