Declaration of trust dramas

[Rachgreen]

just wondered if anyone can relate or offer advice on my circumstance.

I’m 5 months pregnant with first baby and currently rent with my OH. Since becoming pregnant he’s been keen to get the ball rolling with buying a house, despite only him having money for a deposit. I did specify that I’d be happy to carry on renting for another year or so to allow me to try and save up a bit and sort finances but OH was concerned we might not get a mortgage once baby comes plus need to factor in the loss of earnings from being on mat leave.

Anyway, we are now in the process of buying and things are progressing well. OH has decided he wants a declaration of trust drawn up to ensure his 30k deposit is protected which I understand and am happy with, I would be the same if it were me putting down the deposit. However, the problem that I’m having is that OH is talking about paying for initial renovations/purchases for our new house with some of the money he has left over, including 20k that is nan kindly gifted him a month ago. Roughly speaking we would need to spend about 12k on essential work once we move in. OH now says he wants that money to be protected too and possibly added to declaration of trust?! Whereas I’d be happy to opt for finance/loan for some essential items but he is not interested.

The thing that gets me is that I’d actually be happy to spend money I’d been gifted by family on essential items without feeling the need to protect that money too but maybe that’s just me!

I actually feel really hurt at how tight he’s being about it because it feels as though he is going into this with the view that it won’t work out. Surely building a home together for us and baby shouldn’t be about keeping tabs on who has paid for what. I’m sure they’ll be times when I’ll pay for something for our home like new furniture or carpet etc. I’d happily do this to contribute to building a nice family home together, I’d never dream of asking him for money towards such purchases or keep tabs on everything I’ve paid for over the years. Also I now feel like saying, well if you walk away I’ll still have our child to look after and support - where’s my declaration of trust to say he will contribute to supporting the child financially??

I know I’ve rambled on a bit but I just feel upset and frustrated by it and not sure if I’m being unreasonable about it? Just to clarify as well that mortgage and bills are split equally.

Get married now, before the baby is born and before you buy a house together. You have very little protection other wise.

If he won't get married then split up- you don't have a future.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Whether male or female, I'd be telling my child to protect it all by deed of trust. No relationship is guaranteed and promises don't mean anything without legal backup. If their partner decided they wouldn't agree, then I'd be advising them to reconsider purchasing and to look at the relationship again.

It's a lot of money and some of it from his family, I'd protect it too in his circumstances.

It's got nothing to do with child support or day to day issues. It's about protecting his savings.

If you don't get married you'll have little protection if you split up. I'd also be wary that he wants to buy in his name now not wait 12 months and put it in both names

I agree with you OP. Unless the renovations are permanent or long term, any renovation depreciate so it's not fair this should be protected as capital.

What are the plans for the future after your baby is born. Will you go back to work FT and share childcare costs? How long have you been together?

This is why I always think deeds of trust are a bad idea (Unless the sums involved are hugely inequitable) It almost always generates negative feelings.
I can understand the reason he wants to protect the deposit, something you are happy with but I totally agree with you when you say from that day forward it's a joint enterprise, one pot of family money. Talking about protecting renovation money etc. he's taking the piss.

You are not being unreasonable, (I couldn't tolerate a my money/your money scenario either) and I think it's something you need to talk about with him otherwise it could fester and lead to resentment.

My sister has been through this twice and both times got burned sadly. She got taken for more than they were due or deserved.
So in all honesty I really wish she had got something drawn up to protect herself. But I guess thinking logically isn't always the case when love is involved.
No one is saying your relationship won't last but sadly not everything does. He is trying to protect what is rightfully his and you would be expected to do the same if it was yourself. Try not to think his already expecting it to not work out. Chances are that won't be the case, but after seeing my sister go through this twice now I'd say it's important to have something in place

With regards to the renovations side though I think his being out of order. The deposit I fully understand but not the renovations

I agree with you OP. Money spent on renovations will depreciate and is not worth same as him putting down a larger deposit etc. Also does he not understand what having a baby means in terms of your future earning potential and as you say building a family.

Agree with others that your best protection is getting married.

Tell him you wish to be married to him before baby arrives and house bought. Then you will know how much you really mean to him.
Weddings do not have to be expensive.