ABUSIVE Relationship - scared of leaving in case loose kids...............

[looneytune]

I'm posting about my sister as she's been brainwashed by her dh and I said I'd try and get some proper advice/info for her.

Some of you may possibly remember my threads about a year ago where I was actually going against my sister and trying to help BIL. I feel really bad now but it definitely seemed the right thing at the time, all my family felt the same too. Anyway, these are the previous threads for those who are interested in the history.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=184595&stamp=060627103706
www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=187205#3854940

Well, a few months after the last thread, my sister and BIL moved to Australia for 3 months to try again (living with his family). They came back at the start of this year and started a new life in a totally different area to where they were and anyone really.

I've visited their new place once for a quick cup of tea and they seemed very happy, kids happy etc etc and sister always happy on the phone, it seemed. She blurted something out the other day which she didn't intend to, it just happened.......a lot has been going on over the past couple of weeks which is why she's been quiet (we've all been bit concerned about lack of responding to messages). Turns out that she's been covered in bruises and had cracked ribs due to him attacking her - she winds him up!! She says it's totally her fault for winding him up and I'm not to tell ANYONE about it, just forget it. She said she found out he was having an internet affair and lost it, smashed his laptop and scratched him etc so he cracked her ribs - it's HER fault she said. Now imo, there's a line you don't cross? But maybe she's right, she started it???? I DON'T KNOW?!?! BUT......I DO know he's done things when she DOESN'T deserve it (not that she did in first place though) i.e. she has a go verbally and he kicks/hits her and the latest............she phoned yesterday to talk about it all and to tell me not to worry as she felt bad for telling me. She then phoned me late last night and said he went mental asking who she'd called, what we talked about etc (as she went out to call me) and obviously she didn't tell him what she'd told me, she just remained pretty quiet. So he grabs her (pinching skin hard in process) and pushes her hard down to the stairs wanting to talk it out with her. That was the last I heard and I know she'll have gone back. She'd got it in her head that if she keeps her mouth shut, she can't wind him up and everything will be ok. I said you can't live like that and anyway....she's since been quiet and he got angry with her for not talking and did something to her coz 'she wound him up'.

When she was covered in bruises and blood, she didn't want the kids seeing her like that so she moved out for a week and he told the kids it's coz 'mummy gets angry sometimes and needs to go away to calm down'. She's gone back to him and he's made it clear to her that if she leaves, she'll not get the kids.

So now it's a reverse of the previous threads and hoping that I can help my sister. I'm now wondering how long this abuse has been going on and if he did it before she had the affair? Thing is, she always said he never did anything to hurt her, just didn't fancy him and thats why had the affair but now i wonder

She's also worried because she's been back and forth to Dr's and hospital recently BUT she lied about how she got hurt. I said I'm sure this happens all the time and that when they check things out, they see through this? But I really have no experience.

I feel like I'm babbling on now.....I just want to know that if my sister has done things to wind him up etc and even scratched him, does that mean it's not certain she'd get the kids if she leaves? She DOES want to leave, she's just scared.

I also found out that this was going on in Australia when his mum was at work i.e. pushing her up against the wall SOOOOO, it can't be about her anger towards his affair, he just gets angry and lashes out by the looks of it. PLUS...his mum left his dad when he was young due to abuse like this!

Any advice would be great as I want to get my sister the hell out of there!!

Thanks if you got this far

[motherinferior]

Oh hell. Your poor sister. What a monster of a bloke. She's wrong; wrong on both counts. He's been attacking and abusing her - saying it's her fault for 'winding him up' is even worse. And if she leaves him because of his violence, there's no reason why he should 'keep' the kids - he's not been the main carer, has he?

[motherinferior]

Lying about why she got hurt is a very common thing that abused women do, you're absolutely right. He has damaged her badly. I really think she should get out, and get out before things get worse.

You need Women's Aid - your local council may have a number to ring too.

[looneytune]

Thanks guys.

BIL has not been the main carer APART from when she went through her affair last year and did move away for a short time. It wasn't long but I reckon this is the ammo(sp?) he plans on using?

I HATE him for letting me help him before, I HATE myself for helping him even though it seemed right at the time and I HATE him more for brainwashing her into thinking it's her fault and she just needs to keep quiet and not wind him up. AND also for controlling her i.e. stops her using phone or going out (most of the time). She doesn't want me calling her in case he's there. I'm soooo I wish I lived nearer

[looneytune]

Oh, thanks again, I thought that was the case in abused women. I told her I was scared to death of being the only person who knows but not being able to call and what if something really really bad happens next time, I'LL feel like it's MY fault for not doing anything. All she keeps saying is don't worry, forget I said anything.

[motherinferior]

I reckon there is absolutely no risk of him 'keeping' the kids - the only risk, I think (I'm no expert but have done a very little bit of research in this area for work) is if your partner has been the principle, stay at home, carer for pretty well all the children's lives, and if that is the case it is likely the children would live with that partner most of the time. However, a violent father wouldn't have a leg to stand on. Frankly I think she could do worse than get someone to take pics of her bruises and ribs - and I'd be surprised if the medics hadn't had a good suspicion that they were the result of an assault, in any case.

[looneytune]

Thanks. I've just sent her a message about meeting up. All done very upbeat and saying we'd love to meet up during hols etc as don't see each other much blabla (in case her dh reads). Hopefully I can find out a good time to call when her dh isn't at home and I'll suggest the pics but it may be too late for the last lot. I've suggested she speaks to her gp, i said they have to remain confidential so she shouldn't worry. I also told her about how bad it is for her kids etc to be around an environment like that hoping that if she won't think of herself, she'll think of them. They got in a state with all the arguements last year, it broke my heart.

If I don't hear back from her, I'll phone and if he answers, be all friendly for her sake, even though i wanna kick his ass!!! I just need to get to talk to her, I don't know what happened when she went home last night.

[BetsyBoop]

this site has loads of good links to organisation who can help.

What your BIL did can never EVER be justified. Yes people "wind each other up", yes they argue, even the odd plate or cup might get thrown at a wall but physical violence is NEVER justified.

There is no way he'll get the kids if he's been violent. He's using mental bullying as well as physical bullying.

You need to help & support your sis as best you can & persuade her to get the hell out of there, he won't change (they never do) & it's not good for her & it's certainly not good for the kids. The kids ALWAYS know, despite how clever the parents think they are doing hiding it.

[julezboo]

Hi there

My mum is in an abusive relationship at the mo She wont leave him as her confidence has took a hard knock since marrying him 3 years ago

Anyway My aunty is involved alot, only becuase its where my mum turns to when she needs and ear to sound off too.

My aunt has had alot of advise on her behalf from solicitors. They told my aunty if my mum ever rung up again saying he hit her my aunty could ring the police and he will be charged. They do not need the womens permission to press charges anymore.

Im not sure if thats something you would be willing to do. I would also tell another family member, I know shes asked you not to, but like she said its not fair to you to be dealing with this on your own.

Good luck and let us know x

[looneytune]

Sorry, just caught up with the threads and replied on the other one (relationships section)

Thanks