How to overcome unhealthy relationship with money?

[GreenButBlueButRed]

Hi guys. I do suffer from money anxiety not because I don’t have enough m, but because of my obsession for saving. I constantly worry I don’t have enough & im worried to spent ANY amount. It’s so unhealthy & recently getting me down. Can anyone relate to this? Or suggest self help ideas? Thank you

Check out “the budget mom” she’s based in America but her method is good.

I don't think saving loads of money is unhealthy - why do you think it is? Presumably your obligations are met are you're feeding yourself so why is saving the rest of your disposable income a problem?

Pretty embarrassing to admit but I dont buy the things I generally need. I don’t need to save as much as I do I don’t spend money on anything for myself I would just rather save it & never enjoy money. If that makes any sense x

What’s your financial situation, OP?

Look, I grew up dirt poor, like you can’t imagine. I stockpile food like it’s the end of the world. I never just run out of anything, iyswim.
I am also seriously adverse to using my savings, I’ll go without rather than breaking my little nest.

Stuff like holidays, pilates class etc I consider them luxuries, I get them if I do overtime, never just ‘normal expenses’.

So, my ‘problem’ is a traumatic childhood. What is yours?

I know where you are coming from. I'm a saver as well and think it stems from having a childhood where money or the absence of money, coloured our whole family life. Never asking my parents for anything because there was just no point, we couldn't afford it. Going without new shoes, school trips, holidays and picking up the constant anxiety from my mother (Dad didn't seem to concerned) as the how the bills will be paid. As an adult,I never want to be in that situation again, so I save to I feel I have a buffer , safety net around me. I will buy anything my family needs, my children never go without anything but I struggle to spend on myself. I work hard and logically know I can afford to treat myself but it is a struggle .Recently, I am actually forcing myself to buy something I'd like once a month! Nothing extravagant really but I realise I need to see myself as deserving and the world will not collapse around me if I buy that lipstick I fancy! It is hard.

What exactly is it that you need but don't buy? Are you eating a nutritious diet?

Are you saving for anything in particular?

Its recommended to have a fund that you can access for emergencies, how much would depend on living situation, but as a guide three months living expenditure. Then any particular goals you are saving for, home improvements, holidays, deposit, other large purchases.

I think the general guide is 50/30/20:

50% on needs and 30% on wants while allocating 20% to savings

As PP says treating yourself is good - doesn't have to be costly, a deal on Groupon with a friend etc.

I feel a lot less anxious about money when I'm more in control of it and know what's going on. I used to be terrified of looking at my bank balance because I didn't know what it would say!

If you're anything like me, the following might help:

• work out exactly what you need to keep ticking over per pay period: rent/mortgage, bills, food, commuting costs.

• decide how many months of that would make you feel safe if you lost your current source of income: 3 months? 6? But make it something you can save for in a reasonable period of time. My number is actually very low because I worked out I could cover everything I need to on minimum wage and I'm confident I could find temp work at short notice. But you need to do your own reasoning so you can trust your calculations.

• break down your current income into what you need in that pay period, what you want to save based on what you've worked out will make you feel safe, and a bit of fun money from what's left.

• treat yourself. I personally like to have an overpriced froofy coffee from the Caffè Nero near my office once a week. If you've been avoiding buying stuff you need you might want to start with something more practical, like stocking up the freezer with healthy frozen things, or some new socks. If you do it gradually at first you'll be able to enjoy small improvements to your life while confirming for yourself that the world doesn't come to an end if you buy yourself something nice.

Sorry this is a bit long but I hope it helps!

If anxiety (in your case money anxiety) is stopping you living your life, then it's not a money problem, it's a mental health problem. As PP have suggested, there is probably lots of background stuff you need to unpick. Start with a visit to your GP.

@8fencingwire
I have £1k spare after bills sometimes £900 I save a lot of it & just generally don’t enjoy my money. The rest is basic living expenses. We never had a lot of money growing up & my partner depends on me a lot financially due to them working part time I think that’s why I am like I am I have to rely on myself I can’t get myself in a situation where I need to borrow from them as it’ll be a no!

Well, that’s sensible! What is the problem?

It's exactly how I live and I won't change that. We grew up always budgeting and that saved my parents many a times. I think you are being sensible.
I have taken stuff out of trolly when I go to til as I felt it's excess. I never compromise on fresh food, fruit and veg but I have clothes which are 15 years old. I wear till they are totally worn out. I am always thinking if I can save few quid anywhere. I love a good bargain and try and diy a lot of work. I have even mended old stuff and reused. I ask for gifts if I do need something and that is budgeted too. We save for things and plan rather than get on credit other than home ofc on mortgage.
I believe most people are buying more than they should if you ask me. What makes you think you need to change? If you are feeling upset about it then it's more than 'stuff'. You won't be feeling better if you have more stuff but rather speak to GP about how you feel.

The problem is I never enjoy money, I constantly worry I don’t have enough & try to save every penny, maybe I’m thinking this is abnormal but a lot of people do this. I’m surprised how many people do the same as me

8fencingwire
I think the problem is I obsess constantly, I check my balance everyday. I constantly worry & if I do have to use savings for anything I worry until I put it back. It might be normal to act like this

I’m not really saving for anything in particular I just save just in case.

Why does your partner say no to loaning you money if they have some to spare?
Why are they only working part time while you pay their bill's?
Just wondering is this what's causing you to worry.
I often worried about money because l was a terrible spender. Then l learned to save and it took all the worry away because l knew l could manage sudden surprise Bill's etc. So if saving is giving you no sense of security there is something wrong. Hence my questions about your DP.

Green, that’s exactly what I do! And I most definitely would not call this a problem, quite the contrary.

Look, my exH spent money like it was growing on trees. He was part time, with expensive hobbies. But not only that, he was very vocal and abusive if I wanted to save for anything to buy (for our house, DD etc). Or if god forbid I did go out and bought something. His mantra was ‘we can’t afford it’. But he was allowed to go and buy whatever he wanted, because he ‘needed’ it. Not only that, but his salary was nearly 3 times less than mine. And he insisted everything went on a credit card, that I paid in full every month.
He called me crazy for wanting to have savings and for not enjoying money.
He’s an ex.

What’s the story with your DP?

OP it sounds like you have enough but are miserable so that's not right. You deserve to relax, assuming you do have enough. So, making another assumption that you DH isn't somehow causing the problem, then you need to address the anxiety, so you can relax safe in the knowledge that you have a cushion to keep you safe.
Incidentally, I found it easier to be clear that I have enough for what I need over the next few months and beyond once me and DP started using YNAB (a budgeting software where you allocate money to purposes- so you know you have the next month or so of rent, bills, food etc accounted for and then you can assign money to other stuff too- like irregular bills, repairs, emergencies and even... fun, being really confident than when stuff comes up the money is right there to pay for it)

8fencingwire
Been with DP for over 10 years he’s a really good man. Encourages me to stop saving & spend on myself. He’s just so bad with money, doesn’t think before he spends I think it’s too easy for him to ask me, he doesn’t borrow a lot around £50-£100 a month. He’s started full time so hopefully things will improve. I think when you only have yourself to rely on you have to be responsible for all money worries in a relationship. Well in mine you do.