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Original poster

If you were married to me, would this bother you?

63 replies

PeachesMcLean · 24/07/2007 19:31

DH and I are about to get a joint mortgage for the first time. We're really lucky in that my mum has given us a huge sum towards the new house. She's made it quite clear that this will come off the Will when she eventually goes and I know she's only got that money because of when my dad died (and his hard work in saving it). It's actually one fifth of the value of the new house so a fair chunk!

Now, I've suggested this next bit to DH before and he's joked about me making him sign a "post nup" (instead of a pre-nup) but it's come to the crunch now and I need to decide whether to push it:

My plan is to get him to sign to be a Tenant in Common so that should we split up, the first fifth of the house is mine and we then split the rest. Whilst I don't Really think he's about to run off with someone else, I don't want to run the risk that if he did do that, he'd get half of my mum's money. I guess in the back of my mind I am aware that DH has been irresponsible with money in the past and I don't want to think that he could get this.

Am I Evil Wifey?

OP posts:
fannyannie · 24/07/2007 20:02

agree entirely with lurkylou's post.

DumbledoresGirl · 24/07/2007 20:03

No I have been in this situation and I think it is not a fair thing to do. Yes OK your mother has provided a fifth of the price of the house, but who is going to contribute the lion share of the mortgage repayments? Even if you are equally contributing to the mortgage repayments I still think it is wrong. You are a partnership, what is his is yours and vice versa.

DobbyDoesDallas · 24/07/2007 20:05

I would never do this to my husband

He hasnt done it to me and we are in a similar situation (roles reversed)

I would have been gutted if he had

ib · 24/07/2007 20:07

If he views his inheritance as 'his' then surely it's reasonable to treat yours as yours? It wouldn't bother me at all but I know it would bother dh (but then he'll always let me have a say in his money matters)

lljkk · 24/07/2007 20:08

I think what you're planning is reasonable, Peaches. You can trust a man in all the important ways for a love relationship to work, but being sensible with money is a separate thing.

It may not stand up in divorce court, though, you really would need to take advice on that.

LIZS · 24/07/2007 20:13

If I were your dh I'd feel miffed that you want to formalise this. Your op says she "has given us a huge sum towards the new house" - therefore it is perhaps not for you alone to determine the long term usage as she has given it collectively fro your family home. btw presumably you realise that if your mother were unfortunately to die (sorry to be morbid) within 7 years of this "gift" it could still be liable to IHT if applicable.

PanicPants · 24/07/2007 20:15

Thankyou oooggs, that would be the one!

Ellaroo · 24/07/2007 20:17

PeachesMclean - I agree it sounds slightly means-pirited and so can see exactly why some people have objected, however, having read what your financial arrangement has been so far I think you are 100% right to protect your mum's money and that if it has occurred to you to do it in the first place (when it genuinely wouldn't to many), then that instinct is probably there for a very good reason and you should follow it.

I also think that given what you've said about your current arrangements it's not quite as offensive a suggestion as if all had been equal up until now.

AbRoller · 24/07/2007 20:36

I think you are being very wise. I will be relocating to my dp's hometown to a house he is building on land his family gave him. We will be putting in place a legal agreement for him to protect the home and land HIS family worked hard to attain for him. Should we ever split I will be entitled to a buy out figure reflecting my contribution to the household to date. I think it's fair.

ninedragons · 25/07/2007 06:57

I think you're being extremely sensible. See a lawyer to get the agreement drawn up.

iheartdusty · 25/07/2007 14:17

it won't make any difference if you are married. The divorce laws take precedence over any paper ownership. Any property which comes to either of you during the marriage is an asset of the marriage on divorce, whichever name it is in.

If you are not married, then it makes a huge difference and would have the effect you are after.

Pamina · 25/07/2007 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannaBe · 25/07/2007 14:29

I would be deeply hurt and offended if my dh suggested something like this "in case we split" and would actually seriously question whether he was as committed to the relationship as I was. "all that I am I give to you, all that I have I share with you, for as long as we both shall live.". so said my wedding vows anyway.

Yes I realize that a lot of marriages end in divorce and it's really not always that simple, but to be contemplating the possibility of divorce as you enter into buying your first home together would set huge alarm bells ringing for me and would lead me to question whether all was well in the first place, sorry.

Aside from that, divorce will take precedence over other agreements if these are drawn up subsequent to you being married, so even if he wanted to claim 50% of the equity he could do so unless you signed the money back to your mum.

Mumpbump · 25/07/2007 14:39

People's attitude towards money in marriage vary widely. One of my good friends has only a joint account with her dh; dh and I have separate accounts/finances, with a joint account to pay the mortgage, bills and household shopping.

