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Original poster

ABIU- Maintenance for older children

26 replies

newbeginning18 · 05/02/2019 16:50

Please can I request advice. STBXH has a job pays between 1.5-2K per month. two kids aged 22 (at UNI) 15 year old. Left got a 1 bed flat. Pays £50 a week rent.
I pay £120 a week rent for a house for 15yr old and 22 year old at weekends when she comes home from Uni. Child maintenance calculator tells me £250 a month. This barely covers dinner money for the younger one. The older girl is going through University and works to help out but next year is doing finals and cannot do that. I work as well but feel he is paying the bare minimum while I carry the emotional fallout of a separation and the financial burden

OP posts:

Ramdogs · 05/02/2019 16:58

Wow! Where does your youngest go for dinner?

Everytimeref · 05/02/2019 17:00

Sorry but your ex won't have to pay maintenance for the 22 year old.

PoffleWaffle · 05/02/2019 17:01

Yeah it's not enough but the cms calculator isn't fair sadly.

PoffleWaffle · 05/02/2019 17:02

Sorry but your ex won't have to pay maintenance for the 22 year old.

My dad pays maintenance for my sisters who are both at uni. My mum still has to keep a roof over their heads and feed and clothe them during the holidays, plus when they come home at weekends.

Ramdogs · 05/02/2019 17:06

CMS won't make him pay CM for a 22 year old so £250 for one child is not too bad. It's more than a lot of other parents would get for one child.

frazzledasarock · 05/02/2019 17:12

CMS Is woefully inadequate, I thin kalso the attitudes of well my ex doesn’t pay anything so count yourself lucky contributes to the attitude that we should be greatful for scraps.

I fully expect ex to stop paying CMS as soon as humanly possible! It is crap but for now there’s nothing that can be done.

Personally I see it as ex’s loss as he’ll get exactly what he’s put into his relationship with our children ie nothing.

Small comfort for now, you will need to budget with what you are getting and get ready for the money for your youngest to stop soon too.

It’s unfortunate you’re ex is a shit, but then that’s probably why he’s an ex.

PoffleWaffle · 05/02/2019 17:13

thin kalso the attitudes of well my ex doesn’t pay anything so count yourself lucky contributes to the attitude that we should be greatful for scraps

Completely agree.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 05/02/2019 17:15

Can't the 22 year old ask her dad for help herself? She's old enough to understand your income and expenses, and understand how much you can give her. She can go to her dad and ask, as his child, will he help her.

punishmepunisher · 05/02/2019 17:15

£250 a month for lunches?!?!

okokokok · 05/02/2019 17:19

Could she go to his house every other weekend to be fed and watered etc. I think your child who is at uni needs to get a part time job. Plus your youngest could take a pack up!

Original poster

newbeginning18 · 05/02/2019 17:20

Sorry when I say dinner money wasn't being specific - lunches / after school activities / pocket money / other bits and bobs

OP posts:

TearingUpMyHeart · 05/02/2019 17:21

Yes, it's shit, and I completely agree with above posters that societal acceptance of this is terrible as well.

My personal solution depends on goodwill. We both pay, plus I pay cb and ctc, into an account I use solely for expenses for the kids. When it runs low, we both top up. I share the bank statements and receipts so he can see what I spend on.

Otherwise, what can you do?? Make it clear to both parent and child that it is inadequate. A good dad would pay more than bare minimum, if he could afford it, imo.

TokenGinger · 05/02/2019 17:21

Your 22 year old is an adult so it's up to her to finance herself. If you've agreed to support her at home, that's your choice, not STBXH.

Re: the 15 year old, I think £250 is fine for one child.

Your STBXH will also have bills and everything else to pay, just like you, but has to pay £250 out to you, too. You should be contributing equally to your son, so £250 a month, plus child benefit of £80 a month makes £680 a month towards one child. I think that should feed and clothe him.

duckling84 · 05/02/2019 17:24

Cms wont pay for 22yr old as she can get a job at weekends/holidays and doesn't have to come home. If he wants to help out he can support directly and not through you.
£250 for one child at home seems ok, but maybe if you are struggling then look at your outgoings. £250 a month on lunches seems excessive. Based on 31 days a month, that's £8 per day for a lunch! Insane.

