Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Flip

Original poster

Mum always asking for money a d putting me down

21 replies

Mrsb2018 · 31/12/2018 19:27

Hi everyone, not sure if this is the right place to talk about this, but it's getting to a point where I'm feeling so low :( my mum keeps constantly asking to lend money from me and my partner. She's been doing it to me and got me into debt since I was 18! (I'm now 29) if I don't lend her money which she never actually pays back she gets really nasty with me! Me and my partner have our own bills to pay and children to look after but for some reason my mum thinks we have money coming our of ears when we really don't! I've had to pay her a total of £150 to baby sit for us on 2 occasions just so me and my partner could have some us time. We have a 10 year old 8 year old and 4 month old. I suffered with pnd after my 4 month old was born and my mum offered to help on the basis that I paid her, so I felt like I didn't have a choice because I really needed a bit of help! She constantly asks how much my partners been paid for his wages and always asks if I recived maintenance from my older 2 dad! She comes round my house and tells me I'm fat and still look pregnant amongst other things! I'm at my wits end I know she's my mum but I absolutely hate her and o just don't want to be near her ever again. I don't know what to do anymore :(

OP posts:

dementedpixie · 31/12/2018 19:29

Tell her to 'fuck off' and say the bank is now closed

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 31/12/2018 19:31

She's abusive to you OP. If you go over to the Relationships board, there's a thread on there called Stately Homes, where othere people who have horrid parents post. Ideally you would find the strength to say you weren't in a position to give her money, which is sounds like you aren't. I realise this is easier said than done.

mumonashoestring · 31/12/2018 19:32

You're paying her to help? Great, that means you can pay someone else and tell the poisonous old boot to fuck off.

Seriously, you and your DH need to have a good chat about what help you need and what you can afford to pay, then start looking for a cleaner, or home help or whatever it is you need so you can cut ties with your mother and stop letting her use and bully you.

vilamoura2003 · 31/12/2018 19:33

I'm sorry but it sounds to me like you need to cut this lady from your life. It sounds like an abusive relationship. You can get a nice young girl or boy to babysit for you for £5/£6 per hour to be able to still have a night out.

I hope you find the strength in 2019 to not let people take advantage of you 💐

Incaseofemergencybreakglass · 31/12/2018 19:33

I'm not surprised you hate her. We often put up with such rubbish from parents that we would never tolerate from anyone else. You need to start setting boundaries and learning to say no. Agree with your partner and do it as a team. No more sharing of financial info. No more loans. No is a complete sentence but if you want to soften it a bit, say sorry no we can't do that. No reason required.

cheesywotnots · 31/12/2018 19:34

One of you needs to say to her that you can no longer lend her money, why does she ask, does she have money of her own coming in, when is just being rude. Do you feel strong enough to ask her not to call you for a while. Do you have family to support you.

HollowTalk · 31/12/2018 19:37

I think what you should do is ask if you can borrow off her. Ask her regularly - she'll soon go away. If she gets in first, say, "Oh no, I was just going to ask if you could lend me some. I'm skint."

Don't give her another penny. Your money is for your own family.

Original poster

Mrsb2018 · 31/12/2018 19:37

I don't know why but I feel guilty if I don't lend her it. I've spoken to my dad because she lends it from me behind his back and I've told him about it, and he's gone absolutely mad at her but she just doesn't care. I've told her this evening to politely f off because she asked for some of my children's maintenance money. She's said she wants some money from me because I only brought her 2 Xmas presents and she baisicly doesn't like them even though she picked them out 🤔

OP posts:

dementedpixie · 31/12/2018 19:39

Could you start not answering calls?

Original poster

Mrsb2018 · 31/12/2018 19:40

My mum refuses to work I have no idea why. My dad works but she seems to think that everyone else should financially support her.

OP posts:

mumonashoestring · 31/12/2018 19:40

I don't know why but I feel guilty if I don't lend her it

Which is precisely why you need to find the 'stately homes' thread - there are plenty of people on there who have the same kind of relationships with parents and can help you unpick what's going on here and how to start freeing yourself from it.

Original poster

Mrsb2018 · 31/12/2018 19:42

I booked her before and she turned up at my house drunk during the night and made my children really upset with the things she was saying. Sound dramatic but I've told my partner we need to move!

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrsb2018 · 31/12/2018 19:43

Thank you I'll go on there now x

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 31/12/2018 19:45

You could pay a nursery nurse to babysit cheaper than your paying your mother

HollowTalk · 31/12/2018 19:51

She sounds really awful. I would tell your dad everything.

slashlover · 31/12/2018 19:59

I don't know why but I feel guilty if I don't lend her it.

Think of it this way, she's got you into debt. She's hurt your ability to look after your kids by doing this.

If she wasn't your mum then you'd have no problem with telling her no and cutting her out of your life, she's taking advantage of you being so nice and giving you and your DC nothing in return.

AdoraBell · 31/12/2018 22:38

Agree you should tell your dad about this, and if she turns up drunk don’t let her in. When she asks what DP is paid tell her it’s no one else’s business. When she asks you for money tell her you are paying off debts caused by giving her money that wasn’t disposable income. If she persists just keep saying No. If she doesn’t like the Christmas presents tell her she can sell them/regift/give them back.

Dogsmellssobadbob · 31/12/2018 22:43

OP you know this is a really dysfunctional relationship and you need to end it

Tell your dad you will not be seeing her anymore and then stick to it

Block her number, don’t answer her calls and if she turns up say ‘I don’t feel seeing you is beneficial to me or my family so pls don’t come over again’ and shut the door

You absolutely have to stop this happening before she destroys you and your kids

Cornishclio · 31/12/2018 23:02

I think I would cease contact with her. No more lending or giving her money. Pay a babysitter if you want to go out.

Original poster

Mrsb2018 · 01/01/2019 03:44

I have told my dad and he's gone absolutely mental at her but just continues to ask. I'm at the point where I want to move out of the county that I'm in because o know she won't travel far to see me. She doesn't like travelling long distances

OP posts:

Weenurse · 01/01/2019 04:23

Move if you can.
Read Captain Awkward for dealing with difficult parents.

If you write there, you will get a script provided for you to to follow.
Say ‘no, that doesn’t work for me’, practice in the mirror if need be.
Good luck

Flip