Divorced and moving on with my life

[Vickylouisa]

Hi,
I still live with my ex husband in a jointly owned home. We have 3 children. My ex is an verbally, mentally abusive man. He has ruined us financially by racking up 80k in debt, which had forced me to remain in the home, which is up for sale, although he refuses offer of 5k off asking price as he feels they are an insult.
He tells children how he has no money and how I have it all, yet has just bought himself 3 push bikes worth over 3k. When I challenged this I was told by the children in his presence that "daddy needs 3 bikes because 1 is a mountain bike, 1 is a road bike and 1 is a all terrain bike" now I could understand if he was the sporting type but he is in his 50s and is obese.
He tells the children lies about me and has encouraged my middle child to be violent towards me. It broke my heart but I had to call the police on her. I was called a terrible mother for doing this. The police gave her a caution not to do any form of abuse towards me otherwise she will be arrested.
I have diaries of his abuse, recordings of what he says about me to kids when I am not there, recordings of how he verbally abuses me. When I try to defend myself I get told I am mental, I know in my heart I am not.
He tells kids every single aspect of divorce, our finances. I had eldest kid explain to me that " I am not being funny, but daddy showed me the calculations and you do have xxx money, so where is it!?" If I have money I would not be living in same house as him.
Financial order is complete. I have been awarded 60/40 split. He gets to keep his 270k pension, as he wanted half my 5k B and Q pension. I just wanted it over so agreed.
I will have been divorced 2 years in February.
Kids are 16, 14 and 10 years old.
My question is this.
I have recently met someone else, he seems a nice man ( I am wary of all men), I know that my ex will enjoy provoking our kids once he finds out. He would claim this is who I have been seeing for years, when in truth its only been a few months.
With my ex refusal to sell house, can I bring new BF over if we were going out.? I know it is my home too, but just need to know for my own sanity.
All I want is to be happy again and to see my children happy.
Many thanks in advance.

Was the house part of the financial order?

Hi, yes the house was part of the financial order. It has to be sold and split 60/40, due to his contolling nature though he is refusing offers. He like the power he has over people. House has been on the market for a year now.
His reason for refusing offers range from "im insulted at their offer" and "I am not selling it to them as they want to rip out the kitchen and its a perfectly good kitchen"

His logic goes beyond madness!

Get a solicitor. You can force the sale through the Court. The Judge can even sign the papers on his behalf. You need good legal advice. You could try posting in Legal matters or the divorce section too.

Hi,
Many thanks. Never knew judge could have that much power over him. He would hate that 😈.
My solicitor has said there is not much else she can do. Took all my money, now totally broke. Cant get legal aid due to equity in house. Total nightmare!

If you can’t afgord a Solicitor, defintely ask what to do in the MN Legal Section. Rights of Women are really good too.

It’s not about having power over him OP, it’s about getting him to comply with the Court Order.

He sounds like he was very abusive. Have you had any Counselling or spoken to Wonen’s Aid?

Hi,

Yes I have had counselling. Was told he is an overt narassist amd one of the worst sort.
He just said that of I needed to go to counselling it proves his theory that I am wired wrong. Hmmm i don't think so!!
Will look at the other options you suggest.

He thinks he is above the law and is invincable.
He steels from his work, petty things too like toilet rolls!! I mean he is a uni lecturer for pity sack, we can afford to buy toilet rolls but likes the fact that he can take them for free and not get caught!
I keep hoping that Karma will catch him, but I feel Karma must be busy with others I just hope I am there to witness it, as it would make my year!

Have you seen a therapist or counsellor? Sounds like the best option for both of you. What does your lawyer say? Definitely talk divorce with your lawyer and potentially file for custody arrangements and childcare support too. Get your lawyer to help you line up your ducks and leave with any children as well. He does not seem like a reasonable person at all.