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Original poster

Manipulative boyfriend

20 replies

Doomed2019 · 09/08/2019 17:10

Hi really feel trapped and no idea what to do. Sadly partly my fault.

So known my boyfriend for 7 years but only recently within last year decided to move in together.

Please no judgements, i know I’ve been foolish and taken for a mug.
Over the past he’s constantly asked me for money and very rarely paid me back.
He lulled me with promises for a long time that he would have a lot more money if I moved in. Eventually I decided to yet there’s no difference and it’s still a case of him asking for handouts.

Since I moved in I’ve been thinking of the future and saving what I can to a deposit so we can get out of renting and onto mortgage.

I done an agreement in principle with a bank and it was declined, then when I checked my credit report my boyfriend has taken over £7500 debt in my name. Worse is the fact he’s had several missed payments so wrecked my credit rating at the same time.

My 4 year old son looks at him as a father and they have a great relationship but my boyfriend is so selfish, all he cares about is spending money on cigarettes.

It all started when he asked to borrow £1000 and eventually I caved in. I know I was being emotionally manipulated and sadly let it happen. This was to save him from homelessness and he was going to pay me back within a year. Yet all he did was pay me but then ask for more so eventually borrowed over £5000 and the extra £7500 that he took out in credit cards.

So that should have been the warning sign when he first asked for £1000 but sadly didn’t walk away which is a huge regret.

Next up in regrets when he explained because of his credit rating being so poor, he couldn’t get the latest phone so he asked me to get the phone in his name and I did.

So that’s why I haven’t gone to the police, even though I did reluctantly let him take the phone In my name, I didn’t consent to all the store and credit cards. However, I’m savvy enough to know no one would believe that.

Plus I found out about all the debt in April and haven’t done anything about it.

Latest situation I give him my share of the bills each money and that’s been okay for this year. However last night he asked me for another £400 and I just fear I’ve fallen into a cycle I can’t escape.
I gave him the £400 because he said he would default on payments on all credit cards and put a bigger black mark on my credit rating.

I don’t have that much money, some tiny amount of savings but I budget month to month.

He is to a point paying the credit cards but occasionally one or two alerts are sent to me that he’s missed a payment and that turns into another argument.

However fear if I leave I’ll by Sadled with all this debt I can’t afford to pay as he certainly won’t if we break up.

On the flip side, he may get tired of me being his meal ticket, meet someone else and dump me anyway and I’m sadled with all this debt anyway.

I’m so torn as what to do. Anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:

Lifeisabeach09 · 09/08/2019 19:17

No, sorry I haven't. You need to report this Id theft...contact the police and the loan/cc issuers.

Sorry, OP, but you'd be a fool to stay with this person.

Lifeisabeach09 · 09/08/2019 19:19

He will only run up more debt in your name. Contact CAB for advice and the credit reporting agencies to put a fraud alert on your name so he can't

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 09/08/2019 19:22

If you stay with him then you will be saddled with debt for the rest of your life.

If he has taken debt out in your name without your permission then go to the police.

Summerwellunderway · 09/08/2019 19:23

Unless your signature is attached to the loan agreements then of course they will believe you. Speak to the police. It is fraud.

SpideyMom · 09/08/2019 20:31

Get away from him ASAP.

My DS dad ran up debts of well over £20k all in my name. And because of this I've been left to pay it off and it cripples me. I sought legal advice, evidence all showed I would win but as I was never guaranteed I would get paid I would still be liable for the payments. I decided to walk away for myself and my child's sake.

You have to stop giving in. Though it's his debt in the eyes of the law it is yours.

I've been where you are, still am. Please be careful

Original poster

Doomed2019 · 10/08/2019 08:10

I guess my biggest fear is if I report to the police, I could get in trouble for letting him take the phone in my name. Plus there were a few things like him using my name for a better gas and electricity bill. However, didn’t let him take out all of these store cards and credit cards but already I know how sketchy it sounds

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/08/2019 08:18

He still committed a crime though. Plus the coercive behaviour he’s using is also a crime.

Take control because it sounds like he’s bleeding you dry anyway.

RonnieScotts · 10/08/2019 09:23

Report it to the police, by not doing so you are committing fraud. He is a criminal.

AiryFairyMum · 10/08/2019 20:41

Report it to the police and/or the cards' fraud departments but don't tell him. You don't even have to say who you think has defrauded you - just that there are debts in your name that you haven't signed up for.
He will find out when they start chasing him - the debts should then be taken from your name and they will have to sort it out with him directly.
He can't blame you - after all he's never admitted to you he's taken loans in your name. Do it quickly though.

Bananalanacake · 11/08/2019 09:00

does he earn enough to eventually pay it back. can you live separately.

Waytooearly · 11/08/2019 09:06

I read that this sort of crime is under-reported because the victims are so humiliated.

Don't victim-blame yourself! People lend money and support one another all the time. You weren't foolish to lend a helping hand to someone. You can't have known he was a criminal.

But it's time to recognise it now. Get the help of police and domestic violence support.

Justgivemesomepeace · 11/08/2019 09:17

If it's the phone that's stopping you reporting him, please don't worry about it. You are allowed to take out a phone contract and allow someone else to use it. I work for a phone network and it's a normal thing for people to do, for minors or family/friends with poor credit. You are the account holder and can decide to do whatever you want with it. Best advice is if you leave, bar the phone, cancel the contract (there may be fees), but it will stop him running up bills you are responsible for. By rights he should give you the device back as it's yours but they rarely do. You can move the number to pay n go if you want to be nice and keep the number for him.

seven201 · 11/08/2019 09:57

I have no experience with this kind of thing but he's committing fraud. Go to the police. Please don't be ashamed, you're a victim. Start planning how you can move out. You'll be so much better off without him.

AiryFairyMum · 11/08/2019 10:49

This is how to report him www.actionfraud.police.uk - as pp says, don't worry about the phone, or his reaction. You have a small window to sort this out.

OurChristmasMiracle · 11/08/2019 11:05

You need to report it. In regards to the phone , It’s it fraud to get a phone in your own name and hand it to someone else, but it is your responsibility to pay the contract.

You also need to leave him. He will bleed you dry.

You might be better just getting the SIM card sent to you rather than cancelling the contract though so that way you don’t pay cancellation fees etc and just paying it monthly whilst he won’t have access to it as I highly doubt you’ll get the phone back.

AllStar14 · 11/08/2019 11:13

Completely irrelevant but you've been together 7 years but you have a ds4 who isn't your dps child?

AllStar14 · 11/08/2019 11:14

Ah nevermind, just reread and you've KNOWN him 7 years. Sorry.

Justgivemesomepeace · 11/08/2019 13:48

It is NOT fraud to get a phone contact in your OWN name and give it to someone else to use. It IS fraud to take one out in someone else's name. Please don't worry about OP, honestly. You will not get into trouble for having a phone contract and him using the phone.

namechanger0064 · 11/08/2019 13:59

Im sorry OP but I felt sick reading that. Not only are you giving him money but he's taking beyond that as well.

That money could go to your child - why should it go to him. Please leave him. Better to deal with the debt now than to expect change that will never ever happen.

Your duty is to yourself and any children that you have. You can trust yourself but can you trust him?

inabitofapickledonion · 11/08/2019 19:50

Ring 101 when your alone and explain the situation. They will organise for an officer to come out and see you, it’s a crime and if don’t report it now he will get away with it.
Keep records of text conversations or record your conversations you have about it in case he back tracks.
Contact Christina’s against poverty - I’m not religious but they do great with supporting people with debt and money problems

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