AIBU To ask to better understand our financial position?

[TheatreMumma]

My husband committed to paying £2.6k in to our joint account each month in order to cover our joint household expenditure but for the last few months has been unable to meet this on time, he says due to changing jobs, taking a pay cut, and having other outgoings, and I covered this one month to help him catch up. I’m really confused as to how this has happened, given our joint income, and asked to see exactly what’s going in and out to better understand the situation, but he refuses to either discuss or disclose this.

A bit of background: my partner earns £80k p/a and, whilst I’ve always earned far less, I’ve taken a massive step back since having our son and am now able to earn just £6k p/a whilst juggling childcare. He pays £2.6k p/m in to our joint account to cover joint bills and then we each pay for our own cars, phones, clothes etc. I find it hard to cover this on my salary but manage with strict budgeting. It’s really upset me that he clearly sees what he earns as ‘his’ money and isn’t prepared to discuss how it’s spent. This is made all the more upsetting by the fact that, years ago, I gave him all my savings (tens of thousands) in order to help him with debt, something that I only found out about when bailiffs turned up while he was away.

What further complicates this issue, is that my husband will eventually take over a business and have substantially more income, at which point he says he will help and support me financially. I don’t dispute that he will do this, but I really want to address the here and now and work things out together, as a team.

Shall I just accept the situation as it is and be grateful for everything I have, or do you think it’s slightly unreasonable (and concerning) that I’m not allowed to know his / our current financial position?

You still need to claim the child benefit to claim your NI stamp that pays your pension, for all the years that you look after children and don't work. I believe he will need to claim the money back via HMRC. Look on gov.uk website. You claim it, he sorts out the tax. Secondly, stop giving him money !

Thank you to everyone for their help with this. Unfortunately it turns out he did borrow more money without me knowing (to pay for training courses plus a fancy bike and weekend away for himself) and is paying this off but it’s been extremely tight. I understand that he’s tried to keep me out of this and deal with it himself, but I’m devastated that he didn’t talk to me about any of it and, even now, refuses to show or tell me any figures. I have no idea how much debt there is and he truly believes that what he earns is his money and for him alone to make decisions about. This is despite me supporting him to earn this money by taking an enormous step back in my own career and looking after our child, not to mention the fact that I shared all I had with him in the past. It’s been a really tough week and I don’t know how to get past this.

Most people who hide debt have about double what they eventually disclose.

I suspect the moral for mumsnetters is never step back from your own career and keep working full time as men can let you know.

How can you get past it? perhaps go back to work full time - he will have to pay half the childcare bills. Secondly as said above do claim child benefit if you are not already doing it. Thirdly can you not insist on seeing his bank statements and pay slips etc and debt details? would he want to see yours? If youy took out a £30k loan tomorrow does he think he has the right to know about it?

OP I'm sorry that there is indeed hidden debt. For me this would be a marriage deal-breaker that he is still not being open. You've had great advice here & need to make your own decision. What are you planning to do next?

It doesn't matter how much he earns, or will in the future, with his attitude to debt and money he will eventually bankrupt the pair of you if he doesn't change. You really need to get to grips with him and sort it out. I know it's hard but approach it with the attitiude that you are literally fighting for the survival of your relationship and family, because you will be.

You can't trust him with your money. He has run up debts to buy a fancy bike and a holiday for himself, leaving you and your child without money. This is not the act of a loving husband and father. Take it seriously.

The fancy bike gets sold.
Any other expensive and unnecessary man toys get sold.
Luxury weekends away stop.
Savings get emptied.
He learns that he is lying to you by omission.
He either sets up a standing order for his share of the bills and costs of raising a family, or he fucks off and loses his marriage.
And I wouldn't write off gambling - online accounts are all too easy.
Ask him to set up a Noddle credit report and see how poor his credit rating has become with his debt. Check out whether he has any other issues he's ignored.