TearingUpMyHeart · 05/02/2019 17:27

Feed, clothe, and house @TokenGinger

Ops ex has opted out of the housing part with the one bed flat - saving himself £70 a week on the ops rent - pretty much the entire amount he pays in cm actually ...

I guess op could downsize to a 2 bed - would that be cheaper, op?

ems137 · 05/02/2019 17:35

tearingup - are you comfortable sharing bank statements showing what you spend money on for the kids? It strikes me as extremely controlling on exes part.

OP I get where you're coming from. Both of mine will be at high school in September and bus fare alone will cost £80 a month!

TearingUpMyHeart · 05/02/2019 17:41

Yeah, it wouldn't work for everyone. It's just spending on kids, so nothing controversial, and ex doesn't really look at them either. The plus side is it is very transparent - but I do expect 50:50 meeting of costs for that.

Mondaytiredeyes · 05/02/2019 17:46

My 16 DSS is at ours 4 nights a week (over the weekend) bus fare, dinners and a bit of pocket money apart he doesn’t cost a huge amount on a day to day basis. Clothes are funded through birthday and Christmas money, plus a top up twice a year. He has expensive test so has to fund the rest himself. Food wise it’s just part and parcel of the weekly shop? I would think £250, £50 a week would more than cover bus fare dinners etc.

In terms of your older DD she has to ask your ex for money if she needs it, my parents didn’t fund my time at uni. I had a job, even in my final year... I’m sure she will still want to go on nights out weekly... so If she can do that she can deffo keep down a job!!

punishmepunisher · 05/02/2019 18:25

It is shit. Of course he should be helping the 22yo old if she asks him directly, but I don't think he should have to pay CS for her.

Tbf most final year student have to continue to work to support themselves. I had 2 jobs working 30hrs a week because my parents could not have afforded to finance me.

TokenGinger · 06/02/2019 08:14

@TearingUpMyHeart I disagree with the housing. She'd be paying for housing regardless of whether the children was there so has a responsibility to pay for that herself.

A contribution towards the utility bills, yes, but that's still covered in the £580 they should both be contributing towards that one chid.

TearingUpMyHeart · 06/02/2019 08:19

It's in the op's first post though. The cost of a 1 bed vs the cost of a house. If both parents decided to just house themselves, where is the 15 year old supposed to live? The op could just be paying £50 a week for her housing, and £250 a month for her youngest. If that leaves her better off, then costs are not split evenly.

(Apart from it perhaps being cheaper to downsize to a 2 bed - it might not be much cheaper, op would need to clarify)

19lottie82 · 06/02/2019 08:25

Your husbands contributoon sounds like the legal minimum for the 15 yo, he is under no obligation to help pay for the 22 yo, unfortunately. But surely they can get a loan / bursary towards living expenses, even in their final year?

19lottie82 · 06/02/2019 08:31

Sorry I just read the 22 yo lives independently so needs to pay rent.
I understand it may be tight but I don’t understand why she can’t work in her final year, unless it’s a very demanding course like medicine? Can she go to her university finance office and see if there are any hardship funds or extra bursaries avaliable?

I’m not sticking up for your ex at all BUT if he’s only clearing 1.5k pa and living alone, he may not be able at afford to pay any more. I can’t imagine there would be much left after rent, bills, a car (?), potentially debt repayments (?) and CMS?

Are you able to claim child tax credits for the 15 yo?

TearingUpMyHeart · 06/02/2019 08:32

I get that it is the legal minimum btw. I expected more of my ex and he lived up to my expectations. A lot of men do. Some are deadbeats and see it as 'winning' when they walk away better off. Honestly, I think the legal minimum is set too low and the system is propped up by ctc/uc instead, but that's another rant ...

HSMMaCM · 06/02/2019 09:19

Does your 22 year old get the full maintenance grant? If DD could get the full grant, it would cover her rent and food.

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