Hey guys, first post so hope it’s in the right place. I’m looking for peoples honest thoughts on my situation.
I split from my ex a year ago and I have sole custody of our two children, 6 and 7. He takes them for less than 48 hours every second weekend but otherwise doesn’t call or take any interest. He also lives with his parents and they take more to do with the children when it’s “his weekend” than he does.
The issue is finances. So, we were married for a long time and he has some credit card debt and a loan which is in his name but insists we have to repay together, despite the finances being in his full control while we were shared a home. I didn’t even have a bank account, all my money went into his and he made every financial decision himself. Also, much of the debt was built funding his business, which I am now no part of, and his own expenses, which I was also no part of. He went abroad twice without me and often treat himself to things when I wasn’t allowed that freedom.
Because of these repayments I send him £70 a month, while he also receives my oldest sons DLA (he is autistic and on middle rate of care) which amounts to roughly £200 a month. Of course, he doesn’t send me anything for the children or contribute in any way. He bought £20 school shoes for my oldest and I gave him the money for it. That’s what we are talking about, here. I get told the children need haircuts, but he wouldn’t take them himself unless I paid.
He runs his own small business from home and lives with his parents, but doesn’t have another job or income and berates me any time I talk of the finances. He tells me if I stop sending him money I will destroy his business, he will go bankrupt, it will be my fault. I have had advice from friends (one a law graduate who worked for women’s aid) saying there is no way I should give him a penny, and it is shameful that he doesn’t pay anything for his children. I’m just feeling lost because he very heavily lays on the guilt but at the same time, we have been separated now for a year. A full year where he could have improved his situation. He has spent that year, saying “If you stop the money I will be force to get a job” - knowing his business, he has PLENTY of time to work and still have the business. There is no reason he should not have already looked for employment, but he has never worked a real job. Never.
I wouldn’t be so frustrated, but if I ever ask for help in terms of physically taking the children for an extra day (like during school holidays) I’m spoken to like I’m being selfish. I have no other family who help me with the children and I have health complications. I feel so overwhelmed on my own.
Basically, give it to me straight. Because right now I feel at the end of my patience. I’ve been crying every day for the last two weeks, I feel completely alone and now I’m just getting angry. I want to stop sending him money and have my sons dla actually come to us, not him. I think he’s had plenty of time to find a job and become financially stable that he cant say it’s my fault if I stop sending him money. He believes he shouldn’t have to work because he’s entitled to what I send him, but I strongly disagree.
Am I wrong?