Husband has gone from dependable bloke to one who goes out till early hours of morning at weekend. He is looking for love elsewhere and yet refusing to acknowledge that he has been having an affair, refused to go to counselling and refused to go to mediation. Proper head in the sand. Been 11 months since I discovered his affair. This affair ended just before Christmas, but that was due to something between them, not because he wanted to come back to me. So fact not done anything yet probably means I have my head in the sand as well. Should add it's not that he no longer wanted me, he was happy to have sex with me, just wanted something more.
Living in marital home, in separate rooms since discovered the affair with the exception of 1 month in middle of all this. We have 3 DCs teenagers aged 15 and under.
I owned small 2 bed flat before we married. This was remortgage to get deposit for marital home and then remortgaged again for a 1 bed flat we got 2 years ago. I pay service charge bills & mortgages for all flats & all utility bills in marital home. He has been buying food for all of us. Not a fair split but I used to have bigger income than him, tables turned and for past 2 years he has bigger income but not contributing any more to household.
So what do I want? I want him to start paying 50/50 for everything to do with house but - if it goes to divorce - want to check that this will not negate the fact I have paid for pretty much everything over past 14 years.
Both flats are mortgaged up to the hilt with interest only mortgages so there is not much equity there,. but it still gives us options, for which I am grateful.
Am thinking we should take it in turns staying in the 1 bed we jointly own. I do 1 week there a month and 3 at marital home and he does the reverse. I don’t like idea of sharing flat and house as living spaces but know staying in the home they have grown up in and having the parents move between 2 places would give kids a lot more stability. Initially thought he would move out of house and I would give him the 2 bed that was mine before we married. All properties are within 10 min walk of each other. Realised this was not such a good set up for the kids though in terms of lugging their belonging’s back and forth.
He has said he wants 50% of everything and 50% of childcare but other than booking them a holiday this year doesn’t really spend any time with them. I think best way to show that can’t work is to try 50/50 split of childcare for a couple of months to prove the point rather than arguing over it. But don’t want to make kids suffer unnecessarily. Although when spoke to kids they didn’t seem to upset by idea of doing 50/50 split of time between two of us. Didn’t tell them they could do a 70/30 split as thought this might seem like I was trying to steer them/pressure them. Now that I write this it seems silly, as all I am doing is telling them about different options. He was a” hands on Dad” for first 12 years that we had kids, but hasn’t been for the past 3 years. I am major carer and the idea of being away from them for more than a week makes me feel sad. Gut feeling is that it would be destabilising for kids as he doesn't have such a good relationship with them.
Feel very conflicted as am sure he is going through a midlife crisis, not sure myself that want a divorce, as relationship was once very beautiful but we seem unable to communicate with each other anymore. Feel we are slowly heading towards divorce like a small boat heading down river towards a waterfall.
If divorce gets underway he will probably see financial benefits of going to mediation. I do want to sort out him paying his part financially. Should I apply to the CSA and see how that affects things before starting a divorce or do you have t be filing for divorce in order to apply to the CSA?
Going back to the legal stuff, we Have a “deed of trust” in place that give me back my deposits on both flat and house purchased since we married. Been for one session of legal advice and although “deeds of trust “ say marital home is ¾ mine and ¼ his and flat is 50/50 they hinted these legal docs may only be worth anything if we got hostile which I don’t really understand.