Super stressed on maternity pay

[firstbubbadue]

Just a bit of a rant really !

Im 5 months into my maternity leave and pay. I’m due back in May, it’s my own fault as I didn’t save properly in preparation for the maternity leave but I was t expecting it to be sooo hard !
I have tried to cut down on things like food shopping and going without for things for myself. I enjoy taking my son to baby groups and have been attending mostly free ones with my friends. I feel Im losing my independence as I am still paying for the same bills as I was before mat leave, my partner just transfers me money if I’m getting low. I’ve never had to ask him for money and I hate doing it I feel like he’s resenting me for having to ask.
I half want to go back to work early just to ease the money situation but then absolutely do not want to pass up precious time with ds.
I feel like I’ve cut all I can and do just wondering if anyone wants to join the moan !

How you have similar personal money when he earns fou le is that you share it equally. That is the norm. In a marriage or re with kids. He doesn't have more spend money than you because he earns more! 'all my worldly goods with thee I share'.

@firstbubbadue How are you sorting money right now? Do you pay 50% of costs each or is it proportional (ie he earns double what you earn, so he pays 2/3 and you pay 1/3?)

I would hate having to ask for money, not because DP wouldn't give it to me, but because it would feel crushing to me. I've always been very self sufficient! So I do empathise. I'm going to suggest a joint account before we marry/have kids for that reason.

Barbara are you serious!! I can give how much or little info on my life as I wish to strangers ! We are certainly not ‘skint’ or ‘struggling for money’ this is definitely not said ‘advive’

How much did your partner save on prep for maternity leave?

@firstbubbadue maternity pay is crap! Fortunately I realised that with my first and started saving when we were TTC as I wanted to make sure I could have the full year off this time. I've saved a lot but now I've started MAT leave my partner will transfer an extra £XXX into the joint account which will accumulate and cover bills for the 3 months I will be unpaid (And I normally earn almost triple his wage). Money is a sensitive subject, I don't think people on here are trying to be mean (assuming that's how you feel because you've said it doesn't feel like advice) but when you have children and one of you is not working it requires a different view of your finances.

When I go back to work I will be paying for childcare, because as I said I earn the most so my OH doesn't begrudge paying extra now- he will also pay for the majority of the food bills and petrol when I am not earning because he knows it's what helps the family. We have definitely learned from our mistakes last time though (when I could only afford 6 months off) and know the benefit of being able to take the full time.

Well, if you are not in any way skint or struggling for money, you may find your super stress is relieved by reframing how you handle money as a household. As the vast majority of PP have suggested, once you have kids it's a lot fairer and easier to consider all money family money, and have equal fun money pots for the two of you. YMMV.
Or, go back to work early and carry on having much less financial freedom than your fiancée because you earn less than he does, but note that this is a decision the two of you are making about how you share money.
You are unlikely to get much company having a moan, given that there is an obvious solution to your issue.

If your partner isn’t expecting you to contribute at the same level then the issue is your mindset.

You have a child now, you’re a family. Your money should be shared equally and you should have equal access.

Even if you don’t have a joint account you should have equal ‘power’ fiscally speaking.

We have a joint account and personal accounts. We pool money, pay joint bills, contribute to joint savings and then split the remainder for personal spending.

A version of this is probably what you need.

”I have tried to cut down on things like food shopping and going without for things for myself”

”We are certainly not ‘skint’ or ‘struggling for money’”

So you’re not struggling for money but you’re cutting down on food shopping, going without and are “super stressed”.

Ok.

By you being on maternity leave you are saving your partner the cost of a full time nanny.

Fair and equal are not the same. My DH and I have both been SAHPs at different points - should we have spent nothing during those periods? I earn more but since having children we both work equally hard and pool our money.

You are home to look after your shared child, and the drop in your earnings is your shared responsibility. It's not good for you or your baby to be living on the financial edge while he is in comfort.

Op reread your opening pot. People are responding to what you have written and you are redrawing it with each new reply.

You said your are stressed, cutting back on food and going without. You feel like he would resent you asking for money.

You have been given good advice so that he will not feel any resentment or so that you don't feel that he would resent you and it's starts with talking to him. You don't sound like you will take any advice on board.

No point getting married if you can't talk about your finances together.

Reframing it not redrawing it.

Since my DH moved into the house which I owned we have put all money into one pot, paid our bills and shared or saved the rest. (He never left after the third date! He was 19 and I was 21)

I used to earn more than him, then when I was on mat pay he earned 5 x me! Still we shared money. As we are a family unit. And before baby we were a team! Now were on similar money but the same applies. All money into one pot and then we save and share the rest. We don't count who has what and when. It's our money so we take as we want.

Especially if you're getting married I would reconsider how you spread your finances. You shouldn't be this stressed xX