45k at 30 and my friend says she feels poor. AIBU that this is making me frustrated with her?

[lolagrey]

She has her own house, no kids. Lives in a UK city, not London.

She constantly mentions not being able to afford certain things and how she should be on a higher salary.

Argh. Am I being unfair that this frustrates me?!

Poor is clearly the wrong word but £45k with one tax free allowance and a sizeable mortgage (I think you said she’s in London?) isn’t going to be enough to have loads of luxuries which she clearly wants.

I was earning a bit more than that at that age and my disposable income wasn’t huge. I was paying my parents back for the deposit for my house though so that on top of my mortgage was a fair amount before anything else. Obviously living alone you have 100% of the bills to pay too.

You have no idea what her commitments are. She could have debts or be supporting people she hasn't told you about.

Yes it's annoying but how she spends is none of your business

Sorry you specifically said NOT London. I’m an idiot!

But still plenty of other expensive cities out there. My mortgage in a large city in the SE was about £850 when I was that age I think. And I may have still been paying back my student loan, or I certainly was until my late twenties anyway.

YANBU. She sounds crass and materialistic. She earns a salary not a kick in the arse off double the national average and she’s only young.

She’s not poor. She just doesn’t feel rich.

Saying you are poor and saying you cant afford something are differant.

Paying for a house and all the running costs etc alone is a bigger thing.

If it was a couple each earning 22.5k (below average salary) would you say they where rich?

As the house hold running costs etc would be the same whether theres one or two people there.

Sounds like she might be trying to be a good friend and not brag, boast or make you feel crap by agreeing with you on how hard things are these days.
How she struggles too, not because she does, but because she is trying, in a ham fisted way, to say she is just like you.

Sorry, i am not makimg too much sense, i know what i mean, but struggle to put it into words.

If it was a couple each earning 22.5k (below average salary) would you say they where rich?

And they would be taking home a fair amount more with their 2x personal allowances

But they would be paying for food, travel, clothes, leisure etc for two people. Probably costing a lot more than basic utilities.

Just because she is earning more doesn't always mean she has loads of spare cash. Her outgoings could be a lot higher than you know of so maybe sometimes she is a little stretched. Who are you to judge?

Lifestyle choices whether it’s mortgage size or material purchases will always grate on the more frugal amongst us. I have family members who would quite happily go on a skiing holiday and complain on their return of being skint. Big pinch of salt. If they really meant that they couldn’t pay their bills, I would think that they were idiots and certainly wouldn’t be sympathetic!

A single mum on 45k per year takes home a lot less after tax than a single mum under the benefit threshold.

Hmm.. I'm 30 and don't earn much less than her, I obviously am not 'poor' and I wouldn't complain about it to anyone else but I'm definitely not comfortable either. People with higher salaries also tend to have higher bills.

It's likely all her colleagues are earning as much or more, and if they have partners will have more disposable income than she does. Knowing you have enough money doesn't stop you feeling poor when surrounded by people 40 hours a week assuming you should have a more affluent lifestyle.
If she's a real friend, she'll shut up if it's pointed out, or admit to being daft with money.

Rubbish. I'm single and childless in a reasonably expensive NW city earning just over 30k a year and I manage nicely. May not afford long haul holidays but eat/drink out a couple of times a week, have nice beauty treatments and don't worry about food/bills.
Perfectly doable.

People with higher salaries also tend to have higher bills

Only if they choose to. People on £45k don't need to spend more on electricity, gas, broadband, water etc because they have more money. If it costs more, it's because they have a bigger house, or have the heating on higher, or have faster broadband than standard.

If she feels poor, it is almost certainly because she thinks all the nice things she spends her money on are essentials not luxuries. Hair, nails and trips away have been mentioned. Anything more than a basic hair cut in a normal not flash salon, and perhaps a supermarket box dye is discretionary, not a basic essential.

I can see how it would be irritating. If she owns her own place, she must be living somewhere the cost of living isn't astronomical. It might well be legitimate for her to complain about being underpaid for what she does, I don't know, but she'd do better to separate that from the issue of whether she actually has enough money or not.

We are the same age but with a combined income of double that and feel poor, mostly I suspect because our friends and colleagues have considerably more. I think it’s one of those things that depends on the people around you more than the absolute numbers.

I can see where you're coming from because to me "poor" is a word that should be reserved for those who are actually poor. It feels like a slap in the face to all those in poverty for someone in your friend's position to use it about themselves. And that's not jealousy, that's just keeping things in perspective.

Of course she can push for more, she can bemoan her latest payrise, she can complain that she can't afford this or that; because it's her life and her worries matter; but that isn't being POOR. And I'd have a problem with her saying it too.

The median income for full time workers is about £29k. She may feel poor but she isn't and my sympathy for her, and other rich people who think that not being the richest means they are poor, is non existent.

Maybe poor is the wrong word but 45k is a take home of approx 2400 after pension etc.
Bear in mind that mortgage / rent could be 600+. Mine used to be 850 plus utilities including phones TV dentist glasses etc can be 500.
Add in travel / car / fuel / any debt repayments/ student loans. Maybe they do feel the pinch..

So? Someone on £29k, repaying a Plan 1 student loan and putting 5% of their salary into a pension gets a take home of around £1,760 They also need to pay rent/ mortgage (and if rent, £600 is a very low figure!), utilities, phones, TV, dentist, glases, travel, fuel, debt repayments etc. I think they'll be feeling much, much more of a 'pinch' than someone bringing in £650 a month more than them.