Husband controlling?

[babcatboo]

Hi everyone. My financial situation is, to say the least, starting to get me down. I haven't worked for 6 years since the birth of my first child. I literally have only had child benefit come into my account since then. My husband has never wanted a joint account.. At first fobbing me off saying it'd be complicated because technically his ex wife is still named on the account... More recently claiming that he just didn't have the money (which upsets me because he clearly thinks I'm going to waste his hard earned). Now he's got a new job more money it's just excuse after excuse. He literally gives me bits and bobs here and there whenever I need it but I always have to justify the money I ask for or where it has gone if he's given me a sum. I rarely go without but sometimes I worry about having nothing in my account because I'm unable to buy emergency groceries etc if he's not around. I try not to ask him for money because it's a faff. I am starting to think he's very controlling but not in a deliberate or nasty way. He just can't relenquish that control. He doesn't even give me money for the weekly shop in "case we can't afford it". He's on a decent wage and it's not like we have struggled much even with me not working and the 3 kids. I'm just not sure how to approach this or make him see how utterly powerless and infantile this makes me feel 😔

You ask the question in your title. Having been through it, I would say yes, he's financially controlling.

Can't you ask him to put a set amount in your account each week/ month? At least then you won't have to ask him all the time for money. It's difficult as a SAHM as you don't have an income so it should be shared. Me and my husband don't have a joint account, but if I needed money (working part time now but sometimes still short) he puts it in my account no questions asked, I don't have to justify it and he refers to it as 'our money'
See what his reaction to that is, and you might get your answer. Are you able to go back to work at all? It is annoying if you don't need to though, especially with young kids

Maybe he is worried you'd overspend or maybe he thinks you should be working.

Whatever the reason you are clearly not on the same wavelength so you both need to start being honest with each other to move forward.

I wouldn’t be happy with this situation. How are you supposed to manage on the child benefit? How do you buy food shopping? Does he have to be with you or do you get it delivered and he pays? What about children’s clothing etc?

I am a sahm atm and dh puts a set amount in my account every month which covers the food shopping, my petrol, phone bill, the children’s clubs and clothing etc. And enough left over so that I can buy presents, take the kids out, go for coffee with friends etc, various bills as they crop up like mot etc. A joint account wouldn’t work for us for various reasons but this does.

You need to find something that works for you but this situation doesn’t seem right. When I left work after my second was born because we both decided that was right for our family for the moment, I said I wouldn’t be asking him for money. So we worked out what I would need so that I never need to ask him for money. I can earn my own money, this was a joint decision to stay at home. You shouldn’t have to justify your spending or ask for money for any little thing.

A lot of people seem to subtract the household bills from their income and then divide what is left in half for personal spending. Would that work for you? Will he have any discussion about how to make this fair?

He's remarried so why on earth is his ex-wife named on his account? Does she have ready access to his money?