working out blended family budget

[BellaDeV]

I'm in a very complicated situation at the moment and really don't know whether i'm coming or going right now lol
scenario is my teenage son has come live with me, my DP and toddler. Even though son and partner get on ok (there is no visible tension as far as i can see) my partner did express they were worried about how we'd cope financially considering i go overboard with food expenses when my kids visit and how having my teenage son around would change the dynamic of the household (which is understandable)

Whilst i get where he's coming from (i do splash the cash whenever my teenage kids come to visit as i don't see them that often and compensate in a way with lavish meals and such) i was really hurt in that he's never had a problem with my spending habits when i was the sole earner when DP moved into my flat. even when DP got a job I've still been paying the majority of the bill up until very recently (we now more or less split the expenses 50/50 even though i've cut my hours to look after our little one when they were promoted at work so is earning more than me now)

what makes things ten times worse is DP HATEs discussing money at all so we very rarely sit down to work out a budget or analyse where the money is going.

to add to my troubles I'm in serious debt right now which has ballooned since we've been together (this is a combination of carrying the most financial burden in the household and me using shopping as a coping mechanism for my mental health issues) For this reason i don't think having a joint account is a good idea as might have a knock on effect on his credit rating which i don't think would be fair and don't expect him to pay for my poor financial planning.

Anyway the reason for my post is I want to work out a fair budget considering my son is now living with us and don't expect my partner to shoulder any of the expenses he incurs but I'm really shit when it comes to math lol does anyone have suggestions as to how to split the household bills in an equitable manner considering we have a child together and my son living with us?

Will your son be working or studying?

my son will be studying and is currently looking for part time work but not sure how much he'll realistically be able to contribute to the household so I'm trying not to include that in any budgets as it's not guaranteed income as yet

@BellaDeV so are you saying now your son in living with you that your going to keep up the 'lavish' lifestyle with food etc? Or is he going to have to eat the way you normally eat when he isn't there? Did he live with his dad before ?

He is your teenage son. Buy him food and don't let anybody tell you not to. You have sorted most of the costs for the household throughout the relationship. He can put up with paying towards done did to your son now. It sounds like your DP is living in your flat as well and you paid for everything at the start of your relationship as he didn't have a job. The cheek of him!

Meant 'towards food for your son'

yea son used to live with his dad who is very well off so i guess felt really inadequate when ever my teenagers would visit but my son understands that we have a strict budget for meals in this house

i just want to tackle any issues before they snowball

Well, you need to discuss money more with your DP. Sounds to me rather as if he's been living off you whilst you've been sinking into debt...

You paid more bills when you were the higher earner. Now you are the lower earner (and do more childcare) and you still pay more proportionally - what does "almost 50-50" mean?

I think to work out a fair budget we'd need to see income/outgoings and understand who's name is on the house etc.

Will your DS's dad now pay you CM?

He’s your son. Prioritise him over your partner, cut down the lavish food shopping, and have a firm chat with your DP towards getting him to contribute proportionally more now that he’s earning more, you’re looking after your joint child, and considering that you put him back on his feet when he wasn’t working.
Also - get help for the debt and stop the shopping habit.

The teenager’s father should be contributing to his upkeep surely? You say he is wealthy?

What sort of level is your debt at?

It seems as though your partner didn’t want to talk about money when he had none, but now that he has some, he’s not sure that he wants to share it!

Does you partner know about the debt?

Can you afford to pay 50:50 like you currently are?

I suspect the only fair way to do this is going to be to put all the cards on the table, work out what costs you all have and what income you all have (including maintenance from teenagers dad) and dividing it up. You'll need to be honest about debt levels then too, and how you stop that snowballing.

Is teenage DS expecting the same lavishness that he's used to? Is he likely to jump between you and his dad for a while?

I don't particularly enjoy talking about money but this conversation should have been had before DP moved in, really.

Will his dad not be contributing ? How old is DS?

Erm, you seem to have a bigger problem than fancy food for a teenage.

You own your own home
Jobless partner moves in, is happy with your spending all this time and lives off your salary
Gets a job, but you still pay the majority of bills
This evens up to roughly 50/50
You cut your hours and salary to do childcare, when he got nice promotion earning more than you ever were - yet are still 50/50
He won't discuss money.

Your son is moving in and partner is bitching about your food spend for him?

Is that about the sum of it?

There's a name (or two) for people like him.

there will be no support from biological father of the kid as things
are pretty acrimonious between us

so to give you an idea of our monthly outgoings we've randomly split
the bills as follows:-

rent 500
council tax 125
broadband 30
mobile 25
breakdown cover 14
road tax 12
___
706

utilities 130
food 400
petrol 70
car insurance 65
tv subs20
_
685

so this is bound to go up with a teenager in the house and I cover my own debt repayments, the toddlers clothes when and if needed, my teens travel and expenses for when they come visit me (their father moved away some distance) so after the above expenses i'm usually left with literally pennies half way through the
month while DP still has money to spare to do with as he pleases and
in some cases i have to debase myself asking for a wee loan to tide me over for anything that pops up.

i try not to think the worst of DP as he's a loving a caring man and
honestly think he does care about my son but think it's a matter of
how awkward it is discussing finances (plus he HATES confrontation) so feel really trapped right now and the resentment is building

things are potentially going to get worse when my poorly father is not longer able to fend for himself so will potentially be taking on caring responsibilities for him too at some point in the future.

thank you so much for the responses so far, even if they've been brutally honest i really does help to have someone to bounce ideas off that isn't directly related to either me or my partner

much love
Bella

Does he pay the food bill, then? If he's worried about that going up? If so, he still pays less than you - it's not 50-50.

Why do you pay expenses for the toddler? Isn't that child both of yours?

Only 1 mobile bill of £25?

What about other stuff like eating out, days out, birthday presents, toiletries, childcare for toddler?, Christmas etc.?

Have a look on the moneysavingexpert website for the full breakdown of what you need in a budget. You have to start with a full picture.

It might be awkward discussing money, but you and your DP need to do it. If you got into debt by paying for more than you could afford, then now that DP is a higher earner than you he needs to take on more of the expenses.

One way to do it so that it's "fair" is that everyone pays proportionate to their income instead of 50-50. So if he earns more than you he pays more than you towards household bills.

e.g. (simple figures to make the calculations simple for the example)
He earns £2,500 per month. You earn £1,250 per month. Total income £3,750.

2,500/3,750 x 100 = 66.66%
1,250/3.750 x 100 = 33.33%

He earns 50% more than you, so when you work out the percentage, he pays two thirds, and you pay one third.