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Original poster

moving in with widowed father?

17 replies

mikehorne · 26/10/2018 00:09

my mum died a few days ago and left my dad a widower, they have a large house with no mortgage, it was the house I grew up in and has many memories for my parents and me.

my dad is 83 an in good health, we are considering the future and his wellbeing and security in a large house, he does not want to move and has suggested we sell our house and become mortgage and debt free my wife agrees this would be good as she is by trade a carer, my 9yr old loves the idea.

potential minefield? can anyone give guidance, my suggestion was seek professional advice.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 26/10/2018 00:15

Think you have to be careful if he ever needs to go into nursing home etc and paying for his fees. As he owns the house that would be taken into account. I know they won't make you sell if you have a partner there, just put a charge on the property. Not sure what happens if there are other family members living there.

Do you have any siblings?

Want2bSupermum · 26/10/2018 00:17

You need to look at buying the home. He is 83. It needs to be sold at a reasonable market rate for the care home costs not to be placed on you. Speak to a lawyer who specializes in this area.

Original poster
mikehorne · 26/10/2018 00:19

its just my wife, me and my 9yr old, I have no brothers or sisters

OP posts:
Bluewidow · 26/10/2018 00:27

Firstly I think you should leave it a while before making any big decisions. You need to see a solicitor as should he need a care home and you don’t buy that home, my understanding is that house would need to be sold to pay for his care. As pp has said needs to be sold at market value as otherwise would be seen as avoiding cost towards care.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 26/10/2018 00:32

Yes if he needs to go into a care home his fees will have to be paid. It won't matter that you live there as I'm almost certain that you and your family don't fit the criteria that would mean the house would be excluded from his assets.
Your father most likely couldn't give you the house as it may be seen as giving his assets away to avoid paying for fees given his age and that he may soon need care but it may depend on how healthy he is atm.
Get legal advice before you do anything.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 26/10/2018 00:34

However if both you and your wife are totally able and willing to look after your father and not need a care home then yes it will work.

Dancingtothemusicoftime · 26/10/2018 10:08

OP, this sounds a lovely idea and although I agree you should take legal advice, please don't discount it on the basis of potential future care home fees, and all the more so if your wife has professional experience in this field.

People over the generations have done just this and although there can be challenges, it can also be immensely rewarding and create wonderful memories.

As your father is currently in good health, it may be worth while your discussing options with a solicitor in respect of Inheritance Tax etc. For instance if your father gifts his home to you and you move in with him, the house will remain as part of his estate but there are perfectly legal ways to minimise the tax due. Alternatively, if your father gifts half of the house to you and you split the bills evenly , your half of the house will not be subject to IHT if your father survives at least seven years after making the gift. There is a lot of helpful, clearly laid out information about Inheritance Tax on the GOV.UK website.

In respect of potential care home fees, you could consider taking out an insurance policy or annuity to cover these but again you need specialist advice.

Best of luck!

ineedaholidaynow · 26/10/2018 10:34

Does your wife work at the moment? If your father gets to the point where he needs care and he wants to stay in the house, will your wife give up work to look after him?

Original poster
mikehorne · 26/10/2018 11:18

I work a 3 on 3 off shift roster, my wife works part time (16.5 hours per week) the idea is for my wife to become a carer, along with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
mikehorne · 26/10/2018 11:19

yes my wife will give up work.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 26/10/2018 11:23

What happens if the house becomes unsuitable for him and he wants/ is forced to move somewhere smaller and more accessible? He may not want to give up the house, but think ahead a few years to how things will pan out as he gets less steady on his feet and when adaptations may need to be made to the house.

Original poster
mikehorne · 26/10/2018 11:32

the house has been made mobility easy, as my late mum was partially blind, she had a stairlift installed with other disability aids also installed in a bathroom, so technically the house is ready for my dads progressing years.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 26/10/2018 11:53

Would your dad be happy for his DIL to carry out personal care, if that became necessary?

Will your dad be ok with 9 year old permanently in the house, with potential of groups of lively children visiting. My DM is in her 80s. She loves DS(13), but couldn't cope with a group of teenagers in her house.

Original poster
mikehorne · 26/10/2018 12:43

there would be restrictions on kids visiting, my dad is happy with the arrangements that we are discussing regarding to personal care.

OP posts:
SilverViking · 26/10/2018 13:27

You need to think about how you, as a family, will cope practically...

  • Do you have seperate space in the house where your dad can have as his own, or you and your family can have space
  • do you have space on the house to do your own thing (chill and relax or to go to cool down),
  • are you really prepared to have soneone lice with you 24/7 ... so you and the family get asked many times a day where you are going, what you will be doing and when you will be back
  • do you have plans in place to give yourselves regular breaks and time together as a family
  • are you prepared that your home is not your home... and there can be regular visitors and callers over which you have no control

We have mil living here, and it can be very difficult. She does need care now, but still able to walk with an aid. So all food needs to be provided for her.
It helps that mil has a seperate room to live and sleep in. This gives her and us our own space ... that everyone needs.
There are carers come in while we are at work for breakfast and lunch calls.

It was very difficult at the start, and at times can be stressful. It helps hugely to have a break, just to have time as a family again (bil and sil take her for a weekend at least once per month).
Mil has improved greatly from she moved in, and it had been the best thing for her. It has been great for us to be able to do it and pay back all the help from ovet the years and for our children to really get to know their grandmother.

Don't walk into it with your eyes closed, have your own space and time. Because once you start you will not be able to change the arrangement (bar medical needs). However it can be rewarding for everyone.

Original poster
mikehorne · 26/10/2018 15:04

although the house is a large 4 bedroom detached with large garden, the plan is for a large conservatory and maybe summer house/games room at the top of the garden, one thing that was mentioned between us was our own personal space.

we think we have all eventualities covered, after reading this we shall be taking the advice from a family solicitor, we need to be 100% sure.

OP posts:
flirtygirl · 26/10/2018 21:56

This idea sounds great op, discuss the interview implications and get personal space sorted but I think your dad may well prefer this to any option that would include a care home.

My mum is far younger but is getting over cancer and we have discussed this for her later years.

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