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Original poster

Charging family petrol money?

50 replies

Winterlover123 · 20/11/2018 16:51

I'm not just talking about one off lifts. My partner is doing regular lifts for my mother in law and I don't work due to panic attacks and depression so money is very tight. My partner doesn't work either, we have our own house and a young child. What are your honest opinions?

OP posts:

InfiniteSheldon · 23/11/2018 06:40

Does he mind? It's his mum after all and does she help you out in other ways?

Zoflorabore · 23/11/2018 06:48

I used to have a friend who's dad charged us £3 for lifts, it was highly embarassing.

The first time she told me I thought she was joking until he picked us up from a class and asked for the money before we even had our seatbelts on. This was only a few years ago.
In comparison my own dad must be owed millions for the lifts over the years, I'm now 40.
Once when I was a teenager, me and my best friend missed the coach home from Alton Towers ( to Liverpool ) and we rang him from their office and he wasn't a bit put out.
If mil is generous to you in other ways then it would be pretty cheeky to ask for money unless it is a case of you being unable to afford basics due to her costing you petrol.

Apart from cheeky fucker dad mentioned above I have never known money to change hands when giving lifts to family. Ever.

pigeondujour · 23/11/2018 06:55

What are your honest opinions?

In the absence of justification otherwise, my honest opinion is that you should both work. If you're able to work unpaid in your mother in law's business, you're able to work to support your child. And you haven't given a good reason for your partner not to work, so he should too.

cushioncuddle · 23/11/2018 07:03

You need to discuss being paid when you work for her. Make it official.
If the lifts are for her work then make that official too.
It seems you are both able to work for her for free but say you can't work.

ourkidmolly · 23/11/2018 07:07

Solution: Both of you pull your fingers out and get to work. Then you're less available for lifts.

BeanBagLady · 23/11/2018 07:08

If he is running her to the hospital for chemo appointments, don’t ask.

Otherwise He just needs to tell her he can’t afford the petrol.

Holidayshopping · 23/11/2018 07:15

You (deliberately?) haven’t given us enough information.

Lots of people will say your DH (and you?) need to get a job and not to charge your mum patrol money as she’s family.

But, if. you gave us the proper details-eg your MIL is a totally cheeky F and has a history of xyz, that would change people’s views. If she was having chemo 4 times a week, so might that. If your DH couldn’t work because of an accident at work that was not his fault and he will never be able to work again, so would that.

Do you see what I mean?

tinstar · 23/11/2018 07:28

Agree with Holiday. The thing is, when you give so little information, people start to imagine their own scenario. On the basis of what you have said, this could be anything from -
a). You and your DH are bone idle, need to sort yourselves out with paid work and stop begrudging a few quid spent on petrol to run MIL to chemo sessions.
To
b). You both have excellent reasons for not working: MIL exploits you by expecting you to work for her without pay; MIL also expects regular lifts to the beauty salon etc

I'm sure neither scenario is true, but people will fill in such gaping gaps themselves so none of the advice you get will be sound or helpful.

Fairylea · 23/11/2018 07:33

I think the context is everything here. As others have said if he’s running her to a chemo or a similar appointment it seems really cruel to ask for petrol money - although on her salary she should perhaps offer. But if it’s just general running her about for chores etc then he needs to say you can afford the petrol and see what she says. Why can’t she learn to drive and / or take herself by taxi or public transport? (I know there isn’t transport everywhere, where we live you literally can’t survive without either access to a car or a taxi!)

Maybe she’s taking advantage a little as she knows he doesn’t work? Without knowing why he doesn’t work it’s impossible to judge it all really!

Fairylea · 23/11/2018 07:33

*cant afford

Alfie190 · 23/11/2018 07:47

As you choose to be deliberately secretive (this is a forum, we don't know you anyway so "too personal" is stupid!), then based on what you have said you are a couple of work shy parents that need to sort yourselves out, get back to work (panic attacks do not justify not working) and then you won't be available for lifts. Maybe MIL asks for them because she thinks he should not be lazing around 24/7.

PerfectlyGoodAtBeingBad · 23/11/2018 07:55

I think people are being unfairly harsh on the OP. You don't know why the partner doesn't work and the OP has bad mental health!!
Yes I would charge petrol money. 5k a month compared to benefits....
When my DF takes me anywhere I contribute towards his petrol because he's a pensioner. He knows he's helping me out by taking me food shopping (rural) and picking the DCs up but he's not got a lot of money. It would cost me more in bus fares and taxi fares so why wouldn't I?

moolady1977 · 23/11/2018 08:00

While I'm learning to drive my dad is always giving me lifts to place, I always offer fuel money he has never taken it but I always offer, I think it's a bit cheeky to not even offer. If things really are that tight then yeah I suppose asking for fuel money to run people around, even family is acceptable

pigeondujour · 23/11/2018 08:05

You don't know why the partner doesn't work and the OP has bad mental health!!

