Is this wrong?

[smallme]

I've been with my DP 10 years and we have 2 DC together.
When we first moved in together my DP took over the finances as I was awful with money, spending before bills were paid etc. Even though I work FT, If I've wanted to buy something (non essential) over a certain amount normally £10 then I ask my partner if I can buy it as I don't want to spend money we don't have. My family think this is wrong and he is controlling me. I must say that my wages are paid in to my bank and I always have my card with me and my DP also checks with me when buying something for himself. I don't see this as controlling as I'm happy for him to have 'control' if you can call it that. I know where all the money goes and I'm always buying things here and there, last week a handbag, not because i needed this but because I wanted it.
Do you think this is wrong?

Are you truly happy with the arrangement? Does he say no when you know you could afford it?
If he is being sensible and fair and it works for you then it’s your business. Anything over £10 though, that must be most of your purchases. I’d just be splitting transactions

I am, sometimes I get embarrassed if people ask me somewhere and I'm like oh let me just ask my DP but it works for us. Yes £10 seems small but we've only recently got back on our feet after budgeting for a while. Thank you

If it’s helped you get back on your feet, then as long as you are both happy with it, it really is no one’s business but yours.

If it works for you, then fine.

But I would try to make sure you're also on top of your finances. Two women I'm related to left things to their Hs. One discovered that he had a gambling issue only when the house was repossessed. She had no idea that the finances were in a terrible state.

The other's (lovely) DH died, horribly suddenly, and she didn't have a clue how much money they had/ who his life insurance was with/ when the bills were due. It made an already stressful time so much more difficult.

Hopefully nothing like this would happen to you, but being so dependent on your DH does make you vulnerable.

So if you asked for £250 to go & buy clothes & shoes tomorrow, how quickly would you get it?

I could never, ever be in this position. And if you are happy with it then I think you need to grow up - you aren’t a child asking their parent for money.

Whatever works for you as a couple.
I refused a joint bank account for over 10 years but we now have joint sccounts. I hate asking permission to spend money but I now discuss purchases over £500 - 1000 depending on how I am feeling.

I spoke to an elderly lady recently and she said she discussed all purchases over £100.

£10 seems bit low but if you are now In a better position financially it must be working for you.

This doesn't seem a bad relationship issue. It works for you both.

But as an adult you need to start taking control of your own spending and finances. It is like anything - you can divide it up as you want in a partnership but each person should be able to make a fist at the other person's work too. For example, I do most of the cooking because I love cooking but dh could cook if it came to it - he isn't clueless.

Also if you are out and someone suggests doing something that costs over 10 pounds, do you really say "hang on and I'll check with dh". That really isn't accurate is it? that sounds like he gets to decide whereas you are really just asking him if there is money for you to spend. You should say "hang on and I'll check my bank balance - things are tight right now". no wonder your family think he is controlling - you are making it sound like he decides what you spend but what is actually happening is you use him as a financial controller to save yourself the bother. tbh if I were your dh, I'd not be happy with this picture.

We have separate accounts but consult with each other on larger purchases. I don't see anything wrong with how you're doing it.

DW was like you when we got together. She wanted 'permission' to spend and for me to run the finances and just 'give' her money. I told her to bugger off.

She's learnt to check bank statements and hold off on that thing she wants when we can't afford it. Occasionally she slips and we end up having a row about why we are suddenly in the red. I see this as a small price for not having to act like a blooming parent to her over money.

You can have whatever relationship you wish, and it's great you both discuss things and plan finances; but for me it would feel a little infantilising.

So you ask your OH for permission before going out with friends? That's crazy! Are you an adult? If one of my friends said this, I'd be worried for them.

If you are bad with money management then it's a very wise thing to do. Money issues alone can kill a committed relationship.

Maybe it would be good though to gradually take a it more control as the ultimum position is for you to be able to control your spending yourself.

I pay half the bills so I do manage money now and I know what comes out of my bank and when. Maybe I still do ask as I'm just so use to doing it but it's never a no unless I forget a big bill etc. Maybe I do need to 'grow up'. Thank you for all your replies

What would be better would be to work out how much money you can spend freely each week/month, move it to a separate account from your bills account and then just use that for your own personal spending.

The £10 rule is illogical, because someone who spends £9.90 on crap every day will waste more money than someone who makes the occaisional bigger purchase.

Do you both earn about the same? If so, splitting the bills 50/50 is fine, but if one of you earns more, you should also pay more, so you end up with the same amount of spending money.

The fairest way is to get all income paid into one account and pay all essential bills, food, work travel, DCs expenses and savings for annual and irregular expenses from that and then split what is left between you and DP and move this personal spending money to a separate account so you can spend it on whatever you like, whether it is frequent small purchases, or a bigger expense. Stick to this amount and then you can't overspend.

it sounds like it's working for you, and your DH has the same "restrictions".

however, like a PP said.. make sure he writes down who your financial accounts are with/key information just in case he was ever ill, incapacitated or unavailable. a relative has had no end of issues following an unexpected DH stay in hospital, she had no idea when bills were due or which ones were on direct debits. and because they were all paperless in her DH name, she can't even access his emails/etc to find out what's what.. total nightmare. he's awake and on the mend but made a stressful time 1000x more stressful!!

I think it sounds great

You recognise you have a problem with spending and, as a couple, you have found a good way to get back on your feet

It may be a good way in the short term to get back on your feet, but really don’t you want to manage your money like an adult?

Could you start by increasing your maximum £10 spend, and at the same time looking for an online or college budgeting course?

I think it depends if you are having a discussion or asking permission. Are you OK if I spend £30 quid on xyz this month - yes thats fine - had no other plans or no not really was thinking of getting y - could you get that next month instead - well yes - OK then etc. Controlling is where she has to put a business case and he then gives her the money or allows the spending and would be angry if not