Paying for most things

[Sashadublin]

Im looking for some objective opinions here because I don't want to discuss the issue with family/friends. I've been married 2 years now and love my husband deeply. He's very kind, loyal and considerate. The only thing that is starting to get to me is our finances. Since the beginning of our marriage I have paid for the majority of things. Holidays, groceries, presents etc. Tbf we have a joint account and would split bills/rent 50:50. But he's setting up his own business and is constantly broke. I've transferred him a few thousand here and there to tide him over. Paid for the rent for a few months. Im not ona huge wage or anything, about 60k, and ive had to start dipping into my savings. We need to get IVF, and are both happy to do it. It costs 7k approx and he has said he can't pay for it. so again it's on me. I just feel a bit isolated and sad and not financially supported. He's working so hard to get the business off the ground, but it's not like I have an unlimited supply of money. I grew up in a very generous household and he grew up in quite the opposite. I'm not sure if this has something to do with it. But I know friends and family would be quite shocked if they knew how much money I'm spending/have given him. I don't want to be a bean counter, but equally feel sad and a little taken for granted.

Was this not all discussed before he took the decision to start a new business ? Most new businesses don't go into any sort of profit for the first couple of years. Surely you (as a couple) budgeted for this from the beginning.
When we were first married, we relied on my wage for years, whislt my dh was studying - and my wage was nowhere near what yours is. It was tight, it was hard at times, but it was what we had decided together. The we knew we would be poor for several years, and then 'ok' for a few more, before dh was able to start earning reasonable salary. Isn't that how couples work, with big life changes ?
(Oh, and £60K is a huge wage, from where most people are standing)

Wow a lot of anger and judgment from this post. Of course we discussed it. I was worried about it but I'm equally not going to stop my dh from doing something he really wants to do. That doesn't negate the reality of the situation.

What if the business does not get going? You will be supporting you +dh +possible dc.
If he isn't committed to raising the funds for ivf is he committed to being a df?

Wow a lot of anger and judgment from this post.

eh ?

You've asked for opinions and thoughts. No anger here, just sharing experience of - like you - having the first several years of our marriage where mine was the only income.
Not sure where you are getting "anger" from ??

If your dh doesn't have a steady income right now then how is he supposed to contribute? If you are married and are hoping to do ivf surely it's all family money? Do you propose that "you" have spare money and savings while he has nothing?
Surely you knew the financial situation when you married?

I genuinely am not getting at you but I don't know what else you expected in this situation.

I earn roughly the same as you and my husband about half of that but everything goes into joint account and then we each have a couple of hundred for socialising and all the money goes on mortgage childcare bills etc.

If it were a case that he is earning money and just won't contribute then you have a serious issue to be addressed.

He really should have made a business plan and made a budget to cover all known expenses he would have, plus contingency. Did he do that? Is he managing the business correctly or just chucking moment at it hand over fist until it gets going?

If he made a budget, and you both agreed to live that way then you're just going to have to suck it up. He will be generous once he is earning again.

Yes that's definitely a concern. He absolutely is dying for children, as am I to be fair. Babies are expensive though and looks like I'll be looking after things financially for a while.

*money not moment

My partner and I combined earn 51k, and we have a kid. And we live in the south east. We haven't had a holiday in 2years.

So I don't think you're as badly off as you think, you just need more realistic expectations and to have a proper talk with your DH about how finances are going to work while he works on his business.

Most businesses will take 2years to make a profit; I think nearly 50% fail in the first year! So you, as a family, need to make this work or he needs to consider working whilst doing the new business on the side, or giving up the business.

Yep I think Im just going to have to suck it up and try and stay positive that things will improve at some stage.

I don't see ANY anger in the first response tbh so wonder if you are angrier with your Husband than you might be willing to admit?

I don't mean it snarkily but I imagine it can grind you down being the bread winner for so long, and especially when you say your friends would be suprised how much you've "given him"...

Don't suck it up, have an open and honest conversation with him, for everyone's sake.

I don't see any anger or judgement from BackforGood She's posted a sensible answer and asked you reasonable questions.

Any decision that will effect a couples finances, like going part time / studying / retraining / starting a business, need to be joint decisions. I'm sure you wouldn't just decide you want to become a teaching assistant or something that would mean a huge decrease in wages without talking to your DH first would you?
I think it's reasonable to ask what discussion you had before he set the business up? And why aren't you having quite a frank discussion with him?

It isn't fair for you to have all of this on your shoulders, but if you don't say anything, he's going to continue thinking you don't mind.
I would also be concerned about how you will cope with maternity leave if your IVF is successful (and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you).

There's a lot of mine and his in your post. Just by the virtue of being married you are a team. You're supporting him whilst he tries to get his business off the ground, later he might support you in another set of circumstances.
It can be draining if you feel totally responsible for everything but surely it won't be forever?

£60k is a massive wage!

I suppose if I'm really honest with myself deep down I would've grown up with the man being the breadwinner. It's such an old fashioned, traditional notion that I'm (hopefully) getting rid of. But sometimes it wares you down paying for everything, worrying about rent, bills etc. We've discussed our finances at length before he made the decision and since. Ultimately though no one can see into the future and see how things with the business are going to work out. I strongly believe in communication but equally don't want to bring the issue up ad nauseum. It can't be easy for his pride, I dont want to make it this huge issue or be a nag. Anyway I'm probably just tired after a busy week. Thanks for the advice everyone.

I would expect the discussions you had to include your supporting the two of you. It doesn’t sound like that by your ‘given him’ type language. A discussion of this kind should also include a time frame for the business- how long till he projects drawing a reasonable salary, is it on track and can you as a couple manage financially till then . How does this work if you are on mat leave ...

£60k is a huge wage. More than double the average in the UK.

BUT Your husband needs to be able to support himself and pay bills. How long has he been running his business for? Does he expect that his profit will increase in the foreseeable future? I think you need to sit down and agree a deadline in the future and if he isn’t making as much as he would in a regular job he needs to give it up and look for a job.

PS I wouldn’t say he was “dying for babies” if he’d rather run a low profit business then get a decent job to contribute towards IVF. It’s quite clear what his priority is, sorry.

You should have really discussed a timeframe for the business, where he would agree to stop and find a steady paying job. Two years ish would be the point you should see the sparks of success or not.

I do not think you helped yourself if you never discussed it, as you freely admitted to supporting his decision. You need to have another discussion and say if business doesn't improve in X time, he needs to find a full time job instead.

Sorry, you either support your DH or not. Branching out on his own can't be easy and he may not be cash flow positive for quite some time. It's family money now, not your money v his money. Was he the breadwinner when you got together? You say your mindset is man = breadwinner, does that mean you don't want to be?

Best of luck to your DH and on your IVF journey.