Meh. The information the OP's given demonstrates that those of us who do work are paying for her and her partner to prop up her MIL's £5k a month earnings. If OP doesn't want us to draw that conclusion, she knows what to do.

RestingBitchFaced · 23/11/2018 08:13

If it's a regular thing them yes she should pay some petrol money, why should it come out of your money? How many miles a week are we talking?

SorryBaby · 23/11/2018 08:23

Meh. The information the OP's given demonstrates that those of us who do work are paying for her and her partner to prop up her MIL's £5k a month earnings. If OP doesn't want us to draw that conclusion, she knows what to do.*

I concur.

RB68 · 23/11/2018 08:25

How would she gt there otherwise is also a consideration.

I see no problem with askig her for a contribution at the end of the day whilst its kinder to be able to this its not kind to accept it when you guys are at rock bottom. As to the get a job brigade - get a job to pay for your own mothers demands??? Get a life people and try to understand what it is like to count every mile in the car because of the high cost of petrol

SorryBaby · 23/11/2018 08:46

As to the get a job brigade - get a job to pay for your own mothers demands??? Get a life people and try to understand what it is like to count every mile in the car because of the high cost of petrol

I think I speak for most when I say the OP should get a job to pay for more than just petrol. How about rent, food, clothes, utilities, hobbies, days out for the little one, I could go on....... ie- REAL LIFE!!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/11/2018 08:52

The thing is I don't let people babysit my child as it makes my anxiety absolutely hell. I'm always at home so I always have my child with me 😏

You really need to work on that. I know that it will be hard; probably worse than hard initially, but for your child's benefit they need some freedom and independence and room to grow. You could well cause all sorts of issues for your child if they never get to learn that it's okay to be away from you and they are still fine.

Maybe getting MiL to take them for an hour or so at first and slowly building up would be a good idea; and a trade off for some of the petrol money? You may not want the time at first and you may well just be sadly waiting for your child to return but you'll both get more used to it as time goes on.

PoisonousSmurf · 23/11/2018 08:57

Drip feeding. Must be a fake thread. Who on earth drives a richer person around? Even if they are family. He should call himself a chauffeur and get paid as such!
Sounds like the OP's partner needs to stand up for himself!

mummmy2017 · 23/11/2018 09:08

Why are people making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Hey mum do you mind giving me x for petrol as we are very short of money right now...
Nice mum.. Hell no son pull into the garage and fill her up...
My daughter wanted me to do a 500 mile round trip for her... Laughed told her OK, your doing petrol.

Spam88 · 23/11/2018 10:04

Sometimes threads on Mumsnet take a very strange direction... I don't know why everyone is assuming you're both perfectly able to work and just too lazy not to and that's not the question anyway.

Assuming he's making special journeys just for her, id ask for money. It doesn't need to me a difficult conversation - 'I'd love to keep helping you out but we just can't afford the petrol/wear and tear. If you can cover those costs then I'm happy to carry on helping out, but otherwise I'm not going to be able to'.

LIZS · 23/11/2018 10:13

If p had a job he would not be so available for lifts. Op what support are you getting for your anxiety, you cannot be with your child 100% indefinitely that is not good for either of you. When is he due to start school for example. Do you drive or could you learn, then the car is unavailable. Shortterm yes he should fill up when on these runs and ask her to pay.

BarbaraofSevillle · 23/11/2018 13:00

Charging his own mum petrol would be awful, how selfish

But she earns a lot of money and they are on benefits. The MIL is a grade A CF if she expects to be driven round for free in the circumstances.

I know the OP doesn't want to say why her DP can't work, but an obvious solution seems to be for the MIL to pay her son to be a casual driver/assistant so pay him for his time and proper expenses for the cost of running a car. Otherwise she is effectively taking food out of her DGCs mouths. Who's the selfish one now?

TheBigBangRocks · 23/11/2018 18:02

an obvious solution seems to be for the MIL to pay her son to be a casual driver/assistant so pay him for his time and proper expenses for the cost of running a car. Otherwise she is effectively taking food out of her DGCs mouths. Who's the selfish one now

Pay him as a chauffeur for the odd lift to his OWN mother!

As for being selfish, I can't think of a more selfish act than having a child and not support then financially as they are doing.

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