Coming from the school of thought who believes you should remain financially independent from your dh, I would say you're being sensible. Dh and I have an arrangement whereby we own our house as tenants in common and if we split or one of us dies, the shares are to be calculated on the basis of our cash contributions and mortgage payments. He has two dc from previous marriage so even in death, the size of our shares will be relevant...

And although pre-nups aren't legally binding, I remember reading that the courts will take them into consideration nowadays unless there are good reasons to ignore them, eg. you are giving up work to look after children and need the money.

Mumpbump · 25/07/2007 14:41

Oh - and if you never split up, the "shares" will never become relevant so I disagree with those people who say it shows a lack of faith in your marriage. It won't ever become relevant unless it fails...

Twinkie1 · 25/07/2007 14:50

I wouldn't do it - think DH would be offended that I had that little faith in our relationship to be honest.

Oblomov · 25/07/2007 15:03

My mum has just made a new will and it specifies that her children will get a %, when she dies, basically becasue her divorce settlement from my dad, allowed her and my stepfather to put a large deposit down on their current house.
Apparently this is quite common, or so her solicitor told her, re re-marrying divorced parents.

Tortington · 25/07/2007 15:11

i am doing exactly the same thing NEARLY>

my mum dies leaving quite a huge sum. when her housei s sold we will be buiying a house.

after asking mumnset for the right legalese, seeing a solicitor and phoning three conveyencors i have found out this.

you can have a deed of trust this basically says that i have put in XXXXXXtowards the house and should we split up he then gets whatever he has contributed (mortgage) and hald the equity.

you are sensible. my husband said fine - wasn't overjoyed but didn't make fuss either.

i reminded him it was my responsability to ensure that ths money goes to MY children when i die.

no to some SLAG floozy should he decide to hook up with in 10 years should he reverse his vasectomy and start a new family unlikley -yes.

we have years of good times - but we have also had occasions when he has been a complete fucker.

so no, the money isn't his. he can't have it. its mine and will go to my children. he may benefit from it whilst he is married to me.

he may benefit from gaining on equity he would never be able to afford himself.

should i fuck him off or visa versa a couple of years time - he will be at least 20 grand better off - considering he has fuck all i reckon he's getting a deal.

your doing the right thing.

it might soothe your mums mind if you tell her the precautions you are taking.

kslatts · 25/07/2007 15:34

I would be very upset if dh did this to me and I would never do this to dh, I believe that when you took your wedding vows you became a partnership and should share any money you have.

Carnoodleusfudge · 25/07/2007 15:42

Yes - what's mine is his and what's his is mine. I would be really really upset if he did this to me.

In marriage we share everything and nobody should be holding anything over another.

Mumpbump · 25/07/2007 16:39

But look where adopting the old-fashioned approach got Paul McCartney... You wouldn't get married to someone if you didn't believe that you could make it work on a long-term basis, but as someone who sees things go wrong every day in their job, I still think it's foolish not to have a contingency plan, just in case.

lizziemun · 25/07/2007 17:19

PeachesMcLean

I think you would being do the right thing, especialy (sp) as your DH has a history of being bad with money.

As you have said that he is due to come into some money and you have no say in how and where he spends it. He can not have both ways either you share all money coming into your household and the money going on the bills.

As custardo wrote you are protecting the money for you child.

Original poster
PeachesMcLean · 25/07/2007 18:07

OK,CrappolaMcLean here. Thanks for ALL your posts. I've thought about it a lot and have decided to do exactly nothing. We've signed the paperwork as normal and it's gone to the solicitors. Not because I agree with those who say it's an awful thing to do but because I am so completely and utterly crap at confronting anything and DH tends to get stressed out by anything that might hold up the house buying process. SO. it was all a good idea which has come to nothing but I'm really glad to have got the different opinions here. I'll hold on to the vague possibility that I could argue my case in a divorce court - Obviously I'm rather hoping that it wouldn't come to that! We both pay equally on the bills, we earn equally too. The reason why he's so crap with finances is partly because I'm so crap at confronting it. I just take it all on myself. And look! I've just done exactly the same again.

Oh well at least I've been dutiful wife.

OP posts:
Blondilocks · 25/07/2007 18:13

I think it's a brilliant idea. Would definitely consider doing it myself.

But it doesn't really matter now.

biggitdad · 25/07/2007 19:05

Peaches, I know it is too late know but FWIW I would have said ring fence the money as you discussed. Custardo hit the nail on the head in her post. I am an IFA and see so many women who give up careers look after children, give up earnings, pension rights etc when they have families and if they do divorce they really do not come out of it well. It is all very well going on about marriage vows but they are a fat lot of good when you split up.
What I would say now is keep any evidence of the gift so that if in time you need proof of it you can provide it.
I hope you enjoy the